Saturday, June 30, 2007
Friday, June 29, 2007
Tasty Dish
Here's the deal: By the time you're reading this, I've been in Vegas for a few days, ideally with a stripper sitting on my lap. I'm writing this early, and packing at the same time in hopes that I don't miss my flight. So I'm gonna make this short and sweet cause I don't really give a fuck.
Uhmm ... I have no idea who this chick is. After combing through Hell's Kitchen's IMDB page (looking for the name of that Long Island chick with the tiggo's - Melissa--ed. - in hopes that she might have some Antonella Barba-esque pictures up), I came across this name and decided to click it. Well, needless to say, I was impressed. Besides, when you guest star on Entourage and are listed as the "Slamming Hot Girl," you've reached the pinnacle of fine-ness. So, Christina DeRosa, I salute you. And if you blow up I'm adding you to the plaque. If you don't, and you just wanna blow something, I'll be in Vegas until July 1st.
Slay-by-Slay
As if The Minority Reporter doesn't bitch enough about attempting to write about the world of female sports, this current week as been particularly painful for him. Enjoy.
This past week has been a mixed bag for me in the world of sports. Fantasy-wise, it's been fucking great. After winning 11-2 in one league I've bumped myself into playoff contention after a getting burned on too many draft busts in the beginning half of the season (see Atkins, Garrett; see also: Teixeira, Mark, Hafner, Travis and Crawford, Carl). And in my other league, I spanked the crap out of one dude 11-0 and stole first place from Intellectivist. He's been crying like a little bitch ever since and it's glorious. (Good man, Minority. Though I'm still in last.--ed.)
Real life-wise, pretty far from great. The Yankees are giving me grey hairs and I was horrible at softball on Sunday. Thanks to me being poor, I've resorted to borrowing America's High Five's glove each week, though last week I essentially stole it - he was out of town and I grabbed it from his apartment without asking. I did, however, fart on his pillow and place a few "special" hairs on his toothbrush as collateral, so the act of stealing wasn't so bad in comparison. I returned the glove, but he can keep the hairs, because I'm a nice guy like that.
Anyways AH5 was a pitcher in college, though these days he catches for the Chelsea Man Ball league (gay joke alert), and thus I'm using his tiny-ass pitcher glove for softball. This thing is smaller than the fucking ball and honestly, I can catch better with my bare hands. So I was terrible at fielding and even worse at hitting. Even though the glove had nothing to do with my swing I'm still blaming it.
On top of that we were playing douche bags from University of Michigan B-School who were arguing Safe/Out calls with us in the eighth inning - when they were up 12 runs. I'm talking shit when the dude calls himself out, only to be yelled at by the manager, who claims he was safe because of some force out/tag out crazy exception rule that only occurs when six planets align, the center fielder scratches himself with his right index finger, and the third baseman is black. Bullshit. It's co-ed softball on Sunday afternoon in Central Park. If you want to be a stickler for the rules, take a fucking steroid and go manage a little league team. If there's anyone from that team reading this, FUCK YOU. And when I said "Good game," I was lying. Right through the teeth.
Speaking of steroids, after groaning out loud for a solid 20 minutes at work I began the horrid task of bringing you people hot female athletes, I logged on to the Women's Tennis Association and began scanning the rankings for any new player not named Anna or Maria. I looked down and saw "Li Na" and my eyes perked a little. I clicked the link and found this picture. Warning, you might physically die.
Li Na
HULK SMASH. I think her arms are as big as my goddamn head. I literally began crying when I saw this pic. Why did I agree to this horrible job? Why?Note to self: Never play Li Na in tennis. Or piss her off at a bar. So after that experiment ended in tears I went to ESPN and actually clicked on the WNBA link. I spent 10 minutes trying to find player bio pictures, which they have for every other sport, only to realize they don't have player bio pictures. Then I printed out a picture of The Brooklyn Boy giving a high five to that schmuck who tried to sue the Korean Dry Cleaners for $54 million and attached it to a dart board. That kept me occupied for three solid days. (That guy is my boy. And by "my boy" I mean "a complete fucking douchebag, whom I've never met."--ed.)
