Hollywood Hates You - Inappropriate Celebrity Suicide Edition
By now, most of you are probably aware that Owen "The Butterscotch Stallion" Wilson attempted to kill himself this week. Today it was revealed that Mr. Wilson felt trapped and desperate due to his addiction to herion and cocaine, something he managed to conceal from the tabloids quite well ... you know, until the whole "attempted suicide" thing.
This made us here at the LLFD wonder-- what secrets are other celebrities hiding? What clandestine shame could an Angelina Jolie or a Tom Hanks be hiding that could lead to a potential wrist/razorblade or forehead/bullet interaction?
To wit, we have used science and what-have-you* to come up with a list of hypothetical celebrity secrets, and the manner with which they would hypothetically choose to dispose of themselves should the pain become too much to bear.
NAME: Angelina Jolie.
SECRET: Hates minorities. Hates children. Fucking HATES minority children.
METHOD OF LIFE-ENDERY: She'll probably commit some ritual suicide in a manner befitting of one of her kids' (many) original cultures. This act will - in her mind - kill two birds with one stone: she dies and irreparably scars the kid ("Oh, if only I wasn't from X culture, mommy never would have known how my people commit suicide, and she would still be alive.")
NAME: Tom Hanks
SECRET: Relentlessly cruel, hollow, shell of a man. Lacks empathy of any kind. Delights in the torment of small animals; only a matter of time before he graduates to people.
METHOD OF LIFE-ENDERY: Anything that takes a lot of innocent people with him.
NAME: Britney Spears
SECRET: Math genius and idiot savant. You know, like Dustin Hoffman in Rain Main.METHOD OF LIFE-ENDERY: Slits her wrists and uses her own blood to write a heretofore unknown method of solving Fermat's Last Theorem.
SECRET: The easy joke here is to say his secret is that he's gay. But the REAL secret? He's not only straight - but he's a fucking poon hound. This guy can't get enough. If he's not banging a different hot slut every four hours, someone's going to fucking die. He likes it rough, and he likes it six times a day.
METHOD OF LIFE-ENDERY: Should tales of his debauchery ever reach the outside world, the name Tom Cruise would go down as being synonymous with Caligula. After he choked to death from erotic asphyxiation, the authorities would find his body suspended from a custom-designed sex swing, still fist-deep in a random female guest.
SECRET: Loves fatties. Just fuckin' loves 'em. When you ask him what's up with that, he just gives some bullshit response like, "More cushin' for the pushin', bro!" along with that cocky smile. But that's a bullshit answer. I think it's some kind of deep-seated, shit-happened-to-me-when-I-was-a-kid type shit. Like maybe a bookcase fell on him when he was a kid and he liked how it felt. I don't know, man. I can't judge or anything, but ... yeah.
METHOD OF LIFE-ENDERY: Suffocated by a big, fat pair of 48 FF's.
NAME: Lindsay Lohan
SECRET: Virgin.METHOD OF LIFE-ENDERY: Fisted to death by Cruise.
NAME: Monica Bellucci
SECRET: Loves me just too damn much. Wonder why she ever did The Matrix: Revolutions even though she only had one line? Because I said if she didn't, I'd cut off the sweet, sweet lovin'.
METHOD OF LIFE-ENDERY: Screwing me until her heart explodes. Awwwww, yeah. . .
*By "science," I mean "pot." And by "what-have-you," I mean "a shit-ton more pot."
