Tasty Dish

I find that I've pigeonholed myself here at the LLFD, focusing mostly on cookie-cutter Tasty Dishes and TV Dinners. Granted, I've brought you such draft favorites as Emmanuelle Chriqui and Nadine Velazquez. Yes, I've alerted the loyal readership to such Plus-37 MILFS as Heather Graham and Judy Reyes. And it's true, I've drawn your attention to such beauties as Aya Sumika and Chrystee Phariss. But really, anyone with a pulse and a little effort could do the same. It takes a special kind of columnist here at the LLFD to really break the mold and hit you with something you never would have seen coming.

And so began my quest.

Who could I find for this week's Tasty Dish that would really "go big or go home". To be honest, what with packing for a big move, and working just about every other second, I haven't had much time to sit and think. And when I have, well it hasn't gone well. I'm pretty fried.

Well whenever I'm bored and don't feel like thinking or putting any energy into anything, I hop in the comfy recliner downstairs, grab a snack and turn on my ESPN.

It just so happened that this week, while watching ESPN's midday lineup, I got bored of the usual talk-radio style shows they play one after the other. I was stuffed up from allergies, tired from packing, and didn't really feel like sitting there having people yell at me without being able to yell back. So I flipped to my back-up, ESPN2.

Well, whaddya know.

Sitting there, on ESPN2, was some Billiard championship. A male-female team showdown (one male and one female per team). Was that intriguing to me? No. What was intriguing to me was who was playing.

Jeanette "The Black Widow" Lee

(More at ravencues.com)

What intrigued me about this young lady is not that she's most commonly referred to as the hottest chick in pool, or that I've known about her for a while and was too stupid to even think about her. What intrigued me was that I had an opportunity to beat The Minority Reporter to the punch when it came to presenting a lovely, Asian athlete. Considering he has this new task of bringing to light attractive athletes (of which there are a lot more than people give credit to), the idea that Ms. Lee wouldn't even register on his radar was almost too good to pass up. Yes, she's married. Yes, she has a baby. But she's also one of the top players in the game, and with a name like "The Black Widow," she has to be dynamite in bed.

However, that wasn't enough motivation to create an entire post. So luckily, I kept watching. It turns out that the other woman playing in the event actually is the hottest chick in the sport.

Jennifer Barretta

(More at Billiards Forum)

I had never heard of this woman before. But I was smitten. An attractive woman with an amazing body who could kick my ass at pool? Baretta's perfect. I don't know if I could ask for anything more. In fact, I'm not even gonna ruin this by writing about her anymore. I'll just show another picture.

Well, TMR. What do you think of them apples?

Mock LLFD - Musicians Roundup

“To dare every day to be irreverent and bold. To dare to preserve the randomness of mind which in children produces strange and wonderful new thoughts and forms. To continually scramble the familiar and bring the old into new juxtaposition.”

--Gordon Webber

Final Thoughts

I really wanted to give this one to Intellectivist. His first three picks (Mya, Christina Milian, Rihanna) were all on my list; I considered Rihanna at that 2/3 turn before caving in to Whitey McWhiterson tendencies. But I couldn't get past Ciara, who I think looks like a dude (and is widely rumored to be at least halfway).

The peanut gallery seemed to like The Minority Reporter's squad of Alicia Keys, Eve, J-Lo and X-Tina, but I've got to side with Intell and say that Eve in the second, while attractive on occasion, does sink his list. Aguilera in the fourth was quite good though. She's proly craaazy for one night.

Loveseat proved solid again, but Beyonce falling to him at No. 6 was offset by not being his brother's keeper and spitefully reaching for Avril early in Round 2. Faith Evans and Teairra Mari were both intriguing choices.

Farceface made a surprising, but very respectable No. 2 pick with Nicole Scherzinger (word to Intell.--ed.), then snagged Jessica Simpson late in the second and turned the screws to me by taking Moore immediately after I passed twice. He's undermined by the audition drama that precluded a clear mind and left him with a Dixie Chick to be named later.

As for the newbies, they both need to get a better hang of this. Missing Man taking Gwen Stefani at No. 3 was a traveshamockery, and DJ Paddington drafting Branch was like some team selecting JJ Reads Bad Fucking Poetry in the lottery. Oh wait - that actually happened. The rest of the squads are pretty serviceable, with Paddington (Amerie, Lauryn Hill and Toni Braxton) edging MM (Kylie Minogue, Lindsay Lohan and Victoria Beckham).

And though I'm feeling good about my list (Shakira, Carrie Underwood, Joss Stone and M.I.A.), blunders like passing on Moore after taking her in the first of the much-deeper Film Actress Mock, cost me any top-spot consideration.

