Tasty Dish

The Minority Reporter mentioned to me the other day that I had forgotten to organize and post the LLFD's first annual Top 100 list when I said I was going to do it (the end of June). However, there was no forgetting. It just so happens that with little involvement from the LLFD elite, (He refers to everyone except me, Minority and The Loveseat--ed.) and not enough personal time on my hands to be able to fill in the spots I'm lacking, I haven't had the opportunity to really sit down and do it. Why do I bring this up (other than the fact that I like to point out my own shortcomings)? I'm doing an open call to our loyal LLFD readers.

I'm asking all (five?) of you to create lists (anyone who wants to get involved) of your Top 25 females (sorry ladies, this one's for the dudes, get at The Queen E about your list) based on their LLFD draft potential. That last part is a big one. It's not just the Top 25 hottest chicks you can think of - they have to have some type of correlation to the LLFD. Don't put a girl No. 1 on your list if you won't draft her No. 1 overall. You can add sleepers you would draft in later rounds, but you have to think they're worthwhile from an LLFD perspective (think: success score). Your list should include the names, a sentence or two about why the person is deserving, and ideally a picture (or link). You can e-mail completed Top 25s to laminatedlist@gmail.com.

In the spirit of making lists, I figured I would share with you all Intellectivist's Top 5 Cities in America You Never Wanna Live In (in no particular order):

1. Baltimore
2. Cincinnati
3. Kansas City
4. Detroit
5. All of Texas (couldn't discriminate between cities, they all just suck. Except Austin - National Poetry Slam 2007. Holla!)

I bring this up for one reason and one reason only. All of a sudden, Tyler, Texas is looking to remove itself from this list. How is it doing it? By hiring this lovely lady to be it's new anchorwoman:

Lauren Jones

(More at Lauren Jones Fansite)

The star of FOX's new scripted/reality comedy, entitled (what else?) "Anchorwoman," this buxom, former WWE Diva,now qualifies not only for your TV Personality slot, but also TV Actress. She's already got her Model eligibility from being named "America's Sexiest Bikini Model," so it's looking like we've got a triple threat on our hands.

Of course, this beauty's 15 minutes of fame won't make her much of a VT candidate, but keep on the lookout, because she claims that she has a huge respect for the work involved in anchoring the news, and plans to continue it after the show. "They didn't hire me because of my looks," says Jones (via the Daily News). "They hired me because I brought a certain skill set to the table."

(By my count that would be two particular skill sets).

According to Jones, when she told them she had a "double major, [their] eyes lit up." Mine would have also, guys ... mine would have also.

I guess I'll be moving to Texas.

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Sexy Dead People

LITERALLY

Brandon Lee

Bruce Lee could have had this category to himself. He was exceptionally good-looking and one bad-ass mofo. Then he spawned an even more beautiful creature - Brandon. Brandon’s mother, Linda Emery, is of English and Swedish descent and as we know, half-Asian people are ridiculously hot. Word to The Minority Reporter. I LOVE Asians. Actually, I’m an equal opportunist. Everyone should taste the rainbow, if you know what I mean.

Moving along ...

I don’t think Brandon would have made it as big as his legendary father. His martial arts skills were good but his movies were kind of lame - until his breakthrough role in The Crow, which is one of my favorite movies and (unfortunately) where Brandon met his fate. If you don’t already know, Brandon Lee died on the set of The Crow at the age of 28, due to a shooting accident while filming the murder scene of his character, Eric Draven. It was completely tragic and the world will never know how much greater this man could have been. I miss him … *tear*

Thank you, Brandon Lee. RIP.

Sidenote: Check out these other sexy half Asians.

Amerie

Tyson Beckford


Vanessa Minnillo


Dean Cain

(More at Mixed Asians)

FIGURATIVELY

Meg Ryan

Mad TV’s Nicole Sullivan, who is hilarious just in case you didn’t know, has parodied Meg Ryan numerous times. She would put on a short, curly, blonde wig, scrunch her nose and say things like “I’m just so cute.” And it was true. Meg Ryan may not have ever been crazy gorgeous or extremely sexy but she certainly was do-able especially because she has an O.K. set of DSLs. She proved this during her infamous orgasm impression with Billy Crystal in When Harry met Sally. (Sorry for the shitty quality of this video but you’ll get the point.)

At the end of this decent climactic performance, a patron of the restaurant delivers a well known one-liner, “I’ll have what she’s having.” Well honey, if you want what Meg's having then you better call a plastic surgeon immediately. Let’s take a look at “America’s girl next door” now:

Do you want to move yet? YUCK! This Ryan should have kept that shit private. What is wrong with this woman? If she needed to put her breasts back in their original place, FINE. If she needed a chemical peel, FINE. But have you ever noticed how NO ONE who gets collagen looks like they didn’t get collagen? We all know. One day you have no lips and the next day you have an allergic reaction growing out of your face. The jig is up. Stop. Meg also has that Renee Zellweger, I just sucked a lemon thing going on. Not attractive.

