Tasty Dish

I work in retail, and I watch a lot of television (thank you, TiVo). You're probably asking yourself, what the hell does this have to do with your Tasty Dish?

The answer is, well ... not much. But I was getting kind of bored with the usual Film/TV actresses, and was bound to start making picks that everyone else would respond to with "Duh," and "Wow, I never thought of picking her!" (sarcasm. Noted.--ed.)

So what's my point? My point is that working in retail they play music all day long. ALL FRIGGIN DAY LONG. It really can get on your nerves at times hearing the same crap over and over. Occasionally I find a song I like and I wait for it to come on and make my hour (currently: Lucas Prata's "And She Said" - word to My Super Sweet 16). For a good six months that song for me was a sped up, techno version of Rihanna's "Pon De Replay." Really though, I just love when she says, "Let the bass from the speakers run through your sneakers." That's hot. Plus she says sneakers, and all these fucking midwestern hicks say "Tennis Shoes," despite not playing tennis with them. Fucking Magoos. I hate them.

I digress.

Rihanna

(More at Bump Blog)

Most of you probably know Rihanna for her sexy Barbadian (That's the word? Really? Eh, why not?--ed.) sound on "Pon De Replay" and "Break it Off" (with Sean Paul), and what happened to be one of the worst songs I've ever heard in "Unfaithful" (Ne-Yo, you have disappointed me). For those that do, probably also remember her as the young, innocent-with-potential singer (I wish I had a witness to back me up, but I definitely saw it a while back) we didn't expect to go anywhere. Well guess what, shorty rock has grown up. The beautiful thing about her growing up is that she's still only 19 (Under-21 Keeper alert!) as of this past February. It's probably the sweetest jailbait anyone aside from R. Kelly has ever seen.

Of course, jumping 10 years ahead, we've got part two of my all-Musician Tasty Dish. For those Pussycat Doll fans out there, my second girl is none other than their lead singer:

Nicole Scherzinger

(More at some page that I can't understand)

Scherzinger (I don't care what she actually is - with that last name, I'm claiming her for the Jews.--ed.) has been bouncing around the music biz for a few years, flying mostly under the radar (except for those of you who watched Popstars on the WB). Howere, she's probably one of the few contest winners who actually spent their time before, during and after their contest experience writing the music they were singing. She co-wrote the song "Buttons" on the Pussycat Dolls album, and has had other writing credits for songs I've really never heard of (because let's be honest, I don't care. The only reason I'm writing about her is because I've been mezmerized ever since I saw her in that little Tomb Raider-inspired outfit in the "Don't Cha" video.)

And she looks like this.

Mock LLFD - Film Actresses (Round 4)

*Bonus*

(From Wallpaper Base)

1. Paz Vega (The Loveseat)
   
2. Claire Danes (America's High Five)
3. Gianna Michaels (NSFW - The Brooklyn Boy)
4. Sofia Vergara (Intellectivist)
5. Salma Hayek (Lord Farceface)
   
6. Penelope Cruz (The Minority Reporter)
7. Halle Berry (The Dirty Mexican)

Initial Reaction: The LLFD likes the darkies.
On Second Thought: Only two white chicks in one round has got to be some kind of record.
Summary: Berry is easily the best Ms. Irrelevant in the history of mankind. High Five held it down with his girl, as did Intell, who led off an incredible three-Latina string. Michaels was the only Adult Film Actress to be drafted, and that was A-OK with me - I was debating her or Beckinsale in Round 3.

Commentary Highlights
Intell and The Loveseat, on Gianna:

TLS: who is gianna michaels
TLS: couldnt find her on imdb
INT: youngin
INT: haha
INT: search
INT: Gianna Michaels Freeones
INT: in google
INT: that'll help you
TLS: OOOOOOh

Final Thoughts

Now that I've cleaned up after fellating myself for the Moore Gambit, I'm pretty satisfied with my foursome of Moore, Biel, Beckinsale and Michaels - those were the FAs I was targeting entering the draft with the No. 5 pick. However, I'm kinda bummed that with three brunettes and a redhead, I drafted four kinds of White. Guess someone hasn't been up on their Color Commentary ...

Browsing the rest of the field, as much as I hate to swell his already massive ego, I think Intell did the best job of drafting. Knightley and McAdams were right on target in the middle of the first and second, and the Chriqui and Vergara picks were REEE-DICULOUS value for their draft position. Surprising to see a double dose of Caucasians there, though.

The Loveseat is right behind Intell, deftly managing the turn in his drafting debut. Each of his picks provoked approving comments and no questions. The Vega pick in the fourth showed good vision. He also successfully countered a challenge of Cuthbert's eligibility, because the kid had done his research.

Farceface quietly put together a very solid list. No holes, solid diversity (Hayek and the half-Israeli Portman) and he did get ScarJo with the third pick. Plus, Jolie is a firecracker in the sack.

