Tasty Dish (Formerly Taster's Choice)

I'm back again, perhaps the laziest member of the staff here at the LLFD. I'm gonna start off with a little bit of shameless self promotion, letting you know that Taster's Choice will now be known as the Tasty Dish, because everyone's favorite editor picked a boring title when we started. (So I peaked with "Color Commentary." Sue me.--ed.)

Also, I've added to my arsenal, and will be debuting a column that will run bi-monthly starting next Wednesday, entitled TV Dinners. The post will focus SOLELY on attractive and list-eligible television actresses, personalities or whoever you would come across more in the realm of television than anywhere else. I will be continuing with the weekly Tasty Dish, but they'll focus on the other categories, and continue to run concurrent with themes and current events. And now, onto the pick!

With a slew of new movies released recently, and me having seen none of them, I can't really say anything except that this Actress looked really hot in the trailers, so without further adieu:

Jolene Blalock

(From Songs: Illinois)

Blalock has kinda been out about and around, but off the radar, for a little bit now. She's finally breaking through with a role in recently released Slow Burn, where she takes on a Lisa Bonet look (circa Enemy of the State). Pencil her in for a late-round Film Actress spot (provided she qualifies. If not, keep her in your farm system and be ready to call her up soon. (Boss man, any ruling?)

(Well, she's a TV Actress - four years and 98 episodes of "Star Trek: Enterprise" guarantee that - but she's starring in Slow Burn, as well as one movie (Shadow Puppets) that's completed production and a third that's in post-pro (First Fear). Three starring roles qualifies a celeb for dual eligibility; since you're clearly a visionary, I'll give it to you. Film Actress it is.--ed.)

She's married (as of 2003 to some no-name), but don't worry fellas, she took him to Jamaica and proposed TO HIM, so how much of a man can he really be? He won't be around much longer. At least, unless his game is tight and he trusts her, then don't bring her around me cause I'm a flirt.

Quick Hits

(More Rachel Bilson at Venus, Rising)

Three notes, courtesy of Perez:

• After dallying with the Dark Side, TV Actress Rachel Bilson is providing Musician Ricky Martin with a nice beard. (orig: El Nuevo Dia)
• TV Actor Jesse Metcalfe got dumped.
• Unfortunately for the ladies, TV and Film Actor David Arquette and Athlete Lance Armstrong share a strong sense of "bromance." (Great word, PH, great word.)

One late add, from The Superficial:

• James Blunt made out with Paris Hilton.
  

America's on Acid

In this new series, The Loveseat - a member of the VTHOF for predicting Hilary Duff's megastardom during the first season of Lizzie McGuire - is out to bitchslap all those who conform to what we are told is hot. For some reason, the media wears beer goggles, and we choose to follow suit. America's on Acid - lay off the drugs and wake up!

(From The Age/Shannon Morris)

For my first contribution to the LLFD, I figured I should touch upon someone who has been giving me brain damage for a while: MC PeePants of the BEP. Fergie has somehow managed to gain national attention for being the vocalist of the Black Eyed Peas (even gracing the cover of Rolling Stone's 10th annual "Hot List"--ed.) Maybe this is because she is really hot and can sing, but that's as true as this (NSFW) is comfortable.

Fergie has finally made rank as one of the Four Whore-semen of the Apocalypse (along with Paris Hilton, Double-L, and Brit Brit) officially replacing the newly cleaned-up X-tina. Does anyone else remember a time when London Bridge was a kid's song and not a sex act? Is anyone thinking of the children!?! But, I digress. Fergie's first hit wasn't "Where is the Love" - it was from someone swinging an ugly stick.

And I'm not alone out there, because I heard cheering in the theater when she got killed off within minutes of showing up during "Grindhouse," and it left a twinkle in my eye. Did I just ruin the movie for you by giving something away, or just make you want to see it even more? It's really up to you ...

I also feel the need to point out the disturbing fact that Chyna is still in the spotlight - are people actually feelin' her?!?!

I remember a time when she first entered wrestling, and people thought she was a man. Granted her clenis (NSFW) has justified many of these claims, but her November 2000 Playboy (NSFW) debut actually becoming one of the top-ten, biggest-selling issues in history scares me more than that time I took a trip to the Neverland Ranch as a five-year-old. I knew Michael wasn't responsible, I'm pretty sure it was the Boogey Man. Despite Chyna's dual eligibility as an Athlete and TV Personality, she - if you really wanna go that route - is best kept for the last round of your draft.

Remember, these stars aren't being downgraded; but if you pick them, you will be downgraded in life.

Color Commentary

There are a few benefits of working with architects: Interesting conversations, large social networking, balance of concept and practical sense, gorgeous women everywhere, millions of dollars, free drugs, and psychic powers are common place in the office. Every once in a while though, someone does something big such as being an architect and designing a vacation home in Upstate New York that you get to visit while it's still being built, partying like crazy in it among Sheetrock, boxes, dust, bubble wrap, and dangerously exposed electrical wiring.

