Tasty Dish

After doing almost no research on last week's Athlete/Media Personality mock draft, and succumbing to a last-minute fourth round (which turned into somewhat of a bust on my part - damn you ESPN), I knew that there had to be Athletes we hadn't mentioned, besides the obvious - forgive me, Natalie Gulbis (thumbs up.--ed.) and Lindsay Jacobellis (thumbs ... eh), for passing. My disappointment wasn't in that I don't think I draft a hottie, because like I said, with Sophie Sandolo, I would definitely play through. I just wanted to pick a fourth rounder that would make everyone go, "Ooooh," or something of that nature. I pride myself on the success of my drafts and my knowledge of attractive and successful women in the spotlight, so I seek to wow with every pick.

However, without doing the necessary research or having the appropriate inspiration, it's really hard to get someone who makes everyone think "that was a great pick," especially with the differing lineups we all like to sport.

Therefore, I have to resort to post-draft columns. I suppose it's a good thing, as it gives me easy Tasty Dishes every other week, I just wish that I wouldn't continue to forget these picks. It would make my record sparkle even more than it already does.

Amanda Beard

(More at The Sports Biz Blog)

I was gonna shrink the image to fit better within the column, but I think in light of Beard's recent Playboy pictures (NSFW) I might go ahead and get you started.

Beard has been in the spotlight (and horsefaced--ed.) since she was 14, winning Silver at the Atlanta Olympics (1996) in the 100- and 200-meter breaststroke, as well as a Gold in the medley relay. Well, she done growed up since then. And unlike other members of our draft pool, she's actually good at what she does while she looks good doing it. (For the record, Kournikova was awesome at doubles.--ed.)

On the other spectrum of the mock draft, we have a semi-well known woman who's gaining popularity with each passing day. Personally, I was never thoroughly impressed, but she is attractive and man, can she cook.

Rachel Ray

(From Flash Flash Revolution)

Having spent time in the Midwest, I can't tell you how much different it is to be around women who can cook. Now I'm all for equality, and I was raised to believe that men belong in the kitchen just as much as women do (I make some sick tacos and a mean chicken parmigiana), but there's nothing like a woman who knows how to cook and understands that "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach." I mean that. (I'd make the case that she's a TV Personality, not Media, but that's a nebulous fucking rule. I hate myself. And Rachel Ray, but that's only because I worked on the cooking floor at Barnes and Noble and her books were fucking EVERYWHERE.--ed.)

If you'll excuse me, I'm getting hungry, so I'm going to make a sandwich.

Socialite/Stage Mock POSTPONED

To due major wackness on the part of oh, say ... everyone here at the LLFD, this week's Mock Draft had to be pushed back. We'll come back next week with more socialites than you can shake a stick at. And maybe even a Broadway baby or two.

PS
By "wackness," I meant "we're all way too fucking cool to draft consistently on Thursdays because of social pressures and activities." People like us. We're kind of a big deal. Hence, Wednesday is draft day from here on out. Enjoy the regular posts.

Slay-by-Slay

(Writing about female sports sucks. So in this article of Slay-by-Slay, The Minority Reporter is going to test the waters in the glamorous world of Hollywood Sports. Sorry, Farceface, but a dogs gotta eat.)

The other day I got home and noticed my Netflix had come in. To my disappointment, I had forgotten to place the final disc of Season 5 of the Sopranos (yes, I know the series just ended but I don't own cable or watch TV) on top of my Netflix queue and instead received Jerry Maguire. I must have stashed this movie on my queue months ago and figured, "What the hell?" I'd never seen it but when it first came out, it got mad hype and love from everyone.

Well, everyone is fucking stupid. This movie sucks, completely pointless and I had no idea what was going on half the time. I know sports. I was alive in the early 90's. I know who Tom Cruise is. But this movie was something else. It followed the same simple pattern the entire time and I still don't know why everyone liked it: Tom is busy. Tom goes insane. Tom gets remorseful. Tom discovers something. Tom gets busy. Tom goes insane. Over and over and over for two hours. Sprinkle it with nauseating voice-over, a worthless character in Cuba Gooding Jr. (he won an Oscar for that shit?), a "cute" kid, the complete lack of a true message, and an over-the-top love story.