The Minority Reporter took his shtick a little too seriously, reaching for Mendes with the No. 2 and avoiding the melanin-deprived like they just did a rail off Lindsay Lohan's cooter. (Haha ... There was no way she wasn't getting mentioned.--ed.) Maggie Q's got potential, but anyone who didn't see that coming was probably surprised that Greg Oden's being represented by Mike Conley Sr.

The Dirty Mexican held it down with diversity via phone. Any draft with Alba and Berry is a B at worst. Saldana and Panettiere were both solid value, with the Saldana selection riling Intell.

As for America's High Five, well ... we've bashed him enough. (No, we haven't - Mich. Elle. Trachtenberg. Michelle Trachtenberg. MichelleTrachtenberg. That is all.--ed.) Passing on Biel in Round 2 was an outright mistake, and the Garner and Theron picks could have been flip-flopped. Danes in the fourth was good one, especially considering he thought her to have first-round potential.

(Check out Round 1, Round 2 and Round 3)

Mock LLFD - Film Actresses (Round 3)

(From Bartcop)

1. Hayden Panettiere (The Dirty Mexican)
   
2. Beyoncé (The Minority Reporter)
3. Angelina Jolie (Lord Farceface)
4. Emmanuelle Chriqui (Intellectivist)
5. Kate Beckinsale (The Brooklyn Boy)
6. Charlize Theron (America's High Five)
7. Lucy Liu (The Loveseat)

Initial Reaction: Wow. Just wow.
On Second Thought: Seriously, can you question ANY of these picks?
Summary: The depth of the film actress pool becomes readily apparent here. We've got - in order- an Under-21 Keeper batting leadoff, a dual-eligible Musician, a Plus-37 MILF, the hottest VT candidate of the moment, a drop-dead gorgeous redheaded Brit, a bombshell blonde from Down Under and an Asian broad from my high school (also that of the Mexican and Intell). Just well done, all around. Cheers.

Also, we arbitrarily decided to draft a fourth round, which made things infinitely more interesting. One note: We had to wait FOREVER for the Mexican's pick - we decided to skip him, but he finally made the call just after Minority's steal of Beyoncé.

Commentary Highlights
Everyone, while waiting for the Mexican:

INT: so who's the child molester that picked Harriet the Spy?
TBB: she's actually turning 22 this year
INT: oh, let me go wake up my cock
TLS: she'll always be nona, the girl with the broken arm
AH5: get there before the hair fellas
TBB: hey man ... if there's grass on the field ...
TBB: Intell, you need to get past the movies people did when they were 12
INT: not only do i not need to do that
INT: but it was the first round
INT: this was Bay City's Chone Figgins pick
INT: he passed on Jessica Biel for Harriet the Spy
INT: she better give good ass head
LFF: Like my brother says: old enough to bleed, old enough to butcher.
LFF: Wait. . . what?
TMR: that fucking mexican is taking ass forever
TMR: i got like 6 picks lined up
TBB: haha ... any of them speak english?
TMR: they can say "fuck my ass" pretty well
TMR: but other than that, no
LFF: Me so horny?
AH5: Wait - what the hell is harriet the spy?

INT: what happened to the rules?
INT: tell him go deliver his fucking flowers and get out of my face
INT: doesn't he have a fence to jump or something?
TMR: oooo
TBB: ouch
LFF: BURN.
INT: fucking A
INT: now i'm gonna have all white chicks
TMR: gross
TMR: stamp out honkys!
LFF: Casual racism - the best kind of racism.
TLS: at least we all admit we hate white people

Farceface, on Angelina Jolie:

LFF: Plus 37 MILF who can probably suck a golf ball through a garden hose.

Intell, ready to move on:

INT: the only thing i have to look forward to is getting to the bottom of my Jack bottle
INT: and i can't even do that because i have no coke
TMR: co-caine?
INT: i guess i have to really alcoholic it up and go straight Jack.

(Check out Round 1 and Round 2)

Mock LLFD - Film Actresses (Round 2)

(From ElishaCuthbert.eu)

1. Elisha Cuthbert (The Loveseat)
   
2. Jennifer Garner (America's High Five)
3. Jessica Biel (The Brooklyn Boy)
4. Rachel McAdams (Intellectivist)
5. Natalie Portman (Lord Farceface)
6. Maggie Q (The Minority Reporter)
7. Zoe Saldana (The Dirty Mexican)

Initial Reaction: I got Jessica Biel!
On Second Thought: No, really - I got Jessica Biel!
Summary: This round resulted in the christening of the Moore Gambit - correctly reading your fellow drafters, and taking a sleeper pick high and gambling on catching everyone sleeping to receive completely unforeseen value later on. Pretty much every pick in this round was well-received, save for a few cheap shots at Jennifer Garner and a collective shrug at arbitrary Asian Maggie Q, who Minority drafted in 16 seconds.

Commentary Highlights
Minority on Garner:

AH5: any criticisms there?
TMR: none
TMR: except how she looks like a man
TMR: and has shoulders wider than mine
TMR: and prolly a bigger dick too.