I was jarred awake at 10 a.m. Saturday morning, grabbed a hat and some deodorant and ran out to meet my buddy waiting in the car outside my apartment. Less than five hours before I had not only passed out on an L-train platform, but also left a buddy alone at a party in Brooklyn that was waning down to nothing but busted chicks and gay dudes; I was in tip-top shape for the car ride the morning after.

We got up to Sullivan County and grabbed a 1 p.m. tee-time on a course that was completely empty, which was fucking perfect for me - I'd never played golf before. Shooting a round with five knucklehead coworkers, we managed to nail the stretch of perfect weather before the recent Nor'easter came through, filling that time with three golf cart accidents, one golf ball to my ass from 50 yds out (I was putting), and about a dozen Bud Lights each.


After about beer No. 10 and cigarette No. 36, I came to realization that playing golf is just like trying to get women. There's a lot of emphasis on attire and mannerism, a balance of luck and skill, competition, moments of frustration and glee, periods of scanning the scene and conversing with friends over approach angles, inexplicable results due to weather, weird terms like "par," "mulligan," and "Hey, dont touch me sketchball!" and at least in my case - always a 9-iron involved. In the end though, you really just want to take it to the hole and don't give a fuck how it get there. If you're really lucky, this female is involved:

Michelle Wie

(From Michelle Wie Image Collections)

Okay. I know. I am a bad person. And painfully predictable. But look, Michelle Wie looks a little like an ex-girlfriend ... except Michelle Wie plays golf, is five years younger, and doesn't make me stay the night at her parents' place with a dog that flat-out fucking HATED me and LOVED to scare the shit out of me on an hourly basis. I don't like dogs even more than I don't like Fruit on the Bottom yogurt. That shit is nasty and wet and tastes like man-balls. (You would know what man balls taste like ... --ed.)

Wie turns 18 in October and all you Stanford pricks get first dibs. Just notice she's 6 foot 1 and probably won't have time to deal with your immature fraternity panty-raid antics or fall for your weak "You wanna have shots in my room?" line. Trust me, I know girls that have fallen for that first hand ::brushes shoulder off:: - and I'm positive she will not. (Riiight ... like she's classy or something. I've got Sept. 24th in the "First drunken photo on MySpace" pool.--ed.)

Unless, of course, your room contains Tiger Woods Golf for the Wii. Wie is an Under-21 Keeper and a female Athlete who's actually somewhat attractive and doesn't hold a racket. Too bad she plays a game even more fucking boring to watch on TV than tennis.

Hollywood Hates You - A Guide to Recognizing Damaged Goods

In another iteration Hollywood Hates You, Lord FarceFace reflects on his idyllic life in the land of celebretards. It's a magical place where he was able to live out the fantasies of millions of Americans by saluting Paris Hilton with a double-fisted Hawaiian Good Luck Sign (the cooze cut him off in traffic). And he's bringing it to your computer screen. Enjoy.

One of the great things about living in Los Angeles is. . . well, wait a sec, that's not right. There's nothing GREAT about living in L.A. Let me clear that up right now. This place is a miserable, stinking fuck-hole that makes Sodom and Gommorah look like Sesame Street and Fraggle Rock (respectively). The people are egomaniacal to the point where the average citizen spends more time masturbating to his/her own sense of self-worth than actually having sex with other people. Jesus God I hate this city. I hate this fetid, putrid, rotting cyst of a city so Goddamn much. . .

Oh, right. The post.

Um, like I was saying, one of the great things about living in L.A. is that you have access to a veritable menagerie of neurotic, scarred, or just plain fucked-up women. It's like God built a zoo for the emotionally crippled out here. And the best part is they're all (usually) smoking hot.

Now, these women are typically not LLFD-worthy; the women on your laminated list should be a five-course meal of pleasure that entices you on every level. The women I'm about to describe are the Lean Cuisine pockets you heat up when you're too Goddamn lazy/dunk/stoned/fucked up on Quaaludes/observant of the Sabbath/busy writing a joke that goes on too long to feel like caring. Without further ado, here are the three largest phyla in Kingdom Fucked-Up Girl (Yeah, you like that taxonomy shit I drop on your ass, don't you?):

ATTENTION-WHORE

(From No Thinspiration)

Typical Age: 22-25

History: These girls are used to being hot shit in high-school or college. They were the prom queens, the popular girls, and the ones who had the world at their feet. Only they moved to L.A. (maybe to be an actress, maybe to be a model, maybe to conquer the business world; doesn't matter). But since they've ALL moved to L.A., they're now a dime a dozen. So they desperately cling to their old self-image, vigorously trying to deny the reality of their situation.