So because everyone else undercut themselves, and I'm feeling a little bit crazy, I'm sending the draft love to One-shot. He did his research, thought outside the box (Opera? Fucking A, man. Good call.) and ended up with every one of the chicks he wanted (Anna Netrebko, CéU, Luiza Possi and Bebel Gilberto). And might even have a more realistic shot with 'em because they're not super-duper megastars ... or even American. Cheers, man.

Lessons Learned

Outside of the (very) shallow top tier, wait until the middle rounds of an all-category LLFD to make your Musician pick. You'll probably get whoever you want.

Next Week: Models

Check out Round 1, Round 2, Round 3 or Round 4)

Mock LLFD - Musicians (Round 4)

1. Toni Braxton (DJ Paddington)
2. Ciara (Intellectivist)
3. Teairra Mari (The Loveseat)
4. Christina Aguilera (The Minority Reporter)
5. Victoria Beckham (Missing Man)
6. The Hot Dixie Chick - Identity TBA (Lord Farceface)
7. Bebel Gilberto (One-Shot)
8. M.I.A. (The Brooklyn Boy)

Initial Reaction: Who are we picking? Seriously ...
On Second Thought: X-Tina that low was a good call.
Summary: Evidently we've been watching too much Lost, because this round is simultaneously a throwback (circa 1998) and flash-forward (couple Keepers). We forgot about One-shot again, and Intell picked a dude, just to, you know ... "find out if the rumor is true ..."

Just a weird close to a weird draft.

Commentary Highlights

On Toni Braxton, and forgetting about One-shot:

Lord Farceface: Wow, Toni Braxton?
The Brooklyn Boy: wow ... did someone get stuck in 1995?
The Loveseat: it IS the 4th
One-shot: fourth?
ONS: I never went in the third
The Minority Reporter: huh?
TMR: you got skipped?
ONS: yeah
TBB: word?
ONS: yeah
TMR: haha
TMR: you suck
TBB: hahah ... uhm
TBB:go?
TLS: whats it matter, hes gonna pick a random girl anyways
TMR: just gonna say that
ONS: yeah that's true
ONS: Luiza Possi

On Ciara:

Intellectivist: well i was debating on going for all of Danity Kane
INT: but i'll just go ahead and nail down Ciara and call it a day
The Brooklyn Boy: would you like a side of penis with that pick?
The Loveseat: skinny ass hermaphroditic bitch
TLS: sorry, just callin it like i sees it
One-shot: man mix it up a little man, you're all mon-racial
INT: my goal is to find out if the rumor is true
TBB: the rumor about you liking dudes?
TLS: yea ... thats what it is...
TLS: then u gon ride it like a pony
Lord Farceface: That's really something you'd want to know beforehand.
LFF: Like, through recon.
LFF: Because if it was true. . . man, there's just no way you're having a good night.
LFF: You find that out first-hand, I swear, you could win the lottery an hour later and you'll still remember that day as "the day you found out that chick you wanted to nail had a dong."
DJ Paddington: damn, that would be terribly horrifying if it was true
INT: Brooklyn, you're gonna talk about someone doing something gay?
INT: you say "smooches"
TBB: i mean ... i didn't draft a chick with a dick ...
Missing Man: wait I was out of the conversation, how did we get to chicks with dicks
INT: Brooklyn is one
TLS: did u find that out through experience too?
TBB: Intell picked a tranny
INT: she doesn't have a dick

On X-Tina:

The Minority Reporter: i own this shit
Intellectivist: yeah she doesn't impress me
INT: i thought about her
INT: and then realized i like attractive women

On The Loveseat's VTHOF call sliding through:

The Brooklyn Boy: Loveseat ... how'd you let your VTHOF pick slide all the way through?
The Loveseat: Hilary?
TLS: shes 4 later
TLS: an under 21 mayhaps, not for musician
Intellectivist: Hilary Duff?
INT: or Clinton?
INT: cause if it's Clinton...
TLS: damn right its Clinton
INT: good man
DJ Paddington: Clinton has a snooch in her snizzle
TLS: i banged the presidency into that one

On Posh Spice:

The Brooklyn Boy: wow ... the rock nips
Intellectivist: now SHE was a MAN
The Minority Reporter: my god Intell
INT: i was waiting for someone to pick her
INT: it's true
INT: you dont' remember?
INT: everyone was talking about how one of the spice girls was a man
INT: she looks most like one
INT: with all that collagen in her lips
The Loveseat: i thought it was scary
TMR: you're obsessed sir
TMR: you need help
INT: no her boobies were too realistic
One-shot: yeah I think posh was supposed to be the hot one
INT: to the brits, maybe
ONS: although, they were all British girls keep in mind
Lord Farceface: Scary's preggers now.
TLS: pretty sure she was the hot one
INT: why do we care?
INT: next
TBB: scary had the kid
TBB: but kept the maternity boobies
TMR: fun pillows
TLS: this is the most any group of guys has talked bout the spice girls
TBB: and they haven't existed in 10 years
Missing Man: Hey man, if she's good enough for Beckam I can handle it
INT: yeah i'm starting to wonder about us
TLS: maybe u and Ciara
TLS: i think i'm fine
INT: we watch Nick Jr, talk about the Spice Girls, read gossip websites and say "smooches"
INT: oh wait that's all Brooklyn
TMR: lol
TLS: The N is not Nick Jr.
TLS: and HA
INT: you're just defending him cause you know you're on the same path.