Then I gave up and now I'm here writing this article. So instead I'm just going to show another picture of (newly christened LLFD favorite) Megan Fox, because why the fuck not:
Megan Fox
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Hollywood Hates You - Aspects of the Donkey's Ass
What's the only thing the Hollywood establishment wants more than an actual, honest-to-God, License to Kill? Why, to control American politics, of course! That's why, as we get closer to every election year, stars and studio heads, using all the tact and subtlety in the world (see: Sarandon, Susan; Penn, Sean; O'Donnell, Rosie), attempt to remind the rest of the country that because they are rich and famous, they therefore know more than us and will proceed to tell us how to think.
Only this year, there's somewhat of a dilemma. See, some of Hollywood is torn between Barack Obama (liberal) and Hilary Clinton (liberal). In fact, 2/3 of Dreamworks' founders (Jeffery Katzenberg and David Geffen, the "K.G." of "Dreamworks S.K.G." ... before it was gobbled up by a hungry Paramount) have thrown their support to Barack Obama. But the remaining 1/3, a rogue indie filmmaker by the name of Stephen Spielberg, has pledged his support to Mrs. Clinton. It's practically civil war! It's star vs. star! Producer vs. producer! Bloviating, ultra-powerful jackass with zero regard for anyone but himself vs. Bloviating ultra-powerful jackass with zero regard for anyone but himself!
Fortunately, Hollywood Hates You is here to help you decide which of these groups you should let control your life by providing a breakdown of each candidate.
Barack Obama
Barack Obama, whom some of you might have heard of, is the junior Senator from Illinois. That's pretty much all I've got on the guy, since apparently he's 24 years-old and has only been in politics since he got out of college roughly three years ago. He's being called "Kennedy-esque," which means ... hmm. Hold on. According to this, "Kennedy-esque" used to mean "inspiring leader, great speaker, and die-hard idealist." Shit, I've been misusing that word for about six years now. I thought it meant you could drink all night and day and still hold down a decent job; like the Top 2 percent of all functional alcoholics.
Well, anyway, Obama's biggest asset is that he hasn't been involved with the government for too long, which is both good and bad. Good because he doesn't have the stench of evil on him that most politicians wear like a fine cologne. Bad because, well ... that stench of evil thing is pretty much going to part of the job, if elected.
Oh, and he's black, too. Just ... putting it out there. I've got no problem with it, and I'm sure you don't either ... but, you know, in case anyone does, there it is.
Hilary Clinton
Oh, snap, America, you know what's up! Hil-Dog's BACK! When last we heard from Mrs. Clinton, her husband was cheating on her with some fat broad. Well, as it turns out, in the mean time, she got herself elected as a Senator for New York ... wait, that can't be right. Isn't she from Arkansas? (Illinois, actually.--ed.) Well, whatever. Because her last name is Clinton, Hollywood automatically loves her. Her reputation as a cold, calculating, mercenary also strikes many chords within the entertainment industry.
You know who really wins if she's elected? America.
No, wait. No. Oh, God. No, no. Fuck no. I mean Bill Clinton. He gets to go back to the White House, which I hear is pretty nice, only this time he doesn't have to do shit. Lucky bastard.
Oh, and she's a woman, too. Just ... putting it out there. I've got no problem with it, and I'm sure you don't either ... but, you know, in case anyone does, there it is.
Fred Dalton Thompson
Though he's a conservative, and therefore the sworn blood-enemy of the Hollywood establishment, Thompson is also an actor, best known for his role as D.A. Arthur Branch on Law & Order. He was also in Die Hard 2: Die Harder. That's really all that needs to be said about him.
So there you have it, America. Go forth and be informed, so that when Hollywood starts telling you what to think, you'll be prepared to nod your head enthusasitically and actually know what they're talking about.