Thanks for the good years, Meg. RIP.

Sidenote: Meg Ryan looked an awful lot like The Brooklyn Boy's gay- err, I mean ... Musician favorite, Avril Lavigne. I'm sorry - but not really. Meg Ryan went to NYU and majored in journalism ... weird. Is this what you have to look forward to? (No - I didn't go to NYU. Phew.--ed.)

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Hollywood Hates You - LiLo Limited Edition! (... Again)

At approxomately 1:30 AM (Los Angeles local time) on Tuesday, July 24th, Lindsay Lohan was arrested for allegedly engaging in a drunken car chase with her second assistant's mother, who had come to Lohan's house to pick up her daughter after she quit-- or was fired. While being booked, the police found cocaine in her pants.

From deep within the bowels of her celebrity rehab facility, Ms. Lohan recently sent out a series of e-mail missives to various entertainment reporters declaring her innocence. When I replied asking her for a full recounting of the night's events, what follows is her complete, unedited, and 100 percent not-made-up response.*

To: Lord Farceface

From: LiLoLoves2Party21

Subject: The Incident

Thank you for asking me about the night in question. Far too many people in the media have already dismissed my behavior without taking the time to listen to my side of the story. I appreciate your taking the time out of your busy day to hear me out.

The night began with my associates, Sylvia and Theresa, arriving at my domicile at approximately 6:30. We sat around the parlor discussing Wittgenstein over several games of backgammon, all the while savoring a truly decadent bread pudding with rum sauce. Feeling a bit ribald, we decided that tonight would be absolutely delightful for charades and silhouettes by lamplight. Oh, it was such glorious fun while it lasted, it really was!

It was about that time that my (now-former) second assistant Tarin arrived. I could tell she was a bit distracted, perhaps even a bit troubled, that night. You see, I'm very empathic; I've always been very sensitive to other's emotional states. Some say it's a weakness, that I care too much. I say that you can never care too much about those close to you. Never.

I asked her what the matter was and she stunned me by telling me that she'd be taking her leave of my employ. It seems that her wicked mother had betrothed her to a man from outside Thornton in Yorkshire. The poor girl broke down and began weeping, taking the time to bid me adieu et bon chance before running out of my abode!

I would not and could not lose such a valued friend! Sylvia, Theresa, and I all hopped in my wagon and gave chase! Unbeknownst to us, however, Tarin's mother had family connections to the local constables, and had my party detained and searched. I was arrested upon administration of their intoxicant detector, as the bread pudding with rum sauce had created a false positive for their reports. Once taken back to their jail, they further mistook the powdered sugar on my person - also from the bread pudding - for narcotics, and soon invented these ludicrous charges against me.

I suppose I should be upset about what happened to me, but I am truly more worried about Tarin. She's betrothed to a man twice her age; a wicked, horrible man who wants nothing more than to treat her like chattel! It pains me so that I am unable to help her, all as a result of some trifling - yet tempting - bread pudding.

Yours,

L.L.

My response was as follows:

To: LiLoLoves2Party21
From: Lord Farceface

Subject: Re: The Incident

... K sweet. That's pretty cool.

Lord Farceface

I decided to go straight to the horse's mouth, so to speak, and get the full story from her alleged second assistant. What follows is that e-mail, also unedited (and un-made-up.*)

To: Lord Farceface

From: BurnInHellFireCrotchCunt23

Subject: That Coke-Fueled Cum-Dumpster's Arrest

So here's what really went down the night of that bitch's arrest.

She started drinking at about 2 in the afternoon, which is pretty much the usual since she got out of rehab (before that the last time she was sober was July 13, 2004). She was opening bottles of Patron with her (gaping) snatch, drinking about 1/3 of each one, then throwing the rest at my head. She'd then laugh her ass off, do another line and punch her puppy in the the head. That's pretty much every Tuesday.

In between having sex with various inanimate objects around the house, she managed to find time to scream at me to get her SCRAM bracelet. See, that's that retarded little "alcohol monitor" she wears around her leg. She drinks with it on anyway, because no one asked her to wear it, so no one's actually checking it ... that, and no one believes for a second that she's going to stay sober. Oh, and it wasn't even actually a SCRAM bracelet; it was a prop from a 1978 episode of Battlestar Galactica called "The Gun on Ice Planet Zero." She bought it off eBay while she was on - you guessed it - a coke binge.