"You had me at hello"? Huh? Didn't she break up with him because their marriage was a sham and she didn't want to fake it anymore and all he says is "Hello" and gets her back? What the fuck is that? I could have saved myself from so many heartaches and break ups if I just marched back into an ex's apartment and said, "Hello" instead of, "Is it cool if I get my DVD's and that pair of boxers I threw behind your couch?"

"Show me the loaded hand gun! And lipstick."

I even got up and did my dishes, sat back down and missed nothing in the story. We're talking like a 30-minute gap here. On top of all of this garbage THERE WAS NOT A SINGLE HOT CHICK in this movie. This movie is about a rich and famous sports agent that spirals out of control and money-grubbing egotistical NFL football player and yet not a single trip to the strip club. No groupies? No back-sliding with one of his ex-lovers? What the fuck Cameron Crowe? Seriously? You wrote Fast Times at Ridgemont High AND Almost Famous, so don't act like you don't know.

Rene Zellweger

Sure, Rene Zellweger has her moments, but half the time she was either crying or acting stoned out of her mind. How convenient for her to be able to use both of her acting styles in one character.

Kelly Preston

Gross. Old back then, even older now. And white. (And married to this Scientologist my-son-doesn't-have-Autism douche.--ed.)

Bonnie Hunt

(From Jim Hill Media)

Sweet Jesus. Make up is spelled m-a-k-e-u-p. Stop by that trailer next time. Also white. (And hideous. In case anyone missed that.--ed.)

Regina King

Finally, a break from the Wonder Bread trio. And yet, nothing going for her either. She was probably my favorite character in the movie because she smacked the shit out of the annoying younger brother, though half the time she was stuck to Cuba Gooding's tonsils. I even think she kicked him, too.

That's it. Jay Mohr with his soft feminine features was probably the hottest chick in this movie. To be honest, I don't watch movies just for the chicks. I count them as a bonus, but when a movie sucks balls and doesn't give me eye candy to at least look at it - that sir, is unacceptable.

If you haven't seen this movie, and I'm probably talking to six people total in the world - don't.

Hollywood Hates You - Paris Hilton's Prison Diary (Days 3-7)

In part two of his Hollywood Hates You exclusive, Lord Farceface brings you Days 3-7 of the Paris Hilton Prison Experience.

Day 3 (Thursday, June 7th)

9:42 AM

I was super-pissed this morning when they woke me up, but I finally have some good news. It looks like my parents payed their Jew to get me out! This is so hot. They told me that I have to go to this, like, Sheriff's house and blow him, though. I wonder if he'll wear his little badge? That'd be hot.

11:22 AM

Free at last, free at last, sweet ass-fucking Jesus, I'm free at last. This is great. The sheriff told me that I have to spend the next few days at home, which is, like, totally cruel. We've hit some hard times lately and had to let one of the chefs go. How the fuck am I supposed to get by with four gourmet cooks?! And only two of them are on call 24 hours a day! This is so fucking lame.

But all the harsh times I endured really make me think, you know? I think I'm going to, like, stop acting all stupid and shit for the cameras and the guys I fuck in bathroom stalls. I've always been afraid to show my true intelligence, because, like, there's something called a "double standard," which says women can't be smart because it threatens men. They named it after this waitress at the Standard Hotel, who was, like, super-smart, but only got ahead by fucking all these really hot guys. And that's fun and all, but that's something poor people do. Poor people fuck hot guys to get ahead; rich people fuck hot guys because they want to. So true.

3:45 AM

I'm totally wasted right now ... Ketel One is so much better than that God-awful prison wine Gerta made in the shitter. I wonder if there's anyone around I could fuck? That bedpost is looking sooooo hot right now ...

Day 4 (Friday, June 8th)

1:36 PM

I'm so hung over. Prison is rough. I'm going to order some cupcakes from, like, this totally hot bakery on Melrose. They have such a hot delivery guy; I jerked him off on the side of my house once. It was super-hot. Plus, he smelled like frosting. God, why does my ass hurt so much?

4:45 PM

God. My mom's law guy is saying that there's some kind of problem with my early release. People are all super-jealous of how I got out of jail. First of all, they're just jealous because I'm rich and everyone else is super-poor. God, I'll bet they smell, too. Second of all, I have a disease called "psychology," which means that prison is bad for me. I'm so super-lucky.