Everyone on Biel:

TBB: REDEMPTION
TMR: steal
LFF: Total Steal.
TMR: uber steal
LFF: Steal to the FACE.
TBB: the Moore Gambit will know forever reside in LLFD lexicon
TBB: I am a drafting savant
AH5: damn
AH5: good pick
TLS: indeed
TBB: thank you thank you ... you're all too kind
TBB: i did found this shit after all, ha
TLS: i didnt forget, u still took moore in the first
TLS: so ride slow homey
INT: Jessica Biel off the board in the second round?
INT: you're all faggots
TBB: taking moore in the first was the gambit
TMR: you passed on her too, schmuck
INT: yeah, in the first round
INT: she's not fourth pick material

Farce, Loveseat, Minority and Intell on Maggie Q:

TMR: i cant live with myself if I dont pick an Asian
TLS: No Lucy Liu? Or is she played out in the Yellow Fever community?
TMR: lucy liu is quite played out
TLS: shes only half
TMR: plus she's very unpopular with asians
TMR: i got street cred I need to maintain
LFF: They hate halfies.
INT: who the fuck is Maggie Q?
TMR: goddamnit intell, i ALSO wrote about her
TMR: i hate you
TLS: hes been talkin bout maggie q on the blog
INT: sorry i don't remember unhot chicks
INT: or random chicks
TLS: OH burn
TMR: that hurts my feelings man
INT: really i only remember chicks that i write about
INT: so ...
TMR: low blow
INT: i'm just self absorbed
INT: what can i say

(Check out Round 1)

Mock LLFD - Film Actresses (Round 1)

So while we've been doing a smash-up job of providing commentary and advice here at the Laminated List Fantasy Draft, we've managed to go two months without any actual drafting. So spurred on by the success of the KSK Commenter Draft and our review, and to kick off what (hopefully) will be a regular series, we conducted the first LLFD Blog Mock Draft last night, limiting the pool to celebrities with Film Actress eligibility; this included porn stars and non-actress celebs who have "starred" in three films.

With a randomized draft order, plans to go three rounds, and in contact with The Loveseat and Lord Farceface, I called The Dirty Mexican to kick things off. He selected consensus No. 1 Jessica Alba, and I promptly had to scramble to find The Minority Reporter and Intellectivist - the two cats I thought I'm CONSTANTLY in contact with. After about 20 minutes, Minority got back to me; his "run" had taken "longer than he expected." Yeah, I bet there was no "research" involved in that one. Within seconds, Intell got on the horn. Minority contacted America's High Five, and we were officially underway.

Here's the first round breakdown:

(From Mixxer)

1. Jessica Alba (The Dirty Mexican)
   
2. Eva Mendes (The Minority Reporter)
3. Scarlett Johansson (Lord Farceface)
4. Keira Knightley (Intellectivist)
5. Mandy Moore (The Brooklyn Boy)
6. Michelle Trachtenberg (America's High Five)
7. Rosario Dawson (The Loveseat)

Initial Reaction: Michelle FUCKING Trachtenberg?!
On Second Thought: THAT JUST HAPPENED!
Summary: While Mendes is a reach in theory at the deuce, she's a reasonable pick knowing Minority's personal preferences. Knightley was a bit of a shocker for Intell, but that fourth slot was a tricky one. I thought my Moore pick would easily be the biggest reach of all time, but High Five followed me by a) picking someone ineligible (Kristin Kreuk) and b) taking MICHELLE TRACHTENBERG. There's really no way to get enough mileage out of that. None.

Commentary Highlights
Farceface on Knightley:

LFF: SHIT.
LFF: He took Keira?
LFF: I was going to grab her second round!
LFF: I thought her tiny tits would knock her into the second.
LFF: That's why I took boob-alicious Scarlett in the first!

Everyone on Mandy Moore:

TLS: WHAT???
LFF: REACH.
AH5: that is your pick?
TMR: put down the BONG, brooklyn
TMR: jesus
TLS: u coulda saved her for the hypothetical 10th round
TMR: thats like bay city taking chone figgins last year with his #1 pick
LFF: She once fucked Wilmer Valderamma; automatically drops her to round 15.
TBB: haha ... dude so did half of hollywood
LFF: She's a cute girl, but she could have contracted his bad case of Fuckstic-itis.

