The Laminated List Fantasy Draft: Hollywood Hates You -- Fall TV Preview (Tuesdays)

At last, our long national nightmare is OVER!! Fall TV is coming back! Thank you, Jesus! Thank you, Moses! Thank you, Mohamm - nah, he probably had nothing to do with this.

Each week, I'll be previewing the lineup for every worthwhile day of TV (eat a dick, Saturday). I'll lay out the best network show, the best cable show, the (probable) worst show, the most promising new show, and - of course - that day's most bonable hottie. Today:

Tuesday!

BEST NETWORK SHOW: House

As a long time ~~masturbator to~~ fan of Mariska Hargitay, I really wanted to say Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. Unfortunately, I think that show will eventually destroy itself. See, more and more fans are clamoring for Chris Meloni and Hargitay to bone. Now, as the series goes on, ratings are naturally going to dwindle - just like how women get older and their boobs are no longer as, you know ... worthwhile. So, in an effort to lure the fans back, the series will eventually start teasing it and hinting at it until finally, next thing you know, Chris Meloni is nailing Mariska Hargitay on their desk in the squad room while a hapless Ice-T and Richard Belzer look on. This is a prototypical example of a how a series can jump the shark.

Instead, I give the top spot to House. It's a very interesting Drama/Comedy/Thriller hybrid (N.B.-this show is a drama/comedy) that treats the audience to very relevant and always provocative morality plays. And for a show that's been criticized for always relying on formula (note how that the mystery illness is typically identified at or around the 52-minute mark), it has recently attempted to break formula by exiling three of six main cast members to other departments/hospitals (don't worry, they'll be back ... I think).

BEST CABLE SHOW: Nip/Tuck

Another profound crapfest on cable today. Nip/Tuck has long been a cult favorite, so I'll peg it as the winner (sorry, Lincoln Heights - I don't truck no show on ABC Family that tries to appeal to anyone over the age of 15). The first season of this show was certainly intriguing, but it lost me somewhere along the way. Personally, I can see why people like this show, but I just find it to be almost ... I don't know, nihilistic? But, on the other hand: there are tits. So, hmm ... yep, I've weighed it. Tits win.

WORST SHOW (PROBABLY): Cavemen

Oh dear Christ, did they make it hard for me to pick. They really did. Do I go with Beauty And The Geek, for dragging its premise out three seasons too long? Do I go with Carpoolers, a show whose central conceit is so mind-numbingly stupid, I might actually vomit? Or do I go with Dancing With The Stars' HOUR-LONG RESULTS SHOW? Are you fucking kidding me with this? An hour? I can do that in 20 seconds: "Hey, what's up everybody. So this week's losers are some bitch and some dude. See you next week!" THAT TAKES A FUCKING HOUR?!?! I want to find the network dipshit who came up with the idea of stretching this crap out for an hour. I'm not happy when networks put shows on that are patently retarded, but I used to take for granted that they were putting in THE EFFORT. Now, they are essentially (and rather brazenly) coming out and saying, "Look, we don't care anymore. We don't want to waste time and money on a show no one's going to watch. So here, here's an hour of filler. Enjoy." This is the television equivalent of pointless busy work.

But I had to go with Cavemen, the show based on a series of Geico commercials. The early reviews have been pretty dismal and, oh yeah, IT'S A SHOW BASED ON FUCKING INSURANCE COMMERCIALS! What, was the AFLAC Duck asking for too much money? Jesus Christ, I need a beer. I'm so enraged right now, I actually need a beer.

MOST PROMISING NEW SHOW: Reaper

It's got a pilot directed by Kevin Smith (some of you might know him as the fat dude from Die Hard 4), and a pretty funny/fucked up premise: before he was even born, a slacker's parents sold his soul to the devil. As such, said slacker, Sam (Bret Harrison, late of FOX's The Loop), must now serve as Satan's (Ray Wise, awesome casting) bounty hunter. Hi-jinx ensue. So, sure, why the fuck not?