KSK Mock Draft Review

(From Kissing Suzy Kolber)

I was mucking about at work Friday, killing time prior to a 3:30 interview for an exhibition opening preview, when Kissing Suzy Kolber posted its latest Mock Draft, which covered "Famous Men or Women You Get for an Evening." Except this time, Big Daddy Drew opened it to the commenters, stipulating only that 10 picks had to pass between each individual's selections.

Wait, what?

This is the ENTIRE PURPOSE of the Laminated List Fantasy Draft blog. It was my duty as founder to show and prove. I came in about 45 minutes and 40 picks late, picked five selections, took a 45-minute break for the interview, and completed my draft with enough time to write the article on deadline - building this valid LLFD roster (all pick numbers approximate):

• Starting Six
• Athlete/Media/Socialite
• Jennie Finch (7th, No. 230 Overall)
  
• Film/Stage Actress
• Natalie Portman (1st, No. 45)
  
• Model
• Anna Benson (5th, No. 100)
  
• Musician
• Shakira (2nd, No. 55)
  
• Taster's Choice
• Melyssa Ford (10th, No. 272)
  
• TV Actress/Personality
• Evangeline Lilly (4th, No. 83)
  
• Bench
• Under-24 Keeper
• Katherine McPhee (6th, No. 210)
  
• Under-21 Keeper
• Kate Todd (8th, No. 250)
  
• Plus-37 MILF
• Halle Berry (3rd, No. 70)
  
• Taster's Choice
• Olivia Wilde (9th, No. 260)
  

I think it's safe to say I did my thing. If you don't agree, remember that this was the LLFD equivalent of a Royal Rumble. Drafters were flying in and out like crazy, there was no guarantee of only 10 people drafting between your picks because of the time lag and you had basically zero knowledge of other drafters' preferences. Adjusting on the fly led to me snagging Ford with my 10th, and final, selection.

I did go without an Asian - Kristin Kreuk over Benson would've been the switcheroo to make. I went Benson relatively early (my fifth pick), citing Drew's "one night only" stipulation. Knowing how hot she was in person and her stripper history clouded my brain. Also, I'm a sucker for Southern-fried accents after spending four years down South for college. So that's officially my only regret. Officially. Apologies to The Minority Reporter.

(From jessicaalba.net)

The Top Ten

• 1) Keeley Hazell (Big Daddy Drew)
  
• 2) Scarlett Johansson (Signal to Noise)
• 3) Jessica Biel (Ufford)
• 4) Christina Aguilera, "Dirrty one" (Dan)
• 4b) Aguilera "in 1999" (Sean)
• 5) Monica Bellucci (Beaverfever)
• 6) Jessica Alba (Gimel's Mustache)
• 7) Thomas Jefferson (Bosox Siobhan)
• 8) Penelope Cruz (Aaron)
• 9) Benjamin Franklin, to "pick up chicks." (Mmbeefy)
• 10) Eagles (sic) cheerleader Janelle (Devang)
• (She was a member of the 49ers' Gold Rush.--ed.)

The Breakdown: Four Film Actresses, a Plus-37 MILF, Two X-Tinas, a Model, one useless pick and a pair of dead presidents. (So Franklin wasn't a president. He electrocuted himself and invented bifocals. What's Dubya done?)

(NOTE: Internal debate equated cheerleaders to "dancers," and thusly "Stage Performers." However, due to their anonymity (Name one cheerleader to permeate the mass consciousness. ONE.) they're heretofore deemed LLFD-ineligible. Intellectivist calls the pick a "stalkerish, bitch move" and says "Devang should man the fuck up." He's also willing to entertain any counter argument, which he's ready to destroy, by comment or email.--ed.)

Analysis: As expected, Film Actresses dominated Round One. The shocker was Alba dropping to No. 6, behind not only ScarJo and Biel, but also Bellucci. Alba's the Sexiest Woman in the World, damn it. Craziness. Drew's Hazzell pick was an inspired No. 1 choice. A little bit off-the-wall, shows some Visionary Thinking and is pretty bulletproof. Any argument would be subjective, not objective. Back-to-back Christina Aguileras in the Top Five is a clear reach - except when one considers Drew's rules, which boil down to "Who Would You Want to Sleep With AND Believe Would Make the Best Lay." Siobahn's TJ pick was quite interesting ... if you're into necrophilia. I dunno about Ben Franklin as a wingman - he didn't do too well with Pam on "The Office."

