By now, most of you are probably aware that Owen "The Butterscotch Stallion" Wilson attempted to kill himself this week. Today it was revealed that Mr. Wilson felt trapped and desperate due to his addiction to herion and cocaine, something he managed to conceal from the tabloids quite well ... you know, until the whole "attempted suicide" thing.
NAME: Angelina Jolie.
SECRET: Loves fatties. Just fuckin' loves 'em. When you ask him what's up with that, he just gives some bullshit response like, "More cushin' for the pushin', bro!" along with that cocky smile. But that's a bullshit answer. I think it's some kind of deep-seated, shit-happened-to-me-when-I-was-a-kid type shit. Like maybe a bookcase fell on him when he was a kid and he liked how it felt. I don't know, man. I can't judge or anything, but ... yeah.
NAME: Monica Bellucci
SECRET: Loves me just too damn much. Wonder why she ever did The Matrix: Revolutions even though she only had one line? Because I said if she didn't, I'd cut off the sweet, sweet lovin'.
METHOD OF LIFE-ENDERY: Screwing me until her heart explodes. Awwwww, yeah. . .
*By "science," I mean "pot." And by "what-have-you," I mean "a shit-ton more pot."