Oh, apparently I'm supposed to talk about hot women in this blog, too. Umm, I don't know ... ... Aha! Transformers' Megan Fox. She's hot:
(From FHM)
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Where You At?
In an unprecedented move, I, The Loveseat, actually had my topic for this Where You At? merely days after my previous post. However, in a thoroughly precedented move, I have spent the two weeks since "almost about to write" my article. In fact, one week ago I wrote and saved the following to our blog edit board:
"What's better than a dysfunctional family? A dysfunctional family with an incredibly hot daughter. And apparently each blah blah blah... im lazy and not writing any more for the next 5 hours at least."So after five hours, and seven days, here I am beginning to write again (although work begins in an hour so I may not finish). I must say though, that my time off has been time well spent. I have learned that my favorite draft pick lives in my friend's apartment building. I'm getting women thrown at me from ex-jobs. And I topped it all off with a trip to the Mermaid Parade in Coney Island. (I would like to reassure America's High Five and say it is indeed sweet.) Women wearing nothing but a thong and pasties is no longer just for the strip clubs -it is now a family event, thanks to the fine folks at Coney Island, USA. Oh, and word up to Astroland! Everybody needs to get there before it gets shut down by The Man.
OK ...
Years ago, Fox realized it had something when they put the anti-sitcom family on tv. The Bundys made good TV. And, let's not kid ourselves- it was all because of this lady right here:
Christina Applegate
I would say having to wait out the three minutes while everyone catcalled when she stepped on stage began to get old, but really it just added more staring time. And thank the lord the other networks noticed Kelly's success. In just a matter of years we had the WB puttin' out the exact same concept (albeit there was a talking bunny and the kid from Malcom in the Middle and the guy from Entourage). But the true breakout star of Unhappily Ever After was this stunning redhead (all you, senor editor):
Nikki Cox
And these girls didn't stop the internetwork catfight after each of their respective shows got the can: Applegate had her own two-season sitcom, Jesse. Cox had her own two-season sitcom, Nikki.
But the real question is "Where You At?"
We all know that Ms. Veronica Corningstone has achieved Film eligibility to go with her TV status, but little known is her brief Broadway appearance, which means she might end up on the stage once again, and you could have a Stage Actress sneak attack waiting in the wings.
As for Ms. Cox (hehe ... Cox) although she may have poor taste in men (Bobcat Goldthwait and the girlishly handsome Jay Mohr, whom she married) she is still incredibly racked and sexy. Pick her up for your TV slot if you find yourself struggling late in the draft. And don't worry about Jay, cuz if he in any way intimidates you, you will be removed from all future drafts and Lorena Bobbitt will be called in to finish the operation.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Mock LLFD - Socialite/Stage Actresses (Roundup)
"Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional."
--M. Kathleen Casey
Final Thoughts
Good God was this awful. Seriously. The rest of the guys aren't aware, but I didn't even think about setting up a draft this week, just so we'd have some time to recover. This was work. I'm citing lack of motivation to research as the reason Idina Menzel, Audra McDonald, Tamyra Gray and Heather Headley went undrafted. (Word to Intell for that list.) Also, I totally dropped the ball on inciting a riot and/or comment-crazy firestorm by forgetting to draft Barbara Bush.
I'm giving the nod here to The Minority Reporter, basically because he had the first pick and didn't fuck up the next two. Intell was sunk because of the tepid reaction to his second-rounder. (Do we notice I'm not using names? That's because none of them matter.) Farceface picked a pretty nice pair of broads. The Loveseat, who sat this one out, had the right idea - he told me, "I'm not doing this, but if I was, the only one I'd want is Ivanka Trump."
Lessons Learned
There are only four names to remember: Trump, Kim Kardashian, Kristen Chenoweth and Tinsley Mortimer. Anything else gets you laughed out of the draft room. These are good sleeper picks if you get stiffed early on. But remember - the run, if there is one, is going to be reeeal short.