(From US Vogue)

Ten to Make Twenty

• 11) Angelina Jolie (Dcat)
• 12) Marisa Miller (BDD, Pick 2)
• 13) Alessandra Ambrosio (Scott)
• 14) Tom Brady (Save the Steagles)
• 15) Tiffani Thiessen (Chopper Dave)
• 16) Salma Hayek (StN, Pick 2)
• 17) Aishwariya Rai (Miamidiesel)
• 18) "Muted" Jessica Simpson (GM, Pick 2)
• 19) Pam Grier, circa "her Foxy Brown days" (Nation of Islam Sportsblog)
• 20) Lindsay Lohan, "Mean Girls era" (Josh)

The Breakdown: Four Film Actresses, two Models, a TV Actresses, our first Under-21 Keeper, and the Sperminator.

Analysis: Dcat picked Jolie thinking about the benefits of "crazy," so that's a solid choice to lead Round Two. Miller (assuming she's eating) was another good pick from BDD, though he'd be locked into the rest of his Starting Six were it an LLFD draft. However, I think he'd be okay with that, considering he picked her "for the win." No qualms with most of the other picks - "Muted" Jessica Simpson having infinitely higher value than the version with a speakerphone - but I question NoI's selection of Grier this early. This would have been like the Browns drafting Brady Quinn third, despite knowing he'd free fall like Tom Petty. (I'll take dated references for $500, Alex.--ed.)


Ten 'Til Thirty

• 21) Eliza Dushku (Grungedave)
• 22) Russell Crowe, "circa Gladiator" (Redhead)
• 23) Kate Hudson (J.L. White)
• 24) H.R.H. Madeleine Thérèse Amelie Josephine, Princess of Sweden, Duchess of Hälsingland and Gästrikland (John S.)
• (You are disqualified from the game of life.--ed.)
  
• 25) Rose McGowan, "preferably with leg rifle" (Slickbomb)
• 26) Amanda Bynes (David)
• 27) Elin Nordegren (Wormfather)
• 28) Ana Beatriz Barros (Jrhodes5150)
• 29) Adriana Lima (Miamidiesel, Pick 2)
• (Traded to Queefersuthrland for Kelly Brook.--ed.)
  
• 30) Faith, (NSFW) "of In Bed with Faith" (Dan, Pick 2)

The Breakdown: Four Models, three Film Actresses, an actor, a TV Actress and a socialite.

Analysis: First off, John S. is fired. There's no way Her Royal Superlongfuckingname is on anyone else in America's list. There's just no reason for that whatsoever. Bit of a run on Models in the end of the round, which is surprising because it's the second-deepest category (behind Film Actresses). Guess it's like taking the top OFs - gotta draft 'em if they're that good. Redhead's pick of Crowe, making him the second living male taken, seems pretty solid. I'm a big Dushku fan, myself, so Grungedave gets a gold star.

The Best of the Rest

Since this draft extended into the weekend and went more than 450 comments deep, I'm brutally condensing the rest, briefly reviewing rosters of six or more and noting miscellaneous picks that provoked me to comment.

MIAMI DIESEL

This cat was somethin surrious, taking advantage of the free agency period to compile a final roster that runs 46 females deep. Quite subjectively boiling it down to the 10 LLFD slots, I'll give him:

Starters

• FA - Aishwariya Rai (No. 1 pick)
  
• ME - Maria Menounos
• MO - Sunny Leone
• MU - Beyonce
• TC - Chasey Lain
• TV - Rebecca Romijin

Bench

• P37 - Mariah Carey
• TC - Jennifer Lopez

Very solid draft here. Good amount of diversity, good balance between star power and vision. Definitely a deep, knowledgeable performance, reflected in the multitude of bench picks. Holes in the keeper slots as far as I can tell, but that's no fault of his. However, I'd want to be on the receiving, not giving, side of his Vida Guerra and Anne Hathaway for Lucy Pinder and Rachel Specter trade.

Post-draft, he expressed to me interest in Shakira, but deferred when I demanded Beyonce as recompense. I then proposed Shakira for Mariah, but threatened to bang out Shakira before the trade without disclosing the information. He countered by saying Shakira would have to pass a physical as part of that deal, though he'd waive the exam if I took J-Lo instead. Good times, and cheers to him for maintaining the post's momentum.

