Saturday, March 24, 2007
According to Page Six of the New York Post, former Playmate and Miss USA Shanna Moakler has reunited and is likely expecting a child with recently-divorced husband Travis Barker (Blink 182 -- "Dammit" is one of your favorite songs you'll never admit to liking; I know how it is. Your secret is safe with me.)
- Moakler's stock drops slightly, though increased hormones mean you might have a shot if you work quickly.
- Clearly, getting bitches knocked up when you're not married is the coolest celebrity trend since adopting third-world babies. Three cheers for super sperm! Hip hip ... well, you know the drill.
Friday, March 23, 2007
- Defined as:
- Celebrities who model for a living, and are known primarily in that context.
- And includes:
- Video Vixens
- Women who often appear in music videos, because if they are prominent enough they will be appearing in the men's magazines.
- They will always be able to fall back on this status if doing nothing else.
- However, if they get caught up in something else (usually Film), Model status shall be revoked.
- They have won a major pageant or fitness competition.
- They are clearly a supermodel, as defined by a one-name recognizability test of participating friends.
- Tyra Banks earned model status for working with Victoria's Secret.
- Normally, because she retired and started a talk show, she would be only a Media Personality.
- However, one applies the one-name recognizability test:
- If one says "Tyra" it's clear who you're talking about, and chances are, it's not because of the talk show.
- Thusly, Tyra retains Model status.
Welcome all to the first Taster's Choice. I'll be bringing you a new girl every week, offering some bearing on her current situation and draft status. This week's TC is American Idol contestant Haley Scarnato.
(Scratch that, Lohan would probably slip a mickey into your drink).
Anyway, I leave you with a video of Ms. Scarnato's recent performance on Idol, one that deemed her "get it" worthy.
Thursday, March 22, 2007
So there's a MySpace war of the Jamesons (Jenna and soon-to-be ex-hubby Jay Grdina), and Perez Hilton got caught in the middle while tracking the blows. It all started when Jenna addressed the questions about her weight (she's gotten quite thin) via MySpace blog. She blamed the weight loss on the stress of her nasty divorce, which Grdina then commented on, basically saying she has an ED. Here's the LLFD breakdown:
- Jenna Jameson is going to be single, on the rebound and likely looking for the furthest thing for a commitment; this is good.
- She is also thin enough to hide by standing next to a street lamp; this is bad.
And stressed or not, she needs to eat. A big, fat baconburger. Or 12. If not for herself, then for the fans. This is like watching Willie Mays play for the Mets. Put us out of our misery, will ya?
- In the event of the LLFD equivalent to Tommy John surgery (women getting pregnant), a listed celebrity will become eligible for the Pregnancy List ("PL").
- The PL is defined as:
- One slot per list on which one could stash a female who got preggers.
- Pregnant women, much like injured athletes, can be dropped to the free agent pool.
- However, you cannot add a free agent to your PL if your 11 roster spots are filled.
- You can drop someone, add the pregnant woman, put her on the PL and add another female to replace the spot.
- Because of the potential ramifications of a pregnant chick being in someone's starting five, the three-month move moratorium is reduced to one month.
- A move can be made immediately and will be processed at the end of said 30-day period.
- After the child is born, the woman on the PL must be moved out of the slot within 14 days.
- If not, she becomes a free agent.
I'm about a weekend late on this one, but it's worth noting. Good look by HiphopDX.
Dallas Austin recently claimed (and since apologized for saying) that inexplicably-won-the-war-with-Britney (Christina Aguilera) and the footwear industry's worst nightmare (Joss Stone) trade sex for beats.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Couple of quick notes today, courtesy of Perez Hilton:
- If get your shot with the hard-partying Miller (1:30 mark), you better have mad cash for limos (Sienna don't do no taxis) or a tricked-out whip to wheel her around in. (READ: not your mom's Volvo wagon on 22s.)
- There's no way I'm EVER letting a woman who learned to drive in their mid-20s and admits to frequent use of harder illicit drugs behind the wheel of a car I intend to be a passenger in -- sample dialogue: "Going 80 down sides streets is, like, AWESOME! The sky is totally bleeding through the windshield ... it's so pretty. I'm gonna go touch it." You know what those are? Famous. Last. Words.
- LLFD veteran Berry's stock just went up, big time, despite her wanting to have kids (normally bad).
- You're totally safe in hitting on her, because you can always fall back on the "Hey, it's not like you're married to the guy ..." excuse.
- There's repeated success potential.
- You can be all "I'm looking to settle down; cheap flings just seem so ... meaningless," and later casually mention you've got super-sperm like a Patriots quarterback and then nail her repeatedly while crushing up RU-486 in her morning OJ and telling her it tastes funny because you added whey protein, which will help her maintain that stellar physique. She'll think you're so sweet, and your friends will all think you're the man, which is really the whole point.