6:40 PM

CHRIST, this is such a pain. They want me to wake up early tomorrow so I can talk to the judge and shit about my psychology disease. They don't need to examine me or anything like with the other diseases I've had, so I can do it over the phone. That part's kind of hot. Like, phone-sex and shit. Whatev, I'm kind of buzzed right now.

Day 6 (Saturday, June 9th)

10:45 AM
This is soooooo lame. The judge said I could do it over the phone and stuff, and I was like, all ready to do different voices and shit, which would have been totally funny. Plus it showcases my, like, range as an actor. But now they're saying I have to get out of bed and go to court. That's so gay. Plus Aaron Carter is here and that little weasly fuck always takes my weed when I'm not around. God, what-the-fuck-ev.

11:23 AM

They're picking me up in a cop car?! GOD, that's so gross! I'll bet there were prostitutes in the back of it! And it doesn't even have a CD player! God! I can't wait to get back here and order more cupcakes.

3:35 PM

MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!! It's not right!! THIS ISN'T RIGHT!!

MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMM!!!

7:40 PM

MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!! MOMMY!!!

MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!! GET ME OUT OF HERE!!! I'M RICH FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Day 7 (Sunday, June 10th)

9:11 AM

This is sooooooo ... what was I saying? I'm not really sure ... they gave me some Valium to calm me down, which kinda reminds me of this club I went to in Abiza ... fuuuuuuck. Prison is soooooooo weird ... I need to lie down.

TV Dinners - Heroes

So, I owe an apology to both my cohorts here at the LLFD as well as all our loyal readers (reader?). I haven't been bringing the fire lately. For that I apologize. Getting acclimated to a new (old) city and a new job has been taking up a lot of my time, as well as working 10-hour days, still trying to unpack and breaking my toe (which absolutely sucks more than maybe breaking anything else, cause it has to heal on it's own and you can't even pull the sympathy card). Anyway, I've been throwing up some weak posts (if at all). But I promise, I'm coming back hard. Just not today.

I've decided to go with one of my favorite new shows of the last season, Heroes, though I was actually lukewarm about it by the end of the season. Not that I don't think they came hard, because they did their thing. I guess I just wanted more, and I think I was spoiled by Lost.

Anyway, Heroes is a show full of male cast members, with only a couple of female regulars (albeit hot ones). While going through the IMDB page, however, I noticed they've actually had a lot of females on the show, just not as anything more than semi-regular characters. Jayma Mays' character was killed off in one episode (she made a second appearance, however), though I think she was hotter in the show than she's ever been before in her life, and I might have been that cute southern accent of hers (kills me every time). Stana Katic seems like she's fine but I don't recall ever seeing her in the show (despite being listed as on for two episodes). Jessalyn Gilsig (word to Boston Public) is definitely a sleeper MILF candidate as Claire's actual birth mom. Danielle Savre was killed (her character, that is) and Deidre Quinn faded into the background.

Rena Sofer is actually stunning, and I've had a crush on her since her days on "Ed" (cue sleeper Plus-37 MILF music), but she doesn't get enough face time on the show to merit a focus here. Nicole Bilderback is hot, but only gets a mention because of The Minority Reporter.

Now onto our main ladies. Ali Larter is, well, Ali Larter. No explanation needed (though who woulda thought Amy Smart would have passed her in hotness after her unforgettable scene in Varsity Blues? And Hayden Panettiere is, well, everyone's favorite Visionary Thinking Hall of Fame case study. No explanation needed there, either. (I've been plugging her since Remember the Titans, and hard as hell in the last couple years, ever since she started the Neutrogena commercial campaign - before Heroes was even a thought.)

Missy Peregrym
(From Vintage Sleds)

You probably saw this beauty in Stick It(or didn't, because you're a man and men don't watch chick flicks). I've gotta say though, the previews caught my attention. I didn't put two and two together when I saw Peregrym play Candice the shapeshifter in Heroes, but I definitely thought she looked familiar and I definitely thought she looked fine.