Check out Round 1, Round 2 or Round 3
Mock LLFD - Socialite/Stage Actresses (Round 3)
- Stephanie Bast (The Minority Reporter)
- Jenn Gambatese (Intellectivist)
- H.R.H. Madeleine Thérèse Amelie Josephine, Princess of Sweden, Duchess of Hälsingland and Gästrikland (One-Shot)
- PASS (Lord Farceface)
- Deborah Gibson (The Brooklyn Boy)
- MUNCHIES (Rico)
- Harvey Fierstein /Marie Crown Princess of Denmark (Missing Man)
- Lauren Kennedy (America's High Five)
On Second Thought: Considering the pool, this round was actually kind of intriguing.
Summary: Minority dipped into his own well, Intell redeemed himself and One-shot drafted a name that when typed, is longer than the average American penis. Farceface couldn't bring himself to draft a third pick, I forgot my master plan to draft Barbara Bush in Round 3, Rico got the munchies and Missing Man picked Paris Hilton before leaving the draft. The latter was hilarious because she went last round. We penalized him with Harvey Fierstein before I took mercy upon him and offered the chance to make an actual pick. Though had he not gotten back in touch, it woulda been all Harvey. Solid pick to close by High Five.
Commentary Highlights
Farceface, losing steam:
Lord Farceface: God, I don't really want to fuck any of these girls.High Five, getting creative:
LFF: I just want to marry them, kill them, and inherit their money.
The Brooklyn Boy: that movie (in reverse) was called Heartbreakers
TBB: it featured jlh's love puppies
America's High Five: hey, do the Broadway actresses need to be active?Me and Intell, debating Cate Blanchett's eligibility:
Lord Farceface: Yeah.
AH5: damn
AH5: cause I was going to pick Brooklyn's mom
The Brooklyn Boy: hahahahaha
TBB: doesn't count - she was a GM behind the scenes
Intellectivist: huh?
INT: wait
INT: explain
The Brooklyn Boy: she was in Hedda Gabbler at BAM last spring, most notably
INT: BAM?
INT: that shit doesn't count
INT: come on
INT: i'm sure Alba did a play in high school
TBB: wow
TBB: you realize BAM and lincoln center are on level, right?
INT: last spring was over a year ago
INT: she's not still in it
INT: sorry
Lord Farceface: Those aren't words either.
LFF: Heda Gabbler? BAM?
LFF: QUIT MAKING SHIT UP!
INT: VETO
INT: VETO
INT: she's not still in it
INT: she's not known for being a stage actress
INT: ergo
INT: VETO
TBB: Check her wikipedia.
INT: so what
The Minority Reporter: what the fuck is going on
America's High Five: seriously, starving here people
INT: she's not KNOWN for being a stage actress
INT: your rules
INT: VETO
TBB: fine fine fine
TBB: Deborah Gibson
Mock LLFD - Socialite/Stage Actresses (Round 2)
- Nicky Hilton (America's High Five)
- Amanda Hearst (Missing Man)
- Paris Hilton (Rico)
- Sherie Rene Scott (The Brooklyn Boy)
- Jessica Joffe (Lord Farceface)
- Maria Consuelo Araujo (One-Shot)
- Anneliese Van Der Pol (Intellectivist)
- Cecilia Cara (The Minority Reporter)
On Second Thought: No, really - I think I just puked a little.
Summary: After a rousing debate on whether Anna Benson counted as a Socialite, High Five settled on a Hilton heiress, forcing Rico to jump on the grenade two picks later. We all knew it was coming. I can't lie, I considered the option. I mean, there's some solid cachet in that ... (NOTE: Let's all pretend "cachet" is pronounced "venereal disease.") Joffe and Cara were the (only?) two winners selected this round.
