Hollywood Hates You - Stolen Official Documents Special Edition
My time away from the blog was not completley wasted. While I was away, I was able to rendezvous with a colleague whom I'll refer to only as "Lord Doucheface." See, Lord Doucheface works for a high-powered law firm, and he was able to give me an official memo from Britney Spears' parenting coach to her superiors. Enjoy!
LOS ANGELES COUNTY DEPARTMENT OF CHILD SERVICES
To: Director H. Lloyd Geiger
From: Lauren Barnes, Case Worker
Re: Spears Parenting Session
Director Geiger,
What follows is a transcription of notes made on my voice-recorder from my latest "Parenting Without Conflict" course with Britney Spears, which occurred at her Malibu home on Tuesday, October 23, 2007.
12:15 PM-- Just finished up with Jenny the Crackhead. As you know, she is a 23-year-old ex-prostitute who lost custody of her child, Rocky, when she attempted to sell him for thirty-three (33) vials of crack-cocaine. Since that time, her progress has been limited. At the meeting before last, she attempted to stab me with a pair of scissors. I know this sounds bad, but it'll be a welcome change to do one of these in a cushy Malibu mansion.
12:30 PM-- I've arrived at Ms. Spears' home. I've knocked on the door several times, but it appears no one's home. This is an auspicious start for Ms. Spears.
12:32 PM-- Holy shit! The kids! They're in there by themselves!
12:35 PM-- I've gained entry to Ms. Spears' house by breaking a window. The kids appear to be all right, but this is most disconcerting. I'll be making a formal complaint as soon as I return to the office.
1:00 PM-- Where the Hell is she?
1:23 PM-- Ms. Spears finally arrives. Within three seconds of being in the door, she's managed to take all her clothes off. (Interestingly enough, she managed to do this without putting down either of the Sourdough Jack & Cheeses she's holding; how she accomplished this, I'll never know.)
1:25 PM-- I just introduced myself to Ms. Spears. Before I finished saying my name, she told me to "Shut the fuck up, get the dog, and figure out where the rest of that cheese log got off to." I think she thinks I'm her new personal assistant.
1:30 PM-- I managed to explain to her who I am and why I'm there. When I told her that leaving her kids ALONE in her house while she went to a fast food restaurant is a serious violation, she said, "Fuck it! Mama needs her Big Beef 'n' Cheddar, and those little bastards always cause such a ruckus in the car!"
1:32 PM-- She asked me about my voice recorder, refering to it as "the magic word box what'chu keeps talkin' in to." You can take the girl out of Kentwood, Louisiana, but you can't take Kentwood out of the girl.
1:34 PM-- Jesus, God, why won't she put on any clothes? This is just awful. SIDE NOTE: I need to pick up more cottage cheese at the store tonight.
1:36 PM-- She FINALLY put on clothes. I mean, a plaid pair of skorts, a men's dress shirt, and a Fedora aren't "clothes" in the traditional sense, but at least she's not strutting around here naked anymore.
1:39 PM-- Oof. She's definitely not wearing underwear under those skorts. God, has her ladyflower been in a fistfight? Why does it look so beaten up?
1:40 PM-- I just tried to explain to Ms. Spears that she needs to show her kids affection by playing with them. I swear to God, it was like talking to a circus animal. Sure, it may look like there's some semblance of intelligence there, but at the end of the day you know it's happy just to fall asleep in its own shit.
1:41 PM-- I wasn't using a metaphor. She probably will fall asleep in her own shit tonight.
1:46 PM-- Ms. Spears claims she needs a "carmel frap" before she can "focus on all this baby lovin' 'n' shit." I assume she's talking about some kind of coffee drink, and not some sort of disgusting sexual ritual involving caramel, her naked body, and some poor bastard she tricked into ducking out of his shift at The Cheesecake Factory.
1:47 PM-- I'm in the car with Ms. Spears. I want to see how far she'll go before she realizes that her kids are still in the house.
1: 50 PM-- Her kids are still in the house. And I've told her as much at least four times.
1:55 PM-- Finally got her to go back to the kids by telling her that if she did, I'd talk Ronald McDonald into making the McRib a permanant fixture on the menu. I don't know why I thought of that, but as soon as I did, I knew it would work.
1:56 PM-- Ms. Spears attempted to secure her children in the vehicle by duct-taping them to the front seat. Fuck it. Hell, I figured she'd probably try and secure them to the vehicle's luggage rack.
2:14 PM-- We finally made it to the Starbucks. I can't ... Oh, wait. According to Ms. Spears, this isn't our final destination. She's picking up a caremel frap to hold her over while she drives to get her caramel frap.
2:32 PM-- Got her her carmel frap.
2:45 PM-- And another one.
3:00 PM-- And we stopped at the Wendy's to get her a Baconator.
3:12 PM-- And the Taco Bell to get a Crunch Wrap Supreme. They're good to go.
3:30 PM-- Finally returned to Ms. Spears' Malibu estate. I helped her remove her children from the car and put them back in the house. I've informed her that I'll be filing a very damaging report with the DCS, but her only response was to ask me if I thought she looked sexy.
That is the full transcription of my voice-recorder notes. As such, I've requested that I be permanently re-assigned to Jenny the Crackhead. I think that despite early setbacks, Jenny really does show the resolve to become a better parent. And that no matter how much crack Jenny smoked, she's still - in some way - in touch with reality.
Ms. Spears, unfortunately, should no longer be allowed visits with her children, and certainly not unsupervised. In fact, someone should probably contact Animal Welfare regarding her dog. I'm fairly certain that it's also being neglected. In fact, if it's in that home and it's not cheesy, melty, creamy, foamy, meaty, fruity, or choclatey, chances are it's being neglected a fuck ton.
Lauren Barnes, DCS
PS-- My advice for the next parenting coach assigned by DCS to Ms. Spears: "Use the carrot," so to speak. Every time she does something right, hand her a Hot Ham & Swiss, a Big Mac, or a Wings & Thighs Bucket. We must reinforce positive actions with things that she wants.
--Wow. A truly damning report.
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