This rare Canadian beauty (unless you're our editor friend who thinks all Canadians are fine ... I have a weird thing for girls that say "aboot." Sue me.--ed.) no longer qualifies as an Under-24 Keeper, but no matter - she's worth your TV Actress slot. Her first guest starring role (as "Hottie Blood," ha.--ed.) was in none other than editorial favorite Dark Angel, and since then this soccer lover/player (she's got great legs) has been working her way into the spotlight. I guess if she blows up, I'll go ahead and claim her Visionary status myself. (Granted.--ed.)

In the meantime, let's all just sit in awe.

VTHOF Candidate - The Big Lead

So ever since I went out on a limb and inducted Matt Ufford into the Laminated List Fantasy Draft's Visionary Thinking Hall of Fame for pushing Marisa Miller, he's gone out and proven his worth time and time again (see: Stokke, Allison, though Barstool Sports had a four-day lead, and thusly becomes VTHOF member No. 5 for planting the seeds of Stokke-mania. (Congrats, Barstool; I shall try to be more timely now that this series is established.--ed.)

Then I rashly inducted The Superficial for bringing Alessandra Ambrosio to my attention (though I don't regret that one - she's effing hot) and I was made aware that for this to mean something, I shouldn't just be assigning VTHOF memberships for good potential calls.

Thusly, I've hit upon the following idea: Every time I spot an Internet post calling attention to a new broad - and is saying not just you should know her, but that you should know her NOW - that author owns Visionary rights to that celebrity. In the event that said celebrity explodes and becomes widely accepted LLFD material, that blog/author earns their VTHOF induction. I'll try as best I can to trace back to the source that results in initial exposure. Submissions (and corrections) are welcome, and know that we're going to be doing our best to show and prove here at the LLFD.

I've been backlogged on a few of these posts, so they might not be as timely as they could be, but know that I've tracked them since day one. The first VTHOF candidate in LLFD history is sports blog The Big Lead. The intial candidate they laid claim to (since we've been around) is Film Actress and Socialite Kate Mara.

(From The Big Lead)

Their Campaign (K-ampaign?) for Kate began with their April 16 Roundup, the day after they saw Shooter. They led off with Mara, calling her "a winning cross between Jessica Simpson and a young Julia Roberts." They followed a day later with an e-mail interview with an alleged boyfriend-of-a-friend of the New York Giants' heiress (TBL reader Slickbomb). Perhaps Sports Illustrated's Richard Deitsch beat The Big Lead to the punch, but who likes rooting for the overdog besides Yankee fans?

(From The Big Lead)

They've since followed with their Wild Wednesday love last week for Athlete Taryne Mowatt (right), a pitcher for Arizona softball. After a quick lead mention early, they followed with a full post three hours later. (Upon further research, it seems Newsday blogger Adam Abramson beat them to this by a few days, though Abramson's follow story appeared after TBL's first post. While Mowatt provides good supplementary evidence for TBL's VTHOF candidacy, she would have to become the next Jennie Finch to boost Abramson into the Hall, which doesn't seem so likely.--ed.)

Additionally, The Big Lead has attempted to break Abigail Clancy and Rebecca Loos. So for their repeated efforts to break celebrity females into the bigs, The Big Lead earns VTHOF candidacy, fronted by Kate Mara's impending ascension. Cheers, fellas.

Curing Yellow Fever

So the Puerto Rican Day Parade was here in NYC this weekend, which made me ask: How many rapes/molestations occurred on Sunday? ... Oh, was that not funny? (Debatable. Unless you're Sarah Silverman. Then rape is hilarious.--ed.)

(From Slantpoint)

It also reminded me that New Yorkers have an enormous collective hard-on for parades.

Personally, I think parades (that is unless stock ticker tape is falling from the sky) are absurd, and inherently gay. I mean, who "parades" anyway?

Aside from, ironically enough, the Village Halloween Parade, I cannot remember ever actually being entertained by a parade. And even then you just go to check out the insane costumes people pull out ... that and to ogle skanked-out women.

In any normal town, you have your Memorial Day Parade, Thanksgiving Day Parade, and, maybe, a 4th of July Parade.

So I did some research (a.k.a. a Google search) to find out just how many times a year this city closes down a main street to let people prance around for no good reason.

