Friday, November 30, 2007

Hollywood Hates You - Wedding Edition!

Since TV is currently in the final throes of its long, audience-torturing death rattle, I was going to kill this week's post by writing about the greatest black nerds, or "blerds," of all time. But something funny happened the other day: I got engaged. Since I am an unabashed sci-fi nerd, my friends and I soon began a discussion about what kind of geeky theme wedding I should have. I mean, there's so many choices: Battlestar Galactica, Lost and the old standbys of Star Trek and Star Wars. So rather than detail the long, storied history of African-American achievements in nerdery (sorry, Theo from Die Hard), I've decided to devote this week's issue to ultimate dork theme weddings. Enjoy!

[Note to Editor: These are very, very dork-heavy references. I'm going to try to throw in as many approproate links as possible to save you time, since you're probably not going to be as familiar with these shows/movies as I am, as you appear to have a normal social life.]

[Note to Farceface: Yeah ... I only got "cool" in the last few years. I do, in fact, "appear" to have a "normal" social life. Meanwhile, I've been alternating Veronica Mars and Battlestar on Netflix.]

Bachelor Party: Go to the beach and get positively shitfaced on MacCutcheon scotch. Try to reach the point of drunkeness where you wake up naked the next day, possibly after having traveled backwards in time. Wonder which of your groomsmen had angry sex with a girl who will wind up dead in less than 24 hours.

Wedding: Find a scary Nigerian warlord-turned-priest and have him perform the ceremony. Groomsmen dress in DHARMA jumpsuits while bridesmaids dress as Oceanic Air stewardesses. The reception should be held anywhere with a classy underwater theme, but beware: all it takes is one drunken wedding guest detonating a grenade for this to end in tragedy. Make sure to introduce the band at the reception as Driveshaft.

Honeymoon: The show is filmed in Hawaii, which is a good stand in for the series' mysterious island.

Bachelor Party: Rent out a place like Joe's bar for the night, but be sure to invite as many ridiculously hot lady pilots as you can find. Let the ambrosia flow like water and, get ready for more alcohol abuse, guilty sex, and poor life-choices than you can handle (Battlestar Galactica contains more angry sex in one episode than most sci-fi franchises have throughout their lifetimes, so that should be incorporated accordingly into your wedding plans). But if you've got any angry, one-eyed drunks in your family, maybe it's best not to invite them.

Wedding: Make sure you get a trustworthy priest to perform the ceremony, because nobody wants sociopathic robot reading you your vows. Bridesmaids and groomsmen should dress in their dress greys. Come on; how often do you get married? When you shine, you gotta shine right. At the reception, be sure to tell your groomsmen to watch out for your bride's drunken cougar of an aunt; there's one at every party.

Honeymoon: Anywhere on the planet Earth. The whole planet's supposed to be the salvation of mankind on the series, so I guess even Detroit or Baltimore would be paradise according to the show's mythology. Oof.

Bachelor Party: Start with a day at the races, but only if your bookie is a 500 pound, backwards-talking slug. Then wander over to a crazy cantina with all kinds of aliens [INSERT IMMIGRATION JOKE HERE]. Be sure to serve plenty of blue milk, but go easy on the death sticks. Bet on which of your groomsmen gets so drunk that he SWEARS that he use the Force to fly, yet winds up falling down an elevator shaft once his intoxicated ass fails miserably.

Wedding: Priest must wear a Darth Vader costume (he'd look sick with a little white collar). Groomsmen will dress as Storm Troopers, while the best man wears a Chewie outfit. The groom will, of course, be wearing a Han Solo costume. The Bride will be wearing the classic Leia costume, while the bridesmaids must dress and handmaidens from the first films. Be sure to get a guy dressed up as Admiral Ackbar to sit in on the ceremony. That way when Priest Vader asks if anyone has any objections, he can jump up and yell "It's a trap!"

Honeymoon: That place in Spain that stood in for the palace on Naboo. And of course, your lady must be wearing Leia's metal bikini when it's time to get down.

Bachelor Party: Any strip club where you can get the strippers to agree to be covered in green body paint (shouldn't be hard; most of them have been debased by men for years and are therefore open to anything if the price is right). Make sure most of the drinks you serve are blue or green; the Star Trek universe is famous for its multi-colored hootch.

Wedding: Clearly the officiant must be a Captain of something; 4 of 5 Star Trek shows have featured weddings performed by Admirals or Captains, so your priest should be a Captain of something. Captain of industry, captain of cereal. . .who gives a dick, as long as he 's the captain of something, it'll work. Members of the wedding party should wear dress uniforms. And when all is said and done, replicas of Tribbles should be thrown in lieu of rice.

Honeymoon: That sex planet they had on the Next Generation sounds a whole lot like Thailand to me.

--Lord Farceface

P.S. At this point, even I can't believe I tricked a woman into marrying my dorky ass, so I'm just as confused as you.

ShowHype: hype it up!

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The Loveseat said...

if u choose the Star Wars theme, be sure to pull a Death Star on the honeymoon.

that would be where you are doin her from behind with a friend watchin and right before you come, you pull out, spread her butt cheeks, and take aim. if you make it, your friend is required to say "Great shot kid! That was one in a million!"

Bonus points if you get Harrison Ford to do it.

The Brooklyn Boy said...

Dear. God.

I don't know if Farceface's entire post or Loveseat's one paragraph comment is more impressively geektastic.

However, I'd like to point out that rather than "warn" the groomsmen of the bride's drunken cougar aunt, a good grooms bets two percent of the monetary wedding gifts to each of them, without letting on that the others are competing, and then sits back and watches the show, knowing full well he bet drunk uncle Charles that the groomsmen would ignore the bridesmaids for the entire ceremony and reception, taking delighted glee in every wink thrown at the DCA while a groomsman is arm-in-arm with a bridesmaid.

The Loveseat said...

credit must be given where it is due. and knowledge of that maneuver was bestowed upon me from Ethan Bello of BKNY