The Kreuk/Trachtenberg Double Disaster:

TMR: wtf, shes not movie!
TBB: i debate the eligibility
TBB: i'm checking imdb
TMR: i brought that up in my post
TMR: god, glad you read my shit
TMR: you jerk
TBB: she's a film short
TBB: no dice
TLS: repick
AH5: serious?
AH5: BULLSHIT
LFF: This is like when the Redskins selected that Mormon Guy who announced publically that he'd never play pro-football because it was on the Sabbath. . . or because Xenu said it was bad. I forget, I get my cults mixed up.
TBB: or like maryland giving a scholarship to the jewish jordan

INT: WHO PICKED MICHELLE TRACHTENBURG IN THE FIRST ROUND?
TBB: america's high five
INT: who the hell is he?
INT: tell him the draft was for females
INT: the ugly bitch draft is down the hall
INT: she's like 12
INT: he must have thought he was drafting with R Kelly
TLS: hey, she was hot on pete and pete
LFF: Holy GOD, that's an obscure pop-culture reference.
LFF: Remember Artie: The Strongest Man In The World?
TMR: fuck yeah i do
LFF: What the fuck was up with that guy? He hung out with a 10-year old kid all day.
LFF: And wore tights?
TLS: i think he was homeless
LFF: Shit man, that's an Amber Alert waiting to happen.
TMR: dude whatever
TMR: he could lift cars
TMR: and roll a bowling ball forever
TMR: FOREVER

Color Commentary

Like most 20-something Americans males, I don't have the attention span nor the care for snail mail. Most of the crap I get are 1) credit card applications, 2) junk mail from previous tenants, 3) bills demanding money and 4) organizations hitting me up for money. All of this ends usually ends up in the trash immediately, except for the letter above.

At first glance it seems like a charitable effort, but when you dig a little deeper things make no sense. First off, the United States Postal Service is one of the most poorly run government offices after the DMV. They are the last organization I would ever put in charge of running a food drive. Half of the food would end up at shelters, and the remaining will get lost - sans a few hundred pounds getting delivered inexplicably to a rich dude in Beverley Hills. They're already slow as balls, and the interiors of these hell holes look like my bedroom when I was 14 and all rebellious: stupid posters, filthy floors, and nothing ever where it should be. So yeah, I really want to deal with rotting food, sticky floors, and more rats than normal, all while waiting on line to mail a package or buy more of those stupid two-cent stamps. (Effing price increases.--ed.)

Secondly, they expect me - a guy who doesn't even own food for himself because he eats out constantly - to not only package food, but also to walk to a post office with heavy bags full of cans and shit? You're the Postal Service! You have cars, vans, trolleys, and trucks! You go to everybody's house six days a week! Am I the only one here to realize they are under-utilizing a heavy advantage? Clearly, they really don't care about feeding people, only making themselves appear to be actually useful for the tax dollars. Cash Rules Everything Around Me, indeed.

They also don't seem to care about reality. Take another look at the flier, specifically this blow-up of the dude holding a bag:


What the hell? How can he be holding a bag with of a picture of him holding the same bag? Is this some kind of crazy mirror trick? Is the bag a projection screen? Upon further review, the bag isn't even real. Yes, that's right. The UPS has the money to create a fake bag in Photoshop (Boo. Fireworks, yay!--ed.) but can't deliver a returned DVD to Netflix. Even more bizarre is date on the fake letter on the fake bag doesn't even match the date on the real letter I got in the mail. "Saturday May 12th" makes sense. "Saturday May 5-12" means what exactly? Fuck these people and fuck this food drive. I'm creating my own.

Are you tired of honkys taking over? Sick of dealing with white chicks and their attitude? Need more Asian persuasion in your life?

The Laminated List Fantasy Draft and the United States Postal Service are pairing up this week to Stamp Out Honkys!

Step 1: (Put your dick in a ... Oh, wait.--ed.) Find a large mail bag. Bonus points for the bag that contains any of my lost/stolen mail.
Step 2: Find a white chick on the street, bar, retirement home, or Feminist Rally if you want a challenge. Except the Take Back The Night march, as that's not cool man.
Step 3: Put her in said bag, and mail her to anywhere but New York City. Send the skinny white girls with no butt to Saint Louis, as it'll drive Intell crazy and get him to move back to New York even faster.
Step 4: Wait 4-6 weeks, and you'll receive a mail-order bride from Asia!

And which brides could you expect? Maybe this one..

Andrea Fonseka

(From Beautiful Newsmakers)

These pictures are of the same exact woman, Malaysia's Miss Universe of 2004. She was dubbed the "chubbiest contestant" and "worst in swimsuit," but then was approached by some creepy guys in white coats and turned out like she does on the right, after a weight-loss program (Called "Throwing Up a Lot." Models irritate me.--ed.) Chalk her up as a Model - her bit parts and single lead role in a television show in her country won't get her much of a shot at TV Actress. (Sure won't.--ed.)

I would like to say thank you to the creepy guys in white suits, who have done the world a huge favor. And if you'd like to do The Minority Reporter a huge favor, please participate in this week's "Stamp Out Honkys" Food Drive. Together, we can all make a difference. Believe!