---

JACKIN'4BEATS

(From Bollywood Stars)

Starters

• FA - Shilpa Shetty (No. 1 pick)
  
• ME - Vanessa Minnillo
  
• MO - Nikki Cash
  
• MU - Sade
  
• TC - Mya
  
• TV - Aisha Tyler
  

Bench

• P37 - Angie Everhart
  
• U24K - Ciara
  
• TC - Ki-Toy Johnson
  

This is a list that warms Intellectivist's heart, and probably means I got lucky snagging Melyssa Ford where I did. J4B's only white chick (Everhart) is a MILF-eligible Model, and a redhead to boot. That earns a Brooklyn Boy seal of approval. The Mya pick came so late (around No. 415) as to be stunning. Save for j4b having to find out about Ciara's man-meat upon panty-removal, this is my favorite list besides my own.

---

ANDREW

Starters

• A - Shelley Martinez (Ariel of ECW)
• FA - Eva Mendes
  
• MO - Vida Guerra (via trade)
  
• MU - Torry Castellano
• TC - Anne Hathaway (via trade)
  
• TV - Sophia Bush
  

Bench

• P37 - Sophia Loren (No. 1)
  
• U21K - Rihanna
  
• U24K - Avril Lavigne
  
• TC - Charlize Theron
  

Very nice list here, considering Andrew claims to have "drafted embarrassingly." By using free agency, he managed to gave himself enough wiggle room to cobble together a valid, and surprisingly high-quality, roster. No question marks. None. Just a stand-up job.

---

QUEEFERSUTHRLAND

Starters

• A - Sasha Cohen
  
• FA - Alicia Witt
  
• MO - Adriana Lima
  
• MU - ?
  
• TC - Jessica White
  
• TV - Lacey Chabert (No. 1 pick)
  

Bench

• P37 - Helen Mirren
  
• U24K - Izabel Goulart
  
• U21K - Brooklyn Decker
• TC - Ana Hickmann
  

Queefer's draft was super Model-heavy. (Does that mean thin?--ed.) The Keeper slots saved two of his picks from bouncing off the board. Witt and Chabert are two high quality sleeper picks. Cohen I'm mild on, and Mirren is, well ... old and British. Better attention to non-Model positions would make Queefer a force to be reckoned with on draft day.

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SWEDE ZOMBIE JESUS

Starters

• A/ME/S - ?
• FA - Kelly Hu
  
• MO - Kiana Tom
  
• MU - Jamie-Lynn Sigler
  
• TC - Ziyi Zhang
  
• TV - Sofia Vergara (No. 1 pick)
  

Bench

• P37 - Teri Hatcher
  
• TC - Amy Nuttall

This is far and away The Minority Reporter's dream list, at least in the starting lineup. The Asian contingent of SWJ's lineup is quite classy, and Vergara (Latin) and Sigler (Jewish) round out the diversity. Hatcher's solid for a MILF I suppose, and Nuttal doesn't impress me. One position short of a formidable Starting Six.

---

DICK_GOZINIA

(From Lucy Liu Fan Site)

Starters

• FA - Lucy Liu (No. 1 pick)
  
• ME - Bonnie Bernstein
  
• MO - Elle MacPherson
  
• MU - Paulina Rubio
  
• TC - Rachel Leigh Cook
  
• TV - Mariska Hargitay
  

Bench

• P37 - Christy Turlington
  
• TC - Jordan Ladd
  

Very interesting mix on this one. Dick has three Models, and an Asian and a Latina mixed in to add some color. A solid, if unspectacular array. Bonus points for Cook, who peaked in "She's All That."

---

THE CHIEF

(From PC Wallpapers)

Starters

• A - Michelle Wie
  
• FA - Winona Ryder
  
• MO - Katie Price (Jordan) (No. 1 pick)
  
• MU - Joss Stone
  
• TC - Amanda Peet
  
• TV - Christina Applegate
  

Bench

• P37 - Pam Anderson

The Chief jumped in late, but recovered nicely. This is group shows a good mix of white chicks, with a random jailbait Asian Athlete thrown in for kicks. Some diversity would have been nice, but Chief showed enough with these picks to prove he'd have stood a good chance with an earlier entry.

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MY INSIGNIFICANT LIFE

Starters

• A - Trish Stratus
  
• FA - Tea Leoni
  
• MO - Cindy Crawford (No. 1 pick)
  
• MU - Kellie Pickler
  
• TC - Ivanka Trump
  
• TV - Mary-Lynn Rajskub
  

Bench

• P37 - Gianna Distenca (Stacy's Mom)
  

This is one of the weaker lists, sunk mainly by Rajskub's inclusion. However, the rest of Insignificant's picks are an intriguing mix of inspired (Distenca, Stratus), visionary (Trump, Pickler) and classic (Crawford, Leoni).