Farceface, a wee bit distracted:

The Brooklyn Boy: we're waiting on Farceface.
Lord Farceface: Sorry, SHIT.
LFF: I may have to run out of here.
LFF: Something came out.
LFF: Come up.
TMR: came out?
TMR: i dont even WANT to know
LFF: Hahah, Freudian slip.

On skipping One-shot ... again:

The Brooklyn Boy: One-shot make a pick
One-shot: huh?
TBB: i think we skipped you
ONS: oh
ONS: I didn't really prepare a fourth
ONS: so ... Bebel Gilberto
ONS: it's a reach
ONS: I know
DJ Paddington: say whattt????
INT: One-shot picks the classical pianist of the Latvian nation
TLS: haha what is going on here?
TMR: you actually knew that?
INT: huh? no i was typing it before he wrote out who he picked
INT: i have no idea who this Babel chick is
TLS: it sounds right though

Mock LLFD - Musicians (Round 3)

(From Useless Things)

1. Joss Stone (The Brooklyn Boy)
2. Mandy Moore (Lord Farceface)
3. Lindsay Lohan (Missing Man)
4. Jennifer Lopez (The Minority Reporter)
5. Faith Evans (The Loveseat)
6. Rihanna (Intellectivist)
7. Michelle Branch (DJ Paddington)
8. Luiza Possi (One-Shot)
   

Initial Reaction: Michelle Branch. Wow. Well, if anyone was waiting for the complete and total reach, there it is.
On Second Thought: Rihanna at the end of the third?! Effing A. Nice pick.
Summary: Pretty solid round here. By picking Stone, I a) broke up the potential AmIdol twin killing I would've scored with undrafted (?!?!) Katharine McPhee and b) incurred the wrath of my fellow drafters by passing on Moore, who I knew would go before I could make my last selection. What can I say? I'm a sucker for British accents ... and the bitch fucks for tracks.

Oh, and One-shot ended up last because we skipped him without missing a beat. No one noticed until we were at the turn.

Commentary Highlights

On Farceface taking Mandy Moore directly after I passed ... twice:

One-shot: lol
Intellectivist: OOOH
The Brooklyn Boy: fuck ... i knew that was my only shot
The Loveseat: oooh its the "moore gambit"
INT: how she went in the first round of the deepest draft but not in the first round of this one?
INT: i'll never know
The Minority Reporter: how? it's called Brooklyn being a dumbass
TMR: that's how
INT: yeah
INT: i'll agree with that
TBB: I DID IT ON PURPOSE
TLS: such bull
TLS: what if someone picked biel?
TLS: huh what then?
TBB: then it wouldn't have worked ...
INT: we'll just call when you do something stupid and try to play it off as on purpose the "Brooklyn Gambit"
TMR: god Intell, I can't wait until we live together
TMR: Brooklyn will be in tears every night
INT: that's the gayest thing anyone has ever said to me
TMR: really? i thought when Farceface said, "Let's play 'just the tip,' " was the gayest thing

On Lindsay Lohan:

The Loveseat: lohan?????
TLS: get outta this draft
TBB: nice
One-shot: yuck
The Minority Reporter: hmm
Lord Farceface: Enjoy all the herpes you get with that one.
LFF: A big bucket of Aids.
TLS: u dont have the money to pay for the coke to keep her awake
TBB: if we're playing the one night card ...
LFF: Shit, when you pull out you might have some of Jude Law's spunk on your man.

On J-Lo:

One-shot: wait, does she have more than one album?
Lord Farceface: Dude, she's got like 10.
LFF: Well, maybe not 10, but a shit-ton.
ONS: shows what I know about pop culture
The Minority Reporter: you live off the GODDAMN 6 TRAIN
TMR: i hate you One-shot
TMR: i hate you
ONS: no, you hate mainstream pop culture

Mock LLFD - Musicians (Round 2)

(From Musicstars.com.ar)

1. Lauryn Hill (DJ Paddington)
2. Christina Milian (Intellectivist)
3. Avril Lavigne (The Loveseat)
4. Eve (The Minority Reporter)
5. CéU(One-Shot)
6. Kylie Minogue (Missing Man)
7. Jessica Simpson (Lord Farceface)
8. Carrie Underwood (The Brooklyn Boy)

Initial Reaction: LOVESEAT IS DEAD TO ME.
On Second Thought: Weird mix of picks. Just a weird, weird mix.
Summary: Loveseat clearly was out to screw me by drafting Lavigne there, and Intell pulled off a decent lil Moore Gambit (or as everyone else calls it, "Blind fucking luck" see comments--ed.) to snag dual-eligible star Milian. I thought the Underwood pick was pretty money, myself. One-shot started a one-man run on Brazilian singers, and Missing Man got confused and thought we were doing the MILF draft.