Quick Hits

(From MTC)

• Hips Don't Lie, or play soccer. (With Leather)
• Eva + Jess + You = LLFD Hall of Fame (TMZ)
• Tony Parker, unfucked ... for now. (SLAM)
• Adam Brody proves guys are dumb, too. (TMZ)
• Bromance: Jake Gyllenhaal and Austin Nichols read together. (TMZ)
• AmIdols making noise ... on The Great White Way. (TMZ)
• Sanjaya, desperately seeking ... New York (and extended TV Personality eligibility). (TMZ)
• Taylor Hicks, anonymous again. (TMZ)
• Tom Brady, Sperminator and murseholder. (TMZ)

(From BBC - Top of the Pops)

• Geri Halliwell, size queen (News of the World)
• Barbara Bush, taken. (Page Six)
• Nick Cannon, engaged. (TMZ)
• Neve Campbell, married. (Perez)
  
• Brittany Murphy, married. (US Weekly)
• Johnny Depp, officially out of The Queen E's clutches. Officially. (US Weekly)
• Ricki Lake, hot? (TMZ)

Slay-by-Slay

It came our Editor's attention that recently I've been writing a lot about sports in my articles and should take on the daunting task of bringing more sports-related women to the surface. I really don't know how I fell into this, and I can say right now without doing any research that this will last four (seven--ed.) weeks until I run out of hot Athletes. And I've already covered Michelle Wie.

Still, it's a fresh change and allows me to cover the forbidden white girls for a chance. Despite my affection for Asians and Latinos, I will sadly admit there are *some* hot Caucasians, and since this is the first article of Slay by Slay I'm going to cheat a little. To be honest I'm making up the rules as I go along so I really don't care. This week's sports realm is the Electronic Sports!

(From English People's Daily Online)

Yep, that's right - video games. Though a staple of my youth, my video game experience was completely interrupted by college. Since I made the idiotic choice of studying architecture as an undergrad, I had literally next to no free time after studio, getting drunk, trying to get laid, and doing whatever it took to keep my fraternity from being kicked off campus. I only played a handful of titles during that four-year gap, and two years later, I've begun to slowly rekindle my passion for killing digital people while intensely hungover. Thanks to a recent XBox 360 purchase to counter my "switch" from PC to Mac, I've taken a notice of these cute little animated sprites:

Amanda MacKay(From AmandaMacKay.net)

See, there are hot girls that like video games. Well, at least, hot girls who are paid to pretend to like video games. The Canadian-born MacKay now lives in Los Angeles (Good luck, Farceface--ed.), where she works with G4TechTV and Gametrailers, hosting a variety of television shows and Internet v-casts. Also, as far as I can tell, she's single; considering that most of her peers, co-workers, and interviewees are men who get annoyed when mom comes into their room asking for dirty laundry, you shouldn't be too surprised. She got her start as a Model before moving to MTV Select in Europe. Fill her in as a Media Personality - the Model pool is as deep as FarceFace's specially reserved circle in Hell.

Morgan Webb

(From I Heart Morgan Webb)

I can't explain it but I am infatuated with this girl. Also a Canadian, Morgan Webb hosts X-Play on G4TechTV with her tool co-host, Adam. I've actually sat down and placed my hand in such a position that I can't see him on the screen, because his Tool Level is up there with Carson "I Invented the Word" Daly. I flat out refuse to show a picture of this man because I loathe him so much. Farce - if you see me Hell, its because I couldn't resist the growing urge to kill him. I guess being Agnostic would in theory land me there as well, but at least I didn't kill Jesus. (*cough* *cough* BrooklynBoy. Whatever. At least we run Hollywood.--ed.) Webb is gorgeous and could spank your ass in every video game you've ever played, ever. Which is fine by me, as I long as I get to return the spanks in real life.

(From Her MySpace)

Webb's even got a MySpace page where you can be her friend and then leave stalker messages like every other pathetic dude on that "networking" website. She also lives in LA and is another solid Media Personality.

Both of these girls are easy late-round sneaks and will have your friends a) calling you a huge nerd and b) pissed off because they didn't think of them first. And you thought I was going to write about Athletes, suckas! (Fucker.--ed.)

TV Dinners - My Name is Earl

While our inaugural pair of TV Dinners from two weeks ago contained loads of LLFD-potential talent, we have to recognize that most television shows (especially those on network TV) are lacking in attractive and successful women, with the usual exception of a lead and maybe one supporter. (Lauren Holly is a total MILF - I don't even care that Jim Carrey's been there first. Or that she's married with three kids. PS I think I just blew up NCIS as a TVD column. Oh well.--ed.) The television world - and movie world, for that matter - seems to be dominated by men (with the few exceptions of Lifetime and the Oxygen network, both of which are banned from my house. And links here.--ed.) Just a warning to those who expect another post filled with six or eight beautiful women to look at. Besides, it's really about quality, and not quantity. ('Cept for that Degrassi post - Nine chicks with draft potential edges out your Entourage cadre by two for the LLFD record.--ed.)

Quality, I have. This week's TV Dinners is going to center on the NBC comedy My Name is Earl, about a guy (Earl, played by a vastly underrated Jason Lee a/k/a my boy--ed.) who wins the lottery and almost immediately gets hit by a car. While in the hospital, he learns about "this thing called karma," and decides that karma is getting back at him for all the bad things that he's done. So to quell karma's anger, he decides to make a list of everything bad that he's done, and he goes off, one by one, doing good deeds to make up for the bad ones, ultimately in the hopes of crossing each bad deed off of his list and satisfying karma.