Physical Characteristics: Retarded-looking, too-big sunglasses; fake tans; tend to travel in herds of ugly, lesser women to make themselves feel better.

Drug of Choice: Only blow can make them feel like they used to.

Key to Successful Capture: Buy into their routine; make them think they really are as amazing as they desperately wish they were. Then start paying more attention to a different member of the species (don't worry, there's always more than one around). That'll lower their self-esteem enough to need some validation in the form of a quickie in the ladies' room stall.

Noteworthy Examples: Paris Hilton, any of those fucktards from Laguna Beach or The Hills.

ART CHICK

(More Joss Stone at Useless Things)

Typical Age: 25-35

History: Remember all the damaged girls from high school who used to write poetry or dance or act? Well, some of them got hot. And this late self-esteem boost coupled with the narcissism inherent to being an "artist" makes them think that they belong with their tragically hip bretheren in Los Angeles.

Physical Characteristics: Black fingernail polish; fishnet anything; emo glasses; different colored hair; any of the other standard shit people are programmed into doing so they can express their "individuality."

Drug of Choice: Absinthe, or some weird shit they swear "makes them creative."

Key to Successful Capture: Keep reassuring them of the uniqueness of their "voice." Nod at the retarded/outright treasonous leftist shit they're spouting. They tend to be very frank when talking about sex, so make sure you are, too. Because the males of the ilk are usually effeminate and weak, be sure to subtly highlight your own masculinity. You should be in if you're engaging enough.

Noteworthy Example: Drrty-era X-Tina, Joss Stone.

"ACTRESS"

Typical Age: 22-35

History: All those hot, yet really, really, really, unbearably fucking stupid girls from your hometown (if you're from the South, you know what's up. Yeah you do.) somehow managed to fuck their way across the country and land in L.A.

Physical Characteristics: Plastic surgery of any kind; blonde hair; designer clothes despite visible lack of employment.

Drug of Choice: Booze, xanax.

Key to Successful Capture: Use of any of three of the following words in a sentence: agent, manager, producer, casting director, rep, pilot, sked, three-picture deal, ten-percenter, or premiere. It's not that hard. Their monstrous - borderline dangerous - stupidity and inherently abysmal self-esteem make it almost unsportsmanlike if you're reasonably slick and/or well-moneyed.

Noteworthy Examples: Jessica Simpson, Tara Reid
--
There are other, lesser sub-categories for each of the big three, but this is the basic breakdown. Just remember to give a fake name so you don't have to spend any more time with these soul-sucking harpies than is absolutely necessary.

Happy hunting!
Lord Hugh D'Arcy Farceface

Visionary Thinking

With Paul Haggis bringing "The Black Donnellys" to TV this spring, The Loveseat alerted me to the return of an actress who's bound to explode once given a proper vehicle. But with "Donnellys" being banished for "The Real Wedding Crashers," our leading lady's star status has yet to go nova, so I bring you:

Olivia Wilde

Wilde - née Cockburn (I can't decide if this bodes well for sexy time or means I'ma have to make a trip to the clinic ... The moral? Make like Dave Chappelle and Wrap it Up!) - first appeared in 2003, on the short-lived series "Skin." Six episodes were created, but FOX ran only three before pulling the plug. After a bit part in the surprisingly good "The Girl Next Door," FOX realized what they had done, and went back to the well, tabbing Wilde for a recurring role in the second season of "The O.C."

In December 2004, while faced with the impending May 2005 cancellation of Radio Free Roscoe, the LLFD gods conspired to bestow upon me a replacement for Kate Todd. While paying the cable bill, I saw an extra charge and realized my roomate and I had been paying for DVR service since August. Taking advantage of this technological wonder, I began watching TV again, and figured I should check out this "O.C." business to see what was what.

It was the middle of season two, and Seth (Adam Brody) was dating devastatingly gorgeous blonde co-worker Alex Kelly (Wilde). Not only did she stun with the visuals, but Wilde also proved her worth as an actress; Alex's post-Cohen romance with Marissa Cooper (Mischa Barton) was critically acclaimed for its authenticity (because of Wilde and the screenwriters - Barton can't act. Or eat.) Also, it made Alex the only character in "O.C." history to be a romantic obstacle blocking both of the show's main couplings - Seth and Summer (Rachel Bilson) and Ryan (Ben McKenzie) and Marissa.

(From Olivia Fan)

I've been enamored with Wilde - and "The O.C." - ever since, and I'm not alone in my musings; notably, ESPN.com's Bill Simmons is also a fan. There's just no way she's not becoming a superstar. Why? Well, she's hot AND can act - which automatically puts her ahead of 90 percent of Hollywood - and just turned 23! She's going to enjoy a long life of LLFD eligibility, despite being married to some douche who doesn't even warrant a photo at IMDB. Draft her as a TV Actress or Under-24 Keeper. Ya heard it hurr.