Commentary Highlights
On Anna Benson's eligibility:
Missing Man: I'm going to have to say no, slut does not count as SocialiteMissing Man, finally beaten into submission by yet another moment of brilliance:
The Minority Reporter: um, see Hilton, Paris
Missing Man: Yo, Sherie Rene Scott was great man, pornstar/broadway star, well doneIntell, throwing up a rare brick:
The Brooklyn Boy: Sherie Rene Scott did porn?
MM: Debbie Does Dallas
TBB: uh ... she did the off broadway one
Intellectivist: HAHAHAHAHA
INT: MM, you fuckhead
MM: Hey man, the wikipedia article linked that shit to her
MM: I just read it
TBB: it's in the "offbroadway" section of the bio!
INT: it's okay - MM can't read
MM: Eh, whatever - what other stupid shit can I throw out there today?
Lord Farceface: ... they made Debbie Does Dallas into a stage show?
TBB: yeah man ... off broadway is rugged like that
LFF: I always thought it was pretty hard to sing with some dude's dick jammed down your throat?
LFF: MM, am I right?
LFF: BURN!
TBB: wow
TBB: wow
LFF: Thank you. Thank you. It's why I'm here.
Intellectivist: http://www.hicelebs.com/gallery/anneliese_van_der_pol/8.htmlAn exchange that sums things up:
INT: side boobage
INT: Visionary Thinking what
Lord Farceface: Jesus, that's some intense side-boob.
The Minority Reporter: i dont want to visionary think about her
TMR: she looks like a boar
America's High Five: she's hideous
TMR: Intell, are you drunk?
INT: first of all, bad picture of her face
INT: it's only for the side boob
The Brooklyn Boy: i'd say it's some impressive side boob
AH5: it's a lot of side boob ... but not a very good side bob
INT: not very good side boob?
AH5: you can tell those things sag all to hell
INT: this from the dude who posted a crackhead as his article a couple weeks ago?
INT: your opinion is nullified
AH5: who is a crackhead?
TMR: apparently you
TMR: crack head
AH5: identify yourself so I know who's pillow to piss all over!
The Brooklyn Boy: One-shot chooses Colombian minister of foreign affairs Maria Consuelo Araujo
TBB: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mar%C3%ADa_Consuelo_Ara%C3%BAjo
TBB: it's on Minority to close round two
Lord Farceface: Holy shit, I thought you were joking, Brooklyn.
LFF: I thought you were making fun of One-shot. Like, "Oh, and One-shot takes the Senior High Countess Regina H. P. M. Courthsmouler, Dutchess of Hornburger."
The Minority Reporter: i hate this draft
Mock LLFD - Socialite/Stage Actresses (Round 1)
The Socialite and Stage Actress mock was one most of us were looking at like a chore. Reason being that there's maybe FOUR of these ladies who would crack an all-category list, and that's only because I love me some Tinsley Mortimer. (Other three: Ivanka Trump, Kim Kardashian and Kristen Chenoweth; the quartet was off the board by No. 5.) However, because we're claiming to be experts and the one-stop source for all things LLFD, it's our J-O-B to bite the bullet and provide you with info on all the broads you're not going to be drafting. Rico must have loved joining up just in time for this bad boy. Ugh.
So we did it, somehow managing to squeeze more than two rounds of picks out of this one while identifying a consensus No. 1:
Ivanka Trump
(From Hadeseh)
- Ivanka Trump (The Minority Reporter)
- Kristen Chenoweth (Intellectivist)
- Yulia Tymoshenko (One-Shot)
- Kim Kardashian (Lord Farceface)
- Tinsley Mortimer (The Brooklyn Boy)
- Karmine Alers (Rico)
- Charlotte Casiraghi (Missing Man)
- Kate Middleton (America's High Five)
On Second Thought: Surprising quality from Round 1 ... but what happens in Round 2?
