Hollywood Hates You - Fall TV Preview (Mondays)

At last, our long national nightmare is OVER!! Fall TV is coming back! Thank you, Jesus! Thank you, Moses! Thank you, Mohamm - nah, he probably had nothing to do with this.

Each week, I'll be previewing the lineup for every worthwhile day of TV (eat a dick, Saturday). I'll lay out the best network show, the best cable show, the (probable) worst show, the most promising new show, and - of course - that day's most bonable hottie. Today:

Monday!

BEST NETWORK SHOW: Heroes

Can't fight this one. Even if the season finale was shit in a hat (N.B. - It was. Don't argue this point: It was fucking retarded), Heroes still stands head and shoulders above its competition. This season looks promising because it offers more heroes, more villains, more dead main-characters, and, oh yes, more Hayden Panettiere. Sweet.

BEST CABLE SHOW: None

They all look like shit. A Salt & Pepa reunion show? I Love New York 2? I'd rather fucking drink bleach. I used to think MTV was responsible for the destruction of popular culture, but holy shit, VH1 certainly is bringing its A-Game. It's like they're having a contest: first channel to air a show about raping corpses wins $1,000. Fuckers.

WORST SHOW (PROBABLY): This is a tough one, especially given the stiff competition that cable is offering for this day. I'm going to have to go with Dancing With The Stars, though.

Yes, some of the female dancers are hot. But you know what? This show is utterly retarded, because at the end of the day, do I really fucking care if Mark Cuban can dance or not? Does anyone? And if you answered "yes," or "no, but it's fun to watch" to the above question, do me a favor. Go to your sink and grab some household cleaners, ok? Mix up some bleach with a little amonia in the sink, ok? Then inhale deeply. Really deeply. Then, for shits and giggles, shoot yourself in the fucking face.

MOST PROMISING NEW SHOW: Journeyman

Journeyman looks a little Quantum Leap-esque, which I definitely consider a plus. The central conceit is interesting enough (guy goes on trips back in time and changes history), PLUS it's got kick-ass actors Reed Diamond (Homicide: Life On The Street, the single best show to ever air on network TV) and Kevin McKidd (Lucius Vorenus from Rome). I'll take it.

MOST BONABLE HOTTIE: Moon Bloodgood

First of all, this chick deserves consideration because of her name alone. Moon Bloodgood? There are NFL Linebackers with names less stupid than this. But whatever. Moon (or is it Ms. Bloodgood?) is late of Daybreak and one of her first credits is as "Stripper." (CSI, 2003--ed.) She's also a smokin' hot half-Asian, which is a definite plus (Asian girls + freckles = awesome). Works for me.

Next Week: Tuesday, you fucking idiots.

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Where You At?

So I was doin my standard lazy day routine and flippin' thru channels with my roommate, searching for somethin' at least slightly entertaining to watch and tide us over 'til our classes, when I came to something completely unexpected! We were stuck on some VH1 former child-stars countdown when I saw a face I couldn't quite place given the commentary. Lo and behold, it was Candace Cameron-Bure, a/k/a DJ Tanner... and she was FUCKING HOT! (See above.--ed.)


So this leads me to that Full House of 3 Queens and 2 Aces. Of course, the latter have gone on to mega stardom as ... no, waitaminute ... what exactly have they done? I think they were in that one movie ... shit, what's its name? Whatever, they're famous for some reason. And to some it's because they're hot ... except for that one. I think its Mary-Kate ... no, no, Ashley... wait, aren't they twins? (In order: Lots of direct-to-video; New York Minute; Ashley's the hot one; fraternal twins.) In any case there were three other ladies on that show, and I think it's their time to shine!

Candace Cameron-Bure

Besides being the impetus for this article, Bure is most well known for being the eldest Tanner daughter, DJ ... and for being Kirk Cameron's sister. Since her time in the House, she has unfortunately been tied down to some guy who is probably a famous hockey player, but I wouldn't know because I'm American and only care about good sports. As a result, I wouldn't recommend havin' her on your list unless you are experienced in fighting on ice. Also - just possibly a drawback in draftability - might be her turn toward the Evangelical. She's a regular contributer to Christian Women Online and supports homeschooling. Unless you've got a halo around your cock, you probably won't be getting near this one.

P.S. if you do have a halo around your cock, please call a doctor.

Jodie Sweetin

Now, I must ask you not to confuse this young lady with Lindsay Lohan. I know it can be confusing - they've both had their child star years and went on to phases of drug addiction, but only one actually completed their rehab program. Little Stephanie Tanner moved on in life to get married and battle a two-year addiction to crystal meth. Her hubby dropped her meth-head ass and she managed to kick the habit. Now she's ready to go back into acting. Recently she got hitched again, but that doesn't mean you can't be the reason the second marriage doesn't work.

Downgrades: Meth rotted away five of her teeth.
Upgrades: Meth-head head is always less abrasive.

Lori Loughlin

Anyone who thought the third girl on the show I was referring to would be Kimmy Gibbler, you've been hangin around Steph's addict ass too long. The moment Uncle Jesse moved this lady into the house, my balls dropped and I had my first wet dream. And this Plus-37 MILF has stayed in the game, creating and acting in the canceled Summerland. I've really got nuttin' to say about this one other than ... wow. She was a MILF when I met her and almost 20 years later, she has maintained all her MILF-ly glory.

La-la-la-laaaaa Everywhere you look!

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