In this ongoing series, Lord Farceface will be reviewing some of the latest offerings from the "Hollywood Establishment" (a cadre of rich Jews and homosexuals bent on destroying Christianity) so that "the movie-going public" (ignorant, pig-fucking shit-farmers) can be more informed. Enjoy!
300 is the Manliest Movie Ever Made
It's impossible not to notice the sad decline in movie badassery these days. As a child of the 1980's, I was lucky enough to grow up with some of the biggest hardasses in movie history. Robocop. Mr. T. Sgt. fucking Rock (from G.I. Joe; not a movie character, but rocked ass none the less). Han Solo and Indiana Jones. But lately we as a generation have been treated to some of the limpest dick "badasses" in history. Examples:
Anakin Skywalker -- So not only is Darth Vader a crusty old white man, but it turns out in his younger days he was just an impudent little prick who scowls like an emo punk with his family at Applebees. Awesome. Thanks for destroying my childhood notions of what a super-villain is, Lucas. P.S.-- While I'm at it, GREEDO DOESN'T SHOOT FIRST.
The Punisher-- For a movie about a superhero whose only power was that he killed a shit-ton of people, guess what he didn't do until the last five minutes of that painfully shitty movie?
Zach Braff movies-- "Hey, look at me; I can't decide what direction my life is going in! It's the biggest fucking crisis ever! My problems are so esoteric and deep!" Fuck off.
And the worst offender of all, Tobey fucking Maguire-- Thanks for making Spider-Man the biggest wuss in comics history, champ. Batman needs to pop over there and give you a punch in the throat (but only the Christian Bale Batman; George Clooney can keep his half-gay version of The Dark Knight all to himself, man). Go squint some more, bitch.
The recent appearance of Frank Miller-based movies, however, rocks serious ass. SIN CITY was so tits that it featured three separate castrations, two of which were on the same character and one of which was by hand. That bears repeating: one character was castrated. By. Fucking. Hand.
But now 300 has burst on to the scene, and holy shit, was it everything our society needed and more. This movie was so manly that when I walked out of the theater, the first thing I wanted to do was beat a cow to death with my dick and eat the raw meat and then go drink moonshine while I fucked a hooker in half, which is statistically proven to be the manliest way one can spend an hour.
300 hearkens back to a simpler time-- a time when men were super-built badasses who cut people's head's off and walk towards the camera in slow motion while death metal blares in the background. It reminds us that our heroes should be domineering sociopaths who kill with impunity, and not whiny little fuckwits with bullshit junior-high problems. Maybe there's hope for us as a society after all.
Oh and as for the list, I'll take Queen Gorgo (Lena Headey) and that red-hairded Oracle girl (Kelly Craig) for the win. But you gotta watch out for that Gorgo, though -- in America, you stick your sword into woman's guts; in ancient Sparta, woman sticks sword into YOUR guts!
Lord Hironimous Farceface
- At any given time, one's bench must contain:
- A Taster's Choice selection
- A Plus-37 MILF or Distinguished Gentleman
- Only if none of the Starting Six qualify, otherwise this reverts to a Taster's Choice pick.
- An Under-24 Keeper
- An Under-21 Keeper
- The Under-24 Keeper ("U-24k" forthwith) is locked into a bench slot for nine months.
- The Jailbait Corollary
- The Under-21 Keeper ("U-21k") is locked into a bench slot until they come of age.
- Once eligible to fill a starter position, a keeper must crack the active list within a 15-month period.
- If they do not, they must be released, and replaced from the free agent pool.
- If a keeper is involved in a trade, the keeper counter does not reset.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
I realized that the posts thus far have been relatively dry, so here's an early attempt at the kind of post I envision becoming a regular feature, something of a laminated list stockwatch.
Browsing this morning's NY Daily News, I saw this article about a run-in between LLFD staple Lindsay Lohan and former flame Wilmer Valderrama at the Meatpacking Districts' PM Lounge. Valderrama crashed Unik's karaoke party at 2:30 a.m., and decided to express his unquenched love by swiping the mic from the starlet:
In front of the packed house, Valderrama sang these lyrics from Matchbox 20's "Back 2 Good:"Here's what to take away:
"Just stand there/I could say so much
But I don't go there cuz I don't want to I was thinking if you were lonely Maybe we could leave here and no one would know
... I'm lonely now and I don't know how to get it back to good."
After the guy sang his heart out, Lohan, now sitting at a table with five pals, including Samantha Ronson, yelled out for all to hear:
"It's too late!" Oh. No. You. Dih-int. "Wilmer tried to take it like a man," says our clubgoer. "But he left a few minutes later. He headed up to PM."