The show used to air on Tuesday nights, and I would never get to see it because I bowled every Tuesday. I started watching it in reruns over the summer after it moved to Thursday nights, and then my bowling league moved to Thursday nights (Karma's a bitch.) I would have thought it was not meant to be had it not been for the discovery of the greatest invention ever.

Now that I was able to watch the show on a regular basis, I could not only enjoy the show as a whole, but also the two lovely women who starred in it:

Jaime Pressly
(More at Best Week Ever)

Hopefully this picture is to The Loveseat's liking.

Pressly might be the only woman ever to go from making a Skinemax movie to actually being a legitimate actress. Usually it happens the other way around, or something like that. But for those of us that saw Poison Ivy 3, we knew there was something special about her. Now, starring in "Earl", she plays natural trailer trash (maybe it's those North Carolina roots Hey now - don't hate on the Tar Heel State.--ed.) It's not just her appearance that makes her watchable, but the fact that she can actually act. I know, I know - it's a novel idea. Crazy, isn't it? Put an attractive woman who can act and a show is succesful.

Draft-wise, some might remember me using my second pick on her in our Drunken Speed Mock (I was drunk, duh). That might be slightly high, due to her recent stint on the PL (which she's no longer eligible for) and her engagement to some never-was, but damn it, if you want something, sometimes you have to overvalue it. She's got TV and Film Actress eligibility (not to mention would make a dynamite Taster's Choice), and even though she's not over 37, she's definitely a MILF. (Agreed.--ed. and every male with a pulse)

Then we've got:

Nadine Velazquez
(More at Slice of the Day)

Velazquez is a legitimate VT candidate, and frankly, I want credit. I know I maybe don't deserve it, but I haven't seen anyone else talk her up, draft her or anything (though she did make No. 93 on Maxim's Hot 100 in 2004). And I would have mentioned her sooner if not for planning this article in advance. So there we have it. If she breaks out, add it to my plaque (I'm not really this greedy. Really. I'm not. Sure you aren't. Jury's still out on whether it counts.--ed.)

Okay, so aside from credit, Velazquez is the perfect buy-low candidate. She's sexy, on the verge of a breakout, and not enough people know her name to draft her early. But don't wait too long, because you're gonna be really mad when one of your buddies drafts that "hot Spanish chick from My Name is Earl."

Visionary Thinking

I'm the kind of cat who doesn't let things I like die easy deaths. I can't seem to go three posts without finding some way to mention Radio Free Roscoe, stuck with The O.C. during Season Three (which - thank fuck - paid off in Season Four) and I'm INFURIATED that The Class is pretty much all but canceled. But, during the rest of my time on this mortal coil, it's likely no TV show will ever inspire in me the same passions as Dark Angel.

I was all over DA from the second I heard "James Cameron, post-apocalyptic future and mutants." Well, that or seeing my first picture of Jessica Alba. 16-year-olds are impressionable, man. If you have your best friends when you're 12, I'm declaring 16 as the age you're most likely to develop a celebrity crush you're just never, EVER letting go of. Watching Jessica Alba does that pretty much anytime, but when you have a completely badass character (Max Guevara) who has moments of tender vulnerability (Triptophan seizures, family ties to the other X-5s) ... gosh. I signed up on that bandwagon for life.

So, despite missing most of Season Two at the time it came out - because the geniuses at FOX decided to put a show with a core audience between 18-34 on Friday nights - I was crushed by its cancellation at the end of the year. I'm not gonna lie, it ended in a good place (much like RFR), but only having two seasons was the weakness.

I responded by keeping tabs on all the DA alums, paying extra attention to every random movie or episode of a procedural J.C. McKenzie (he's that guy) or John Savage appeared in, and getting into Numb3rs not because the concept intrigued me or the women were so fine, but because I had to see three episodes before I accepted "Herbal Thought" (Alimi Ballard) could speak without a Jamaican accent.

So upon getting up to Oneonta last summer and finding myself with a dumb amount of time to kill, I came across a little CBS show called NCIS, featuring Michael Weatherly a/k/a Logan Cale, the "Eyes Only" informant, a/k/a my hero for nailing Jessica Alba (once engaged). His NCIS character, Anthony DiNozzo, is a play on the same base - brilliant, principled, bit of a ladykiller, but without the dour super-serious introspection of Eyes Only. DiNozzo's actually quite caustic, and they throw him some great material to work with, like from the Sept. 5 episode:

"I got a better chance of hooking up with Jessica Alba than these guys do of infiltrating SeaLift."

Cracked me up, that one.