Commentary Highlights

On Avril Lavigne:

The Brooklyn Boy: YOU'RE DEAD TO ME
Intellectivist: haha that pick sucked
INT: that was just to ass fuck your brother
INT: and since he's not in North Carolina anymore that's not legal
TBB: that's def not legal in NC - if you have 10 barefoot chicks in a house, it's a brothel
Lord Farceface: I call it "home."
INT: stop talking Brooklyn
INT: i was talking about inter-family fucking
INT: THAT's legal

On CéU:

The Loveseat: who?
The Minority Reporter: no comment
DJ Paddington: Ceu? is that slang?
Intellectivist: motion to allow One-shot ONLY to draft in the last round
INT: since nobody is picking any of his chicks anyway
TBB: i mean ... One-shot could go all day, it seems
TMR: and all night too, ladies
Lord Farceface: Is Ceu her name?
INT: her name should be "i need to get my eyebrows waxed"

On Kylie Minogue:

The Loveseat: ugh
Intellectivist: motion to never allow Missing Man to draft again
INT: this isn't the plus-47 MILF draft
Lord Farceface: Didn't she lose a tit to cancer?
LFF: That's not sexy, bro.
TLS: musician should be eliminated as a category
TLS: nobody is pleased with any choices
One-shot: musician is so damn esoteric
The Minority Reporter: hey man, that one music video she did was tight
TMR: with all the repeating shit
TMR: on weed i could watch that all fucking day
TMR: just cancel all my appointments
TMR: and hit loop

Mock LLFD - Musicians (Round 1)

This week, in a draft none of us were looking forward to, we tackled Musicians. Considering how easy it can be to carry a musical career on image (see: Madonna; also: pre-KFed Spears, Britney) there's just not much to be enthusiastic with this pool. It's like TV Actresses, except instead of second-round talent, it's third-round.

Everyone was pretty easy to track down, save for The Dirty Mexican bowing out to go see the first showing of Pirates of the Caribbean and America's High Five turning up MIA on his way to Michigan. Oh, two guest bloggers this week: fantasy sport superstud Missing Man and Loveseat's homeboy DJ Paddington.

Oh, and I totally blew it and forgot to email myself the comments, so those have to wait until I get back to Oneonta at 3 p.m.

Here's the first-round breakdown:

1. Shakira (The Brooklyn Boy)
2. Nicole Scherzinger (Lord Farceface)
3. Gwen Stefani (Missing Man)
4. Anna Netrebko (One-Shot)
   
5. Alicia Keys (The Minority Reporter)
6. Beyoncé (The Loveseat)
7. Mya (Intellectivist)
8. Amerie (DJ Paddington)

Initial Reaction: Beyoncé dropped to sixth? Say word?
On Second Thought: Nicole Scherzinger was a complete surprise at No. 2, but a great pick.
Summary: Solid picks all around - Stefani's the only clunker of the bunch. I hated on Mya going that high initially, but upon Intell reminding me to check the other options, it's a justified choice. One-shot changed the game up, drafting an opera singer. Wasting picks? To each his own ...

Commentary Highlights

On Nicole Scherzinger:

Lord Farceface: I pick the lead chick from the Pussycat Dolls.
LFF: I don't know her name.
LFF: Because her name doesn't matter.
The Minority Reporter: the one Intell posted about
TMR: Nicole Schwhatever
LFF: Yeah.
LFF: Sure, whatever.
The Brooklyn Boy: Nicole Scherzinger
LFF: Shit, that's her name?
LFF: She sounds like a Nazi war criminal.
TBB: i'd warm up her oven

On Anna Netrebko:

The Minority Reporter: damn, One-shot had that fucking pic all lined up and shit
Intellectivist: dude
INT: you're kicked off
INT: you're out
INT: you can't draft anymore
INT: first the princess of Azerbaijan
INT: now this?