- Wilmer Valderrama needs to rub the sand out of his vagina and realize he could be doing much hotter/hornier/crazier chicks than Lindsay instead of being a little bitch and humiliating himself in public.
- Yeah, he does host Yo Momma (Word to Hair Jordan--ed.), but he's still a celebrity. I mean, MTV didn't ask me to host the show, and it wasn't because they knew I'd turn them down.
- Lindsay is caustic as hell (hot) and clearly a good heckler (also hot; the sports fan in me smiles).
- Lindsay is clearly single, so your previous chances of a earning some LLFD rewards (likely) are now improved (assuming you're not a no-game beta).
- At any given time, one's active Laminated List must contain one:
- Film/Stage Player
- TV Player/Personality
- A TV Personality is either a show host or reality show participant.
- Media Personality/Athlete
- Anyone who asks questions or participates in sports shown on ESPN or ESPN2 as part of their job.
- Taster's Choice
- A celebrity from any of the five categories.
- One of these six can be designated the "franchise"
- Other friends are not allowed to holla at said celebrity, which would result in doubling the Breaking the Pact Penalty (BPP) for the offending friend.
- The active list can only be altered every three months.
Monday, March 19, 2007
To aid in establishing a regular posting schedule, I'm going to throw up one section of the rules per day on the blog. This will aid in search access (by means of labels), though the complete Rule Book will be available as a perma-link. Once the entire current document has been grandfathered in, "Rules" posts will discuss new issues (changes, proposals, etc.) Utilize the comments section of each post to raise questions or suggestions.
My ultimate goal for this blog/site is to be a one-stop resource for anyone who decides to perform an LLFD on their own. I've begun the process of creating "player cards" for draftable females, (sample: Jennifer Love Hewitt) accessible mainly through The Draft Kit. However, this entails a massive amount of research. If a celebrity you'd draft isn't on the list (initially drawn from those selected in our two mock drafts), feel free to email me as much of the following information as you can:
- Her full (and stage) name
- Proposed Position Eligibility
- Date of Birth
- Relationship Status
- Any measures of success score
- An image
- You MUST include the URL of the site of origin!
- Copyright law is the no-fun zone.
- The reason we should add her (100 words or less).
Sunday, March 18, 2007
It all started with an episode of Friends
In the episode "The One with Frank, Jr." (Season 3, Episode 5) Chandler mentions he and his girlfriend have a list of five celebrities the other can sleep with and incur no relationship wrath. The comment prompts discussion amongst the six friends, centering on Ross' intense deliberations. He finally decides on a list of five (Uma Thurman, Winona Ryder, Elizabeth Hurley, Michelle Pfeiffer, Dorothy Hammill), laminating the list to seal it.
This (in addition giving us a name for this pop culture phenomenon) eliminates Isabella Rossellini, whom he later encounters in a coffeeshop. After minimal conferencing, the sanctity of the list is destroyed and Ross is allowed to (unsuccessfully) approach Isabella.
It compounded inside the mind of a man with a vision
A lover of sports growing up in the internet age, it was inevitable that the worlds of The Brooklyn Boy and fantasy sports would collide. The Brooklyn Boy regularly schooled his friends in various leagues, peaking when he finished in the 99.3 percentile of ESPN.com's Gridiron Challenge during the fall of 2001. Any leagues he did not win were the result of thinking too far ahead, like drafting and sticking with Roy Halladay, winner of the 2003 Al Cy Young award, during the 2000 season.
Buoyed the bonds of friendship and competition engendered by fantasy sports, it came to The Brooklyn Boy in a flash — what if one's Laminated List hinged upon those of his friends? By applying the general principles of fantasy sports to the concept of the Laminated List — no duplication, positions need to be filled, starters, a bench, etc. — the Laminated List Fantasy Draft was born.
The Laminated List Fantasy Draft is an idea that had been germinating in my head for some time, before finally being realized last year, with the help of several friends. The basic concept marries the rules of fantasy sports to the list of celebrities a person in a relationship is allowed to sleep with sans penalty, popularized by the TV show "Friends."
After creating a Web site, I realized that the idea was better suited to blogging software. So I'm switching over, in hopes that I'll become more consistent at updating. This blog, ironically, is intended to be an attempt to fill my time and give me something to do instead of dating, which has been unproductive and unhealthy for me of late. There will be a transition period, and inevitable kinks to be worked out, but hopefully, we'll get there. I'm going to grandfather in the site, one post at a time, to get myself in the habit of posting regularly.
Here goes nothin' ...P.S.
I realize this objectifies women, but fact is you could do it for guys, too. I just happen to be a heterosexual male -- hence, female celebrities. If there's anyone out there willing to head up research on guys, get at me and I'll be glad to bolster the site. Until then, the focus will be on women.