So as the course of the second season developed, DiNozzo began to get shady on the rest of the crew, secretive on the cell, offering the runaround on his whereabouts. See, the player had been slayed by a lad:

Scottie Thompson

(From ScottieThompson.com)

This green-eyed Southern belle is a classically trained ballet dancer who spent many years with the Richmond Ballet before getting that Harvard education. So to recap, Thompson's smarter than you, can dance, can act, is sexy as hell and makes mad cash. That would be oh, say, 5-FOR-5 in the "Categories That Matter" checklist. And if being Michael Weatherly's love interest on a TV series is a valid predictor of success (see: Alba, Jessica and The World Takeover), Thompson is about to explode bigger than Peter Petrelli. Holla atcha Heroes.

(From IMDB)

Hollywood Hates You - Summer Movie Preview Part 2: Electric Boogaloo

FANTASTIC FOUR: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER

(From Pop Stars Plus)

Pro: Features Jessica Alba, widely regarded around these parts as the likely first pick of the first-round.
Con: The first one sucked ass, and this one will likely ass-suck.

Pro: Jessica Alba's ass is worshiped as a deity in lesser-developed South-American countries.
Con: Also features a giant, naked, bald silver dude.

Pro: I love you, Jess! We're meant to be together. Why won't you return any of my FUCKING CALLS? Answer me! ANSWER ME! I'm not going to hurt you. Shhhh. It's ok. Shhh. (She's MINE, you fucking Stan.--ed.)
Con: Jessica Alba will not, as far as we can tell, be naked in any part of the movie. Nor is she likely to magically come to life, walk out of the screen, and sexually pleasure me in the theater.

Verdict: We can probably count on a few Maxim photoshoots of Ms. Alba being produced to stir up interest. Since she'll likely be wearing far less clothing in those than in the actual movie, save yourself a couple of bucks by sitting this one out and just buying Maxim. Spank. Kleenex. Repeat.

DELTA FARCE

(From Pop Culture Madness)

THIS should let you know what Hollywood really thinks of middle-America: a "comedy" about three redneck-jackasses (two of whom are played by real-life redneck jackasses, Bill Engvall and Larry The Cable Guy) who, en route to fight in Iraq, accidentally invade Mexico. I can imagine the pitch meeting now.

Exec 1: We need a movie that REALLY speaks to the inbred, backward-assed, racist dipshits who live outside of New York and LA. [Blows a really big rail off his desk]
Exec 2: You're right. We need to target the ignorat fuckstick demographic as elegantly and subtly as possible. [Texts high-priced call girl he'll be meeting later that night.]
Exec 1: Okay, let's see ... We'll start with two unbearable, idiot comics that these people like.
Exec 2: Ooh! Let's not forget to make it about the Iraq war. They LOVE that war!
Exec 1: They'd have to, to vote for George W. Bush. HAHAHAHAHAHHA!
Exec 2: HAHAHAHA! It's fun being smarter than and morally superior to 99 percent of the American public! [Throws scalding coffee on his idiot assistant, who accidentally added SOY milk instead of sunflower milk, the Asshat.]
Exec 1: Weee! Ok, let's see. We'll do some product placement. Slim Jims! NASCAR! Jesus!
Exec 2: I'm already ahead of you. Dip! Hunting! Guns! Wal-Mart! Git-R-Done!
Exec 1: We're going to make $300 million! We're fucking geniuses!

Not only that, they don't have the DECENCY to put any well-known or decently hot skootch in the Goddamn preview. My brain is bleeding into itself just thinking of this forthcoming cinematic abortion. There's really no way for me to express my contempt for this idea in words. The bile I just puked up all over the floor should sum it up nicely.

I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU CHUCK & LARRY

(From Caradisiac)

A movie about two straight fire-fighters (Adam Sandler, who ran out of funny a solid 13 years ago Correction: 11--ed., and Kevin James, some fat dude from some crappy sitcom that I could have sworn went off the air back in '04 Only two eps left!--ed.) who pretend to be a gay couple for health insurance. Would easily claim the title of "Most Retarded Fucking Movie I've Ever Heard Of," had Delta Farce not come along first. Also stars (if the trailer is to be believed) Jessica Biel in her panties. In conclusion, I'll be seeing it twice on opening day.

TRANSFORMERS
No titties. Shitty CGI. Stars Shia Labeouf. It'll make $700 million world-wide. My penis, however, remains unimpressed.

DIE HARD 4: LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD



Let's see: Has John McClane. Features a shot in the trailer where a police car crashes into a helicopter in MID. FUCKING. AIR. Also stars super-hot and aforementioned Maggie Q. Yippie-ki-yay, motherfucker.

HOT ROD

(From Wallpaper Base)

A movie by that unfunny dipshit from SNL. No, not Jimmy Fallon. No, not Chris Kattan. No, not Rob Schneider. I speak, of course, of Andy Samberg. The only redeeming quality? Two words: Isla Fisher. Many of you may know her as that super-hot crazy broad who repeatedly ravaged Vince Vaughn in Wedding Crashers.