On Alicia Keys:

Intellectivist: she's not Asian!
The Minority Reporter: she's not white
TMR: and that's all that matters
Lord Farceface: The only Asian singer is Yoko Ono.
The Brooklyn Boy: first round Minority?
TBB: really?
TMR: i had to
TMR: i HAD to
TMR: when she does that wink in that Smoking Aces trailer
TMR: I cream my pants each time
TMR: that is worth my 1st pick
TMR: i make no apologies

On Mya:

The Loveseat: wack
Intellectivist: wack?
TLS: her face is twisted
INT: Mya is wack?
INT: you're all kidding me, right?
The Brooklyn Boy: Mya in the one??
TBB: she was like no. 450 in the KSK draft
INT: KSK is GAY
INT: did you see who they picked in the top 30?
INT: get off their dicks
INT: let me ask you a question
INT: what is the point of this draft?
The Minority Reporter: to better humanity
TMR: and to give me more pics for my "spank bank"
INT: no, to fuck the bitches we draft
INT: who has the best chance of fucking the bitch they draft?
INT: One-shot and his opera chick?
One-shot: I think I have a good chance there
ONS: I mean, how much play can opera chicks get?
TLS: agreed
TMR: they get lots of fat wap diego cock
TMR: those damn hairy italians and their crime
Lord Farceface: His only competition for the opera broad is Luciano Paverotti, and that fat fuck ain't got shit on One-shot.

On draft preparation:

The Minority Reporter: i have my list on a utility bill like a fucking crack addict
TMR: well, a crack addict that has ulities

On Amerie, and Intellectivist as an alias:

The Minority Reporter: amerie? what the fuck is that, a country in the pacific?
The Loveseat: for a minority reporter, u dont really know ur minorities
Intellectivist: i mean she's fine as hell
INT: but suffers from Allie McBeal syndrome
The Brooklyn Boy: seeing dancing babies?
TBB: she's the one thing chick
TMR: one thing chick?
TMR: i have one thing chicks each night son
TMR: one thing and then i'm done
TMR: and by thing, i mean dirty anal sex
The Loveseat: wow
TMR: yeah i said it
One-shot: there we go
ONS: I hope no one tops that
TBB: i don't know if anyone can
TLS: ur forbidden from speaking till its your turn
INT: don't get mad at him cause he lives your dreams
TMR: haha thanks Intell
TMR: i always know you got my back
INT: stop calling me that
INT: it sounds gay
TMR: its because you picked the fucking worst name ever
TMR: to spell
INT: sorry i already had a fucking blogger name
INT: i didn't know we were coming up with code names
TBB: you can change your blogger name you know ...
INT: yes but it wouldn't work with my other blog which i never update
INT: so suck that
ONS: how about Red Soldier? that's a good blogger name
TLS: shut up commie
INT: how about My Cock Is Bigger Than Yours?
INT: How about Turd Furgeson?
ONS: where's the nickname there?
Lord Farceface: It's a funny name.
TLS: smokey mcpot?
ONS: with my version, you could be Big Red
INT: I hate you Ron Burgundy
INT: I hate you
TBB: intell was a baaaad choice
INT: GO BACK TO YOUR HOME ON WHORE ISLAND
INT: that's bush league Brooklyn, BUSH LEAGUE
DJ Paddington: Lauryn Hill
LFF: Lauryn Hill? That name's already taken.
LFF: Oh, that's your pick.

Slay-by-Slay

The Minority Reporter once again dives into the bland world of female sports to attempt to find someone - anyone - worthy of your Athlete/Media Personality slot. Typically is this already hard as balls, but thanks to JackAss High Five writing about athletes in his recent posts and Stupid-Face Intell planning to, it's been upgraded to hard as fuck. Thanks, jerks.

So, building upon last week's figurative gold mine (think, kids - gold is yellow), The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift, the following YouTube clip below actually has pertinence to Slay-by-Slay. Just before this scene, the white dude asks Han, "Why do you drift?" Han's response:

Yep, basically to nail hot Asians with his bizarre RX-7 mating ritual. How am I not this white dude in the car?! I need to get to Tokyo now. Go figure tomorrow I'm going to Portland, Maine for Memorial Day weekend - Maine being a state that's 98.08% white. Sweet Jesus, save me now.

Anyways, if you watched closely in the video, you'll see the passenger in the Nissan Skyline is a) hot and b) should not be the passenger, for she is the one and only...

Verena Mei

(From Pure Hot Models)

Yes, that's right fellas, this 5-foot-4 treat is an actual racer! Which makes her a FUCKING Athlete and in my opinion, kicks the shit out of Danica Patrick. Today is a good day, and I didn't even have to use my AK. (Word to the Left Coast. And your mom.--ed.) She's also an Import Model, but as I've mentioned before, the LLFD Model pool is as deep as I'm going to be in Honkies this weekend. Christ, why did I agree to go there again? Oh, right - it's basically a free trip, and I love free shit.