---

SIGNAL TO NOISE

(From Allure)

Starters

• A - Serena Williams
  
• FA - Rosario Dawson
• MO - ?
  
• MU - ?
  
• TC - Kate Beckinsale
• TV - Alexis Bledel
  

Bench

• U24K - Scarlett Johansson (No. 1 pick)
  
• TC - Rachel McAdams
  

Signal's list was sunk by an over-reliance on Film Actresses, though it was incredibly deep.
Kate Winslet was a force-drop due to roster limitations, and ScarJo ended up on his bench. Swapping a few of the filmies for Musician or Model picks would have resulted in a B+ minimum. (I'm not giving anyone with Serena Williams on their list an "A," though he gets bonus points for Beckinsale.)

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LADYANDREA

Starters

• A - Scott Rolen
  
• FA - Sherilyn Fenn
  
• MO - Ali Larter
• MU - ?
  
• TC - Eric Szmanda
  
• TV - Tricia Helfer (co-No. 1 pick)/Josh Radnor
  

Bench

• DD/P37 - Tom Cavanaugh (co-No. 1 pick)/Lauren Graham
  
• TC - Milo Ventimiglia

LadyAndrea came the closest of all the females drafting to assembling a complete, eligible roster, aided by several girl-on-girl selections. I learned that if women want to conduct a draft, they should flip-flop of the Athlete and Model categories, such that Athletes are considered solo and Models are lumped in with Media and Socialites; this corrects the imbalance of the two pools. Her choices of dudes all seem commendable, and she gets a seal of approval on Larter, Helfer and Graham, who she's totally right about.

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JULIA

Starters

• FA - Eric Bana (co-No. 1 pick)/Isla Fisher
  
• ME - Jon Stewart
  
• MO - ?
  
• MU - Taye Diggs
  
• TC - Chase Utley
  
• TV - Kristen Bell (co-No. 1 pick)/John Krasinski
  

Bench

• NONE

Julia was the only qualifying roster to fail to tag a bench-eligible player, though I suppose both Bana and Krasinski could drop to the second TC spot. I did a little bit of finagling to swing Taye Diggs into the Musician slot, because he was the original "Benny" in "Rent," and that soundtrack has sold many, many copies - including two to me (one used). Bell and Fisher both earn Julia gold stars. I quite thoroughly enjoyed the ladies' view on hot female celebs.

---

SMELLO

Starters

• A - Jeff Bagwell
  
• FA - Daniel Craig (No. 1 pick)
  
• MO - ?
  
• MU - ?
  
• TC - Gerard Butler (only in "the 300 costume")
  
• TV - Taylor Kitsch ("Tim Riggins" on "Friday Night Lights")
  

Bench

• DD - Jesse James
  
• TC - Ryan Reynolds

Smello was the only lady drafter to avoid any female celebs. Maybe she's past that whole "experimental" phase all girls go through. If so, weak sauce. I'll pretend it's "repressed." (I keed, I keed.) She lost her last three choices - Mo Chestnut, Jason Statham and Howie Long - to eligibility restrictions, which is kinda wack, but it's because she leaned too heavy on Film Actors. Spreading the love would have bolstered her roster. I don't know much about most of these cats, but Statham was delivered the best line of dialogue ever uttered in a comic book film, and Ryan Reynolds is my boy. Van Wilder was awesome. (And, coincidentally, the peak of Tara Reid's life AND career.)

Comment Highlights

• Matt selecting Suzy Kolber on behalf of Joe Namath.
• Ufford taking Ruth Bader Ginsberg - rounds after she had been picked.
• The New York Jets taking Christine (Mike) Penner with their first pick.
• Chopper Dave taking Sarah Spain, and Rob I reminding him it's a celebrity draft.
• Unsilent Majority taking "JoJo, Jamie Lynn Spears and a good lawyer."

Loose Ends

Big Daddy Drew just missed qualifying by only drafting five women, but his squad of Hazell, Marisa Miller, Tim Tebow's girlfriend, Carmen Electra and Sienna Miller is a formidable foundation. "Ms. Irrelevant" honors went to Nafisa Teague, who was picked by Jordi of The Serious Tip.

Aaand ... that's a wrap. Word to KSK - I appreciate the completely unintentional good look. Thanks for playing, everyone.

UPDATE: KSK showed the love today, linking back here in today's commenter draft post. Much obliged, fellas. Keep doin how you do.