Quick Hits

(Rachel McAdams and Rihanna)

• Contrary to prior reports, Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling seem to have decided they're too busy for each other. (US)
• Intellectivist, you're officially cleared of all charges of potential housewrecking.
• Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart are engaged. (Perez)
  
• Lindsay Lohan could be good for double-fantasy fulfillment. (WWTDD)
• Successfully play her off Jessica Biel, and we'll name you an LLFD Hall of Famer.
  
• Musician Rihanna's "SOS" got served by Omarion, but it's on the low for now. (TMZ)
  

Visionary Thinking Hall of Fame - The Superficial

(Photos from The Superficial)

Following last week's inaugural election for the Visionary Thinking Hall of Fame, celebrity gossip blog The Superficial (completely unknowingly) stumped for admittance, creating Thursday a post about Brazilian Victoria's Secret model Alessandra Ambrosio "again for no reason." This was the third in a week-long series featuring her "promoting something or other" and "not being ugly."

Guess what, fellas? Mission accomplished. You. Are. In. On behalf of the VTHOF, I'd like to welcome The Superficial to this exclusive club of Visionary Thinkers. There's yet another top-tier Model option on the board, and we're all aware because of you. Smooches (from Ali--ed.), bitches.

Quick Hits

(Tinsley Mortimer from New York Magazine)

• If you're a world-traveler with Socialites on your list, make sure to be in China on Mother's Day. (SR)
• Lil Romeo has just earned Athlete eligibility. (FOX Sports)
• Film Actress and Under-21 keeper Evan Rachel Wood is officially off the market, thanks to creepy old Musician Marilyn Manson. (Perez)
• Vanessa Minnillo is moving to LA to live with Nick Lachey. (P6)
• (Adult) Film Actress Savannah Samson (NSFW) is working toward Musician eligibility. (P6)
• Three notes from Cindy Adams:
• Bruce Willis is dating Courtney Love; Hugh Grant is unengaged and Pamela Anderson isn't trying to get married again. (P6)

Tasting the (Weekend) Wet Bar

(More at Perez Hilton)

This weekend's big news was People breaking the split of Prince William from Kate Middleton after five years. (Perez Hilton posted a linkstravaganza.) Evidently someone pointed out to the P-Dub that while Kate might dress well, she's not so pretty in the face. I'm sure she's a classy broad, but there's no way you can spend more than five years with your friends constantly bagging on your lady and reminding you that you're the Juggernaut, bitch!

Seriously, this cat is the MFing PRINCE OF ENGLAND - how is he not plowing through more chicks than a drunk farmer at a free-range chicken coop? Will's the kind of dude that can celebrate his first night single by spending $22,000 getting trashed with his boys (Perez). Clearly, this means a massive upgrade for the list of any commoner with an eye on moving upward.

(This also prompted the creation of the "Socialite," which we were lacking. Lump them in the pool with Media Personalities and Athletes. We might finally have a solid category there.--ed.)

As for Middleton, Socialite Rank sums it up best:

"Regretfully, this puts this nice but plain girl in a very strange Monica Lewinsky category of a C-list celebrity who has slept with a very powerful man. Unless she gets to Harry really fast, she’ll be out of the London’s high social circles in weeks."

Ouch.

Basketball magazine Dime recently ran Ron Artest's second "Ask Ron" column, and one reader allowed Artest to chime in with his thoughts on who has LLFD potential:

Ron-Ron, who are your Top 3 celebrity females? – Marcus A.
There’s a girl, what’s her name? Lisa Ling. She’s just the total package. Celine Dion and Whitney Houston have the same type of style, but one’s Black and one’s White.

Thanks, Ron. If we had any readers who didn't think you were crazy, they're officially converted. You get a free pass on Ling - she's a legit Media Personality. But Whitney doesn't believe herself when she says, "Crack is wack!" and Celine Dion actually compelled MY MOTHER - who is like the politest and most respectful person of all time (unless you cross her - then it's something surrious.--ed.) - to matter-of-factly say to me, unprompted, "Man, what a dog."

Yeah ... That really happened. Really. I don't think you understand how serious I am. You should.

Quick hits:

• TMZ tells that LLFD favorite Alaina Alexander is trying to extend her draft eligibility by working hard to earn Musician status.
• Perez reports Jamie Bell, who played the eponymous character in Billy Elliot, earns Stage eligibility by taking the lead role in "Equus" on London's West End.

UPDATE: Now that we've established a pretty regular posting schedule, "Tasting the Wet Bar" will become a weekly column, posted every Monday. You'll get some form of "Quick Hits," like the two here on Alaina Alexander and Jamie Bell, in daily doses to supplement our regular coverage of weekly columns.

Keep an eye out for a few new writers and columns in the coming weeks.

We might actually be figuring this thing out ...