Hollywood Hates You - Fall TV Preview (Wednesday)

At last, our long national nightmare is OVER!! Fall TV is coming back! Thank you, Jesus! Thank you, Moses! Thank you, Mohamm - nah, he probably had nothing to do with this.

Each week, I'll be previewing the lineup for every worthwhile day of TV (eat a dick, Saturday). I'll lay out the best network show, the best cable show, the (probable) worst show, the most promising new show, and - of course - that day's most bonable hottie. Today:

Wednesday!

BEST NETWORK SHOW: Lost None

Unfortunately, ABC has decided to infuriate me by keeping Lost off the schedule until Febuary of '08. I understand this decision; the show is running a truncated, 16-episode season this year, so there's no need to put it on there and clutter the schedule with reruns. On the other hand, FUCK YOU. I need my fix, motherfuckers.

For some unknown reason, though, nine of the 14 network shows on Wednesdays are brand new. The returning five are: Criminal Minds (coming back without its star), CSI:NY (stupid, crappy pap), Deal Or No Deal (now with more SCREAMING, OVER-EXCITED CONTESTANTS WHO GET WAY TOO INTO THIS SHOW, HOWIE!! NO DEAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), 'Til Death (A sitcom about cranky married couples?! What will they think of next!? DERP!), and America's Next Top Model (*Author has anuerysm, vomits out of frustration*). I cannot in good conscience annoint one of these abortions the "best" anything. Until Febuary of '08, consider Wednesday a good day to spend time with loved ones; might I suggest playing a board game with your kids, or perhaps engaging in relations of the intimate nature with your significant other (married couples ONLY)? (Dude - Who are you and what the FUCK did you do with Farceface?--ed.)

BEST CABLE SHOW: South Park

Not even close. South Park is the one of the most intelligent comedies on TV right now and the quick animation time guarantees that their "issue" episodes are relevant. But even when they're not decrying this month's hot-button topic, the show is still uproariously funny.

Plus they had that episode where Paris Hilton shoved a pineapple up her cooter. Come on - that's gold.

WORST SHOW (Probably): Back To You

Kelsey Grammar = Not funny anymore. Patricia Heaton = Never funny. EVER. Kelsey Grammar + Patricia Heaton + Stale, Idiotic Premise - Anything That Differentiates It From Every Other Crappy, Middling 3 Camera Comedy = SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT.

MOST PROMISING NEW SHOW: Bionic Woman

If anyone can take a crappy, disco-era sci-fi show and breath some life into it, it's David Eick, one of the minds behind Sci-Fi Channel's fan-fucking-tastic Battlestar Galactica re-imagining. The geeks have long been buzzing about it, irregardless of the many re-shoots (never a good sign) and the fact that one of the showrunners, Glen Morgan, has exited the show before the first episode ever aired (typically an even worse sign than reshoots). Anyway, the show has been re-tooled from its Lindsay Wagner days to be a little darker and more relevant, so, even with the problems, I'm willing to give Eick the benefit of the doubt.


MOST BONABLE HOTTIE: Kate Walsh

God, this broad is sexy. Her voice, her body, her eyes ... have you seen her in that new Cadillac commercial? Where she's like, "When you turn on your car, does it return the favor?" Holy GOD that's awesome. How in fuck's name did that faggot Patrick Dempsey pick that skinny bitch over Kate Walsh on Grey's Anatomy? And, no, I don't watch that show; I live with my girlfriend, so that every Thursday that shit's on in the backgrond. Get off my nuts.

Next Week: Thursday, son!