(From Star Girl Racing)

As I was called out last week for including Patrick and Michael Schumacher in the same racing division, (but thankfully not for railing on Staten Island), I've included a link to Mei's official website, Star Girl Racing. There you can read all about her rig, finishes, racing team, and about 30 more things I really don't care about. However, I do care that she wasn't featured as the driver in the YouTube clip, for the Nissan Skyline is one of the most badass cars ever and there's no way that tiny Asian model has any idea how to drive it. And in Toyko, everyone is supposed to know how to drift. Or at least that's what they tell me ...

This week's Color Commentary may come, it may not. Blogger has a new feature that "automatically saves your post", but also apparently automatically deletes them too! I had this Slay-by-Slay mostly written and was going to do a two in one day, but now I'm not so sure. I've been home sick today in an attempt to save my energy and feel better for my crazy weekend. Because, you know - telling white girls why you aren't interested in them is actually more work than you'd think ... Such is the life of The Minority Reporter.

Where You At?

Hey errybody! I just got back from my paid vacation (Ha!--ed.), and I decided it's time to report on more girls I'd shave my balls for (not that I've ever done that or anything ... Nope. Nothing like that.--ed.) So I was loungin' away on a beach, when I got to thinking - whatever happened to ... what's her face? You remember - that girl; she had the huge tits, beautiful face, tight ass and errythang?

After much stress while trying to place a name to the vision my brain was having crushing orgasms to (which might have been the sign of a stroke; time will tell), I decided this can never happen again. So now I, The Loveseat, will ask these LLFD-eligible ladies Where You At?

(From Codeswhore)

Thank God I didn't post this pic - although a chick on the can can have it's moments ... like when you're praying for a miscarriage. (Wow.--ed.) Everybody remembers Singled Out. I know that's a bold claim, but this is my article and I can stretch the facts however I like. Besides, once you're featured on Boy Meets World, you earn automatic worldwide popularity. Anyhoo - that show switched this vixen's status from Model to TV (McCarthy was on more than 100 eps, but w/o syndication who knows if The Loveseat Loophole will win out again).* Being replaced by Carmen Electra (who in the SAME YEAR also took over for Pamela on Baywatch) could've meant she was through, but Jenny kept up her career, proving the time-tested formula that Breasts = Success.

*(Crap - this was originally intended to be covered by TV "Personality," but based on discussions prior to the TVA/P Mock, we ruled that all show hosts count as Media Personalities. Thusly, in a complete farce, Jenny McCarthy is eligible for any drafter's Media slot. That's a bigger LL than anticipated. Craziness.--ed.)

(From NY Rock)

Scream 3 cemented a permanent Film Actress dual eligibility (third major release with star billing). McCarthy's got three categories under her belt, and she just keeps moving - if we count the 2006 Lingerie Bowl, that makes her an Athlete too! (Brick - she was there to host. Creative thinking, though. PS That site is AWESOME.--ed.) This girl is un-friggin-stoppable. And, assuming she lives for two more years, she earns Plus-37 eligibility! Wow.


I just had to put that picture in there to remind you of just how hot this woman is. So, Jenny McCarthy - Where You At? Answer: Lined up to be drafted in the next LLFD. Don't even try to steal, cuz bitch is mine. (Yeah, that didn't come off like a rapist at all ... Nope. Not even a little bit.--ed.)

TV Dinners - Lost

When TBB posted his Quick Hits article on Sunday, my mouth gaped open. I wanted - nay, demanded - credit for the find of Sarah Shahi. It was then brought to my attention that I had not brought her up in any of the LLFD drafts, chats, etc. (We've since taken measures to prevent a recurrence. Look for an upcoming VT series.--ed.) And I remembered why.

For one, I couldn't (at the time) get a handle on the eligibility rules. Her only regular TV show, Teachers, lasted about six episodes, despite being kind of funny (and letting me look at Shahi on a regular basis). My first encounter with her was on a random episode of Supernatural; she played some kind of ghost/spirit/mother thing who just stood there in a long white gown like she wanted to get it. I woulda excorcized her demons in a second.

So because of my lack of knowledge for the rules, and an aversion to releasing my secret weapon to the other drafters (who have a knack for stealing my picks), someone else beat me to the punch. KSK deserves their credit for bringing to light the beauty that is Ms. Shahi - I must concede that. But let's not forget who was the original member of the VTHOF. Also, I have witnesses who heard me speak of her as far back as last March, if I have to bring them out.

As for the article at hand, well today is a very special day. "What day is it, Intellectivist?" you, generic reader, might ask me. Well if you don't know, then for shame. Because today is the day most of us have been waiting for.

That's right, it's the season finale of Lost. Who knows which doors will close and what new ones will be opened? Who will die? who will live? What will they do to make me itch all summer while waiting for next season?