Summary: While Intellectivist will vehemently argue for Chenoweth, quite possibly to the death, the No. 1 slot was between Trump and Kardashian, with the nod going to Trump for being a classy broad. And worth more than my life. Chenoweth - who you'd be wise to keep in your Plus-37 MILF coffers - slots ahead of Mortimer, who's the NY social scene's queen bee. Alers was a good first pick by Rico, who had clearly done some research. Middleton was a surprise, though not as much as Missing Man actually making a decent first-round pick. Whoa.
Commentary Highlights
On the No. 1:
Missing Man: Oh niceOn Yulia Tymoshenko:
The Minority Reporter: hot and loaded
TMR: done and done
The Brooklyn Boy: yeah man ... nice pick
Lord Farceface: Yeah, but you'd be doing someone who shares genetic material with The Donald.
TMR: well, unlike you, i dont think of a chicks dad when i'm fucking them
Missing Man: Dude, horrible lookingOn Kim Kardashian:
The Minority Reporter: she looks like an elf
Lord Farceface: She's a little Aryian motherfucker, ain't she?
LFF: Master Race Sex has to be ridiculous.
Lord Farceface: Fun Fact: Her dad helped get O.J. off.Farceface, drinking the haterade:
LFF: Not get him off, like, you know, I want her to get me off.
The Minority Reporter: could come in handy the next time you murder your exwife and her boy toy
The Brooklyn Boy: well that and tight gloves
LFF: Exactly.
LFF: Donald may have all the money, but that money's useless if you're rotting in jail for cutting your ex's head off just because she WOULDN'T FUCKING LISTEN.
TBB: yeah, man ... the two black eyes is telling her twice
TBB: death is just the next step up
TBB: also, her ass is the size of my face
The Brooklyn Boy: aight ... this was a given, but I'm going with Tinsley MortimerHow to mess up a draft, Way No. 432:
Lord Farceface: That is the stupidest fucking name I've ever heard.
LFF: Neither one of those words is a name.
Missing Man: Do I get 2 here on the end?On the super fun time that was this draft:
The Brooklyn Boy: nah - High Five is minutes away
TBB: one now, then we'll have a slight pause
MM: Ok, Charlotte Princess of Monaco
TBB: oooh ... One-shot's gonna kill a bitch
MM: And to start the 2nd round, Amanda Hearst
TBB: dude ... did you miss the part where I said, no, High Five is coming?
MM: oh, I thought you said pick, and we'll have a slight pause
TBB: yeah ... pick ONCE
The Minority Reporter: hahahah
TMR: nice work, MM
MM: typical
TMR: no chone figgins?
TBB: evidently not
TBB: michael young's still on the board
MM: Brooklyn, you weren't even around for that draft
TBB: yeah - i was ... that was last year
TBB: when i finished first in the regular season ...
TMR: hahahahaha
TMR: hahahaha
TMR: hahaha
Lord Farceface: Hahahahahah!
TMR: MM, please
TMR: put down the bong
TMR: for 2 minutes
America's High Five: who the fuck knows stage actors?
The Brooklyn Boy: haha ... me and Intell, for two
The Minority Reporter: you should rephrase your question to who has penises and knows stage actors
AH5: haha ... true
TBB: High Five: http://www.broadwayworld.com/bios/vocation2.cfm?vocation=2
TMR: yeah, see, that links LOOKS good
TMR: but i spent like an hour at work
TMR: and found two hot chicks
TMR: TWO
TMR: i could have been designing stairwells
TMR: making a difference in the world
TMR: but no
TMR: i found TWO hot ones
AH5: alright
AH5: who is that one chick that writes for one of the new york papers
AH5: blonde
TBB: Selena Roberts?
TBB: journalism captain of the Reggie Cleveland All stars?
AH5: dude, this draft fucking sucks
Monday, June 25, 2007
Socialite/Stage Actress Mock Results! (... Soon)
The Mock Draft you all (haven't) been waiting two weeks for will run tomorrow, because I'm an idiot and forgot to email myself the commentary. To keep you occupied, here's another photo of LLFD favorite Gal Gadot:
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