• Fun fact: She's the fiancee of Sacha Baron Cohen, better known as Ali G/Borat/Bruno!
• Another fun fact: She gives me an erection! Late-round quality goodness right here.

HOSTEL: PART II
Chances are, if you're scoping tits and ass in a movie that features women being dismembered, flayed, and otherwise violated, you're also probably required to stay at least 100 yards away from schools and playgrounds. Now quit reading this and get back to the abducted Midwestern boy you have locked in your basement. He's been reading your thoughts again; he must be cleansed.

Thus concludes the Official LLFD Summer Movie Preview. 95 percent are clearly going to blow, but you already knew that. I've tried to point you towards the ones that will have decently hot women in them, which will hopefully make the tears taste less bitter. But it probably won't.

(Check out Part 1--ed.)

Lord Farceface

Tasting the Wet Bar

(From B-roll.net)

Newscaster Alycia Lane's spot was blown up hard by Page Six after she sent some racy bikini shots to NFL Network anchor Rich Eisen - via the e-mail account he shares with his wife, Suzy Shuster. Shuster reeled off a catty response, and Lane immediately went into damage control, getting one of her friends to say, "If you look at [Eisen], you know he's not even in her league." Ouch. On the plus side, her ratings have increased treee-mendously. Knowing Lane is a potential homewrecker and two-time divorcee rockets her up the Media Personality rankings. Keep an eye out in the early rounds.

(From Hollywood Fashion Trends and Oh, Hilary)

Greatly entertaining MySpace fight between Kim Kardashian and Haylie Duff, in which Kim K has the gall to call Duff a "slut." I'll leave the commentary to What Would Tyler Durden Do?:

It's almost admirable that the girl who released a hard core sex tape would call another girl a slut. It takes a previously unrecorded level of narcissism and delusion for her to have the temerity to do that. Haylie would have to be blowing the Lakers AS she typed her email for Kim Kardashian to have the moral high ground in this fight. Even then, it would be like a raccoon in a dumpster calling you fat.

(From Clubbing Baby Seals)

Evidently skinny bitches must be allowed to model due to the Americans with Disabilities Act. Eff this country, man. Only one in the damn world where we simultaneously have problems with obesity and people intentionally starving themselves. We should all just chainsmoke, excercise and hate on the U.S. like the Euros. Then we'd be fit and popular worldwide. I propose a mandatory two-month diet swap between the Fattypuffs and Thinifers. Deal? Deal.

(From With Leather)

This was beaten to death by the sports blogosphere, but Tecmo Super Bowl superstud Christian Okoye is going to be on a new CBS reality show called "Pirate Master." Deadspin's take:

It is encouraging to know that someone out there remembers Okoye as fondly as we do. It is also encouraging to know that that someone would like to see him dressed up in an eyepatch and saying the word "scurvy." Our fingers are crossed that he has a parrot.

(From Shoot Your Hopes and Dreams)

Boy George got a lil too rough for an escort in New Zealand, handcuffing Auden Carlson to the wall, brandishing an array of sex toys and telling him "he'd get what he deserved." Carlson then "pulled the hook from the wall and fled in his underpants." Hilarious. I don't even have a joke.

Quick Hits

(From The Gossip Girls)

• The Sperminator flipped a bird of the bill to all Boston fans, got Gisele to quit smoking and spent mad cash on her. Meanwhile, the lady's Secret is out, though she's being considered for the lead in Angels & Demons. (Boston Herald; Page Six)
  
• Continuing in the tradition of fine (and LLFD-related) work by The Big Lead guest bloggers, Gangsta D of The Commission served up a TV Dinner on the ladies of Lost. (Intell - he analyzed the "characters," so you're still good on the actresses.--ed.)
• Kate Bosworth has been eating things with calories. (The Superficial)
• Plus-37 MILF Roma Downey and Distinguished Gentleman Mark Burnett are knotted up. (NY Daily News)
• (Adult) Film Actress Savanna Samson (NSFW) took a first step toward Media eligibility. (Page Six)
• Young'uns Jesse McCartney and Katie Cassidy might be engaged. (TMZ)
• Jennifer Esposito and Bradley Cooper are dunzo after only four months. (TMZ)
• Bob Dylan frightens small children. (Page Six)
• Heather Locklear is taken and happy. (People)

(From The Blemish)

• Bruce Willis is really comfortable with his cradle-robbing ex, Demi Moore, and Ashton Kutcher. (The Blemish)
• Angelina Jolie gets "friendly" when she drinks. (US Weekly)
• Colin Farrell causes dudes to have severe allergic reactions. (WWTDD)
• Paris Hilton is going to jail for 45 days. Hood sales projections for her next album just increased five-fold. (AP)
• Katie Holmes owns the household, and likes flirting with co-stars. (People; MSNBC)
  
• Contrary to prior reports, Michelle Rodriguez likes the cock. Or she's just trying to stay marketable - how cynical are you feeling today? (MR Underground)
  
• Lindsay Lohan does coke, has lots of sex. No, really. This is news. (News of the World)