Those questions I cannot answer. However, in honor of this glorious day, I shall bring you the lovely ladies of Lost:

Andrea Gabriel, Marsha Thomason, Sonya Walger

(More at Lost Wiki, IMDB, Celebopedia)

These here are the crown jewels of random guest spots. Walger (Penelope Widmore), a veteran guest-star who has yet to hit it big, would have VT written all over her if it weren't for some propensity to talk with half her face asleep. Thomason (Naomi the parachuting chick) just has this sex appeal. Maybe it's that she seems kind of bad ass (in a feminine way, unlike our friend Michelle Rodriguez); maybe it's her accent (that British accent kills me every time). Who knows? But I'd be lying if I thought she would make much more of a splash than she already has.

Gabriel (Nadia), however, is an intriguing case. She's young (29), naturally beautiful, and somewhat versatile, I believe. She's definitely made some waves with her beauty, so if she ever gets a chance, there's a shot she could catch that attention she deserves. And if she does, you'll be happy when you bought low.

Tania Raymonde, Kiele Sanchez

(More at foreign Lost Wiki, KieleSanchez.net)

Lost-heads were up in arms when the half-Puerto Rican, half-French Sanchez was added to the regular roster - so much so that Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindelof had to add in a filler episode *SPOILER ALERT* just to kill her off (as well as her on-screen boyfriend). It really was a shame, not only because of how they died, but also because they killed off the hottest chick the Island has ever known.

Raymonde I first caught a glimpse of on Malcolm in the Middle about five or so years ago, when she was just a young'un (12); but like young Hayden, I saw the potential then. I didn't toot Raymonde's horn as much, partially because Remember The Titans is one of my favorite movies of all time, and partly because I wasn't as sure that we would hear from her again. But when we finally did, I saw my prediction was coming true. Raymonde's not a perfect beauty, but off the Island she cleans up real nice and has that genuine look to her. Not to mention the eyes. She's a lock for the U-21 slot on the bench. You're a fool not to pick her up as a last-round pick.

Yunjin Kim, Evangeline Lilly,

Elizabeth Mitchell, Emilie De Ravin

(From Stuff, Ask Men, Entertainment Weekly and art.kaola.cn)

This pretty much rounds out the list. Lilly is always a hot pick here at the LLFD, but she's overrated in my opinion, due to an extremely religious upbringing (READ: no sex without a ring), and the fact that a little hobbit apparently found himself a special ring of his own and gave it to her. You ain't hittin' that.

As for the other three, Kim we'll leave for The Minority Reporter, and Mitchell and Ravin aren't really my type. Personally, I think these last four are the Carlos Delgado's of this shit, purely name value, not much substance. I'd rather wait eight rounds and catch me a Richie Sexson. (Me, I'd take the 30-100-.280 in the right place vs. the potential 45 homers and Mendoza-line average, but hey - to each his own.--ed.)

HHY Special Edition - Cannes Can't Stand You

(From AMB Cote d'Azur)

After much pissing and moaning, The Brooklyn Boy finally got the LLFD Crew to agree to fund my trip to that annual orgy Hollywood throws in order to convince themselves of their own artistic genius - The Cannes Film Festival!

Cannes was originally conceived as a forum for cinematic expression outside of the Hollywood mainstream. But as a huge and hilarious "fuck you" to the festival's original founders, studios now use Cannes as a means of premiering their loudest and stupidest movies (see "Troy," "Star Wars Episode III: Darth Vader is Officially No Longer A Badass and Shall Heretofore Be Completely Fucking Ruined For An Entire Generation," and "X-Men 3: Look At How Much Shit We Can Blow Up! I Can't Believe It! Characters Are Literally Hurling FLAMING FUCKING CARS At Each Other! FUCK YEAH!")

So, like all things artistic in life, it has officially been corrupted into nothing more than a shitty viral-marketing campaign. Why? Because money talks, and bullshit walks, bitches. Combined international totals for those three movies: more than $1.8 billion. Combined international totals for weird French movies featuring shitty protagonists doing incomprehensible things that for some reason other dorky film assholes consider artistic: $Dick.

Anyway, what follows are my dipatches from Cannes. Enjoy!

--Just got off the plane ... fuck you all for the coach ticket. If I wanted to fly like that, I'd work for the Weinstein Company (OOOOOH! Indsutry, BURN). Ok, time to find me some art!

--Saw Michael Moore. He was kind enough to literally stand on a soapbox and explain to everyone who'd listen that "The Rebuplicans, blah, blah, blah ... Big Business, blah, blah, blah ... Take Action, blah ... fuck you, blah, blah ... Big Pharm, etc., yadda, somethingorother."