Here, in addition to those listed above, we have (if you've gotta to piss, do it now, this will take a while):

The Salute to Israel Parade, the Cuban Day Parade, the Bronx Latinos Unidos Parade, the Turkish American Parade, the Haitian Flag Day Parade, the Philippine Independence Day Parade, the Hare Krishna Parade, the Coney Island Mermaid Parade, the Heritage of Pride Parade (Gay Pride) Day Parade, the Christian Youth Parade, the India Independence Day Parade, the Dominican Day Parade, the Pakistan Independence Day Parade, the Steuben Day Parade, the Muslim Day Parade, the Mexican Day Parade, the African American Day Parade, the Columbus Day Parade, the Hispanic Day Parade, the Nigerian Parade, West Indian American Day Carnival Parade, the Pulaski Day Parade, the Korean Harvest Day Parade, the New York is Book Country Children's Parade, Veteran's Day Parade, Labor Day Parade, the Three Kings Day Parade, the Chinese New Year Parade, the Toys R Us Holiday Parade, the Lunar Year Parade, the Bronx and Brooklyn Puerto Rican Day Parade, the Presidents Day Parade, the Phagwah Parade, the Greek Independence Day Parade, the St. Patty's Day Parade, the April Fool's Day Parade*, and, finally, the Sikh Cultural Society Parade.

(From A Brooklyn Life)

I mean, come on, a motherfucking MERMAID PARADE! Really?

When is the Balding 25-Year-Old WASP From Michigan Day Parade?

... Actually I hear that Mermaid Parade is pretty sweet and I'm pissed I will not be in NYC on June 23. (I was about to say - that Parade is grrreat.--ed.)

Getting back to Puerto Rican Day and the reason for this post:

(From Univision)

With The Minority Reporter surely preoccupied with this year's Miss Universe (aka my second-round pick ... Muahaha) let's not forget '06 winner Zuleika Rivera (see above and beginning of post).

If she was in New York this past weekend to help celebrate, let's just hope she had some huge-ass body guards.

*pretty sure the April Fool's Day Parade does not exist, for obvious reasons

Where You At?

So, for over a month since moving back home for summer break (ain't college great?) I have been having restless nights. I think it's the mattress. And if TV has taught me anything- I need to have the Craftmatic, Tempur-pedic, Sleep Number System with a heavy dose of Lunesta. So I am starting a campaign right here on the LLFD. Please, send in your money/comments to support my parents' throwing money toward a fruitless effort to please their son and fix his sleep habits. Should the campaign succeed, I vow to stalk at least one celebrity on my Laminated List to the point of psuedo-celebrity status (Most Outrageous Stalkers - premiering this Fall on VH1!). AND as an added bonus, at my restraining order trial, I promise to make at least THREE shameless plugs for the LLFD!

Restless nights = earlier mornings (Did you know that 4 o'clock occurs TWICE in ONE day???) Earlier mornings = more crap TV. More crap TV = my next LLFD column.

Browsing channels, I came upon a show I had been avoiding for some time now: The Last Days of Left Eye on VH1. Knowing VH1, I anticipated the usual crappy throwback discussion featuring the overrated analyses of today's top D-list celebrities. But, having nothing to do until work in the evening, I gave it a chance... and it blew my fucking mind.


The Last Days of Left Eye is a completely unique documentary, in that it documents Left Eye's last days from her own point of view. In the 27 days before her death, Lopes went on a soul-searching mission in Honduras, and was taping her revelations and transformations. At the risk of sounding above this Web site: she was truly a beautiful person inside and out (Pft. Gay.--ed.) The eeriness of witnessing someone redeem themselves right before a tragic death is creepier than watching The Ring, at night, alone, for the first time. And this is real. She seemed to predict the events laid out before her, and it really, to reiterate, blows your mind. So, in tribute, I dedicate this week's Where You At? to her memory.


Lisa Lopes was prolly my first crush growin' up. Always being the hot girl of the group, I remember my bro, babysitter, and I all tryin' to call dibs when watching the Creep video. (Haha. Yeah we did.--ed.) And that was years before there existed any concept of a laminated list for securing such matters. Keep in mind that "Creep" is the one where you get T-Boz's nipple slip, yet our eyes still didn't wander. Left Eye needs to get her posthumous shout-out, because clearly - had she been around - the Musician draft would have found her a spot somewhere.

So, Left Eye, wherever you at- Rest In Peace.