Eventually I just got tired of working for this jackass, so I told her that I was quitting. At first she was livid; she began throwing drugs and sex toys and guns at me. (She also runs guns for the Chinese; did I mention that?) I secretly called my mom to pick me up, and when she arrived, I bolted out the door and told her to drive.

We thought we were out of the woods, when Lohan - brandishing an assault rifle and drinking a bottle of paint thinner - came screaming after us in her Escalade. Eventually we were forced off the road, but my mom had already called the cops. When the police arrived on scene, Lohan knew she was in trouble. She offered to blow the cops to get out of it, like always, but fortunately her powers don't work on the sober/respectable.

As for the cocaine being found on her person, I'm not surprised. Every piece of clothing she owns is outfitted with a secret pouch to hide blow in. Shit, she's even got a G-String soaked in liquid coke; in a pinch all she has to do is ball it up and suck on it for a while to get a buzz.

Thanks for taking the time to interview me. I hope that bitch gets cancer.

T

So it seems there are two conflicting versions of events and that the truth probably lies somewhere in the middle. That's all fine and good. But the one thing that I think we can all agree on - you, me, Lindsay and her former assistant - is that you should probably wait until you've been out of rehab at least 6 months before you get arrested again, especially if it's for the same thing you did the first time.

Now you know, and knowing is half the battle.

*Except for the made-up parts, which was all of it.

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Who Reads the News? I Do, I Do!

So there's this thing called the sports blogosphere (Blogfrica to the fine folks at the Nation of Islam Sportsblog), and corners of it deal with the proverbial "real talk." (See: NoIS) For me, the unquestioned leader in this arena is The Starting Five, which combines five of the best, brightest and most sharply critical (in the analytical sense, not the pejorative) minds to virtually pen articles.

Sounds heavy for a little Laminated List action, don't it? Well, it is - BUT today's (exceptionally well-reasoned) post re: Barry Bonds revealed some LLFD-worthy info: his mistress/tattletale Kimberly Bell will show up in my October mailbox - on the cover of Playboy. (Sidenote: I went to Jew camp with the kid who wrote that article. This life.)

The leadoff pic is the only one of Bell I can find on the InterWeb, and it's okay that it's not the best - I actually find it kind of hot, because that's how she'll look making breakfast the morning after I laminate my list all over her. The day I snag a broad that looks this good when she clearly rolled out of bed with no sleep is the day I call a chick twice.

I don't even care if Bell's not famous, I'm declaring her eligible. That is all.

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Tasting the Wet Bar

Lily Allen is wildly inappropriate for broadcast television. And also cool as fuck. That was like the time at summer camp when my boy ZG bragged about his glow-in-the-dark third testicle, and we called bullshit on him. He asked if we had a flashlight; someone did. Then he asked us to turn the lights off; someone did. Then he whipped out his junk, held the flashlight behind it, and highlighted an opaque teste "That's No. 1." then another "That's No. 2." and then the Halleluah chorus kicked in as the light shone right through a translucent non-cancerous mass. "There's No. 3." The moral of this story? Jew camp is fucking weird.

(via What Would Tyler Durden Do?)

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Ron Jeremy says don't look at porn until you're 18 years old. It's the good Christian thing to do. There's good symmetry (that's his rule for allowing chicks to feast on the RJ tuber ...) but fuck a Christian - there are gonna be some bored, hormonal MFing 12-year-olds out there. I fear for the lives of the 7th-grade girls if these cats can't get some Playboys. That's like a time-honored tradition - just ask my dad, who's on the record as advising me that Playboy was going to be one of my best friends for the rest of my life ... at 13. Then he signed me up for a $10 subscription last year, reasoning that if he didn't, he'd have failed as a father. My mother disapproves. Males worldwide nominate him for sainthood. See, Ma? You're not always right. Sometimes. Okay, fine - always. Kloveyoubye.

(via Page Six)

Quick Hits

• David Beckham is classy. (The Superficial)
• Posh hates on Paris. (Hollywood Backwash)
• But Sarah Silverman backtracks. (HB)
  
• Somebody was watching the clock on Harry Potter ... or at least the dude who plays him. (Collateral Damage)
  
• America likes celebs like good wine - full-bodied and finely aged. (Forbes)
• LC = Gangsta or Brody Jenner = Pussy? You decide. (Page Six)
  
• Lilo's keeping herself in check (and in style) ... or is she? (Jordan is my Homeboy/P6)
• Lil' Joanie missed out on The Exorcist back when ... too bad they weren't casting now. (P6)
  
• Usher hates the InterWeb. (NY Daily News)
• Just in case you wanted to throw up while masturbating voyeuristically. (Perez Hilton)

UPDATE: Laura Vandervoort is set to play Supergirl on Smallville this fall. Yet another reason I'm a champion of Visionary Thinking. (Epic Carnival)

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