Look, I'm not saying activisim is stupid or anything, but activisim is fucking stupid. Caring about other people's problems is utter bullshit. I mean, how are you going to make money from it?! And if you can't make money from it, then what's the Goddamn point?! The only difference between Michael Moore and a crazy homeless guy spouting off about how the government put a chip in his head is a camera ... and homeless guys don't usually smell like a deep fryer ... and weigh about 400 pounds.

(From Hollywood Tuna)

--Hey there's Pamela Anderson! In a bikini! She's . . . apparently having lunch at a nice restaurant in the bikini . . . ok, that's kind of weird. But man, if this were 1994 and I didn't know she had Hepatitis, I'd be getting a boner right now!

--Roman Polanski just asked me if I had any low-grade horse tranquilizers ... I wonder what that was all about?

--Wait, why was Pamela Anderson here? Was she invited? Or did she just sort of show up and hope her giant knockers would get her into the party? Pfft ... Like that ever happens, lady.

--U2 is here. On the one hand, they're do-gooders and I hate do-gooders with as much passion as Snidely Whiplash. On the other hand, they played the reopening of the Superdome (yes, Lord Farceface is a Saints fan - deal with it). So it's kind of a wash - I want to make fun of them, but they have some street-cred in my neck of the woods. I'll just make fun of The Edge; that seems fair.

--The Edge is a really stupid name. ... Yeah, I feel pretty confident about that.

(From China Daily)

--Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are here with their whole brood. I wonder why Brad keeps wandering away every 30 minutes to smoke a cigarette, cry, look up to the heavens and wail, "All I wanted was some super-hot skootch! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?" Oh, actors. You so crazy!

--There's Bai Ling, and ... that's really all there is to say. Her career consists of showing up and looking like an idiot.

--And there goes Ellen Barkin, confirming that there is seemingly no good, hot ass here that doesn't also come with kids ... or hepatitis. Man, FUCK this Joint.

(From Drunken Stepfather)

--JESSICA SIMPSON! Thank GOD! Holy Christ, she's got huge knockers ... I hear she's on the rebound, too. Her breasts are UNBELIEVABLE. She looks kinda good with the dark hair. Look at those tits! Her dad's creepy as fuck. Also, she's got some serious sweater meat. Should I give it a shot? Giant Boobies. Fuck it, I'm going for it.

--Holy CHRIST that girl is retarded. I asked her how it was going and she just blurted out, "STANLEY!" What an idiot! My name's not Stanley! I would have made fun of her some more, but then some big guy tasered me. I just woke up in the bushes ... Why does my ass hurt so much? Anyway, dynamite jugs on that Simpson girl.

All it all, it was a fun couple of days, but I should probably get back to LA. That cocaine isn't going to snort itself!

Quick Hits

(From Kissing Suzy Kolber)

Had to give credit to Unsilent Majority over at Kissing Suzy Kolber for some stellar Visionary Thinking on Friday. His monster post about Sarah Shahi (government name: Aahoo Jahansouzshahi) mixed backstory, necessary information and commentary with a slew of fannn-tastic photos. If she blows, UM will earn KSK's second induction into the Laminated List Fantasy Draft's Visionary Thinking Hall of Fame. Nice work.

We Failed at Life ...

So I purchased a $3 DVD the other week, but my crap player died and I only replaced it yesterday, which meant I didn't get to watch until then what might well have been the best bad movie of all time. And today - it hit me. In both of our initial mock drafts, we made a terrible, terrible, inexcusable omission. Yes, she's dual eligible. Yes, I've been kicking my own ass since I thought of this, and I'm positive most of the other cats here are going to do the same.

Everyone ready? Yeah? Okay - three words:

Sarah.
Michelle.
Gellar.

(From Venus, Rising)

Say it with me now: "Aw, crap. What the fuck was I thinking?" A quarter of the way into Harvard Man (which you all officially need to watch - officially), Gellar started riding the shit out of Vince from Entourage reverse-cowgirl style in the woods (see what I'm sayin?) and I wanted to have sex. Right then. With her. Until three weeks from Tuesday. Good god. I had to masturbate 12 times to relieve the pressure. I almost blew a load through two Kleenex. Fuck, I need a moment. Excuse me ...

Phew ... Now where were we? Ah, yes - I realized today that NO ONE HAD DRAFTED HER. This is one half of "The Kiss" for chrissakes. Her outstanding run as Buffy The Vampire Slayer made Dark Angel (and thusly Jessica Alba's entire career) possible. So she's not only salacious as fuck, but also responsible for the LLFD's consensus No. 1 overall. That's unbelievable - though still a step below us fucking this up.

(From Venus, Rising)

Sarah Michelle, my name is The Brooklyn Boy, and I'm never letting this happen again. Really, baby, I promise. It was just this one (two) time(s). Don't leave me.