At last, our long national nightmare is OVER!! Fall TV is coming back! Thank you, Jesus! Thank you, Moses! Thank you, Mohamm - nah, he probably had nothing to do with this.
Each week, I'll be previewing the lineup for every worthwhile day of TV (eat a dick, Saturday). I'll lay out the best network show, the best cable show, the (probable) worst show, the most promising new show, and - of course - that day's most bonable hottie. Today:
BEST NETWORK SHOW: 30 Rock
You thought I was going to say The Office, didn't you? Yes, The Office is a great show. There's no denying it. However, 30 Rock barely edges out The Office in my mind for a number a reasons. First off, the writing is Arrested Development-smart, with jokes that alternate between relevant (obscenity in the media, corporate control over the television creative process) to the geekily absurd (Tina Fey once joking that her eyes are as far apart as Admiral Ackbar's, Tracy Morgan's character having starred in movies like "Phat Bitch," "Who Dat Ninja," and "Honkey Grandma Be Trippin.") The casting is pretty much the best on TV right now: Tina Fey as a harried, modern-day Mary Tyler Moore; Alec Baldwin as the uber-corporate Jack Donaghy (his best role since Glengarry Glen Ross); and Tracy Morgan as, well, Martin Lawrence. (Trust me, only Tracy Morgan can paste that ridiculous smile on his face and enthusiastically say lines like, "Me and my wife like to play rape!" on national TV.) This show is an underrated gem, and the fact that it just won an Emmy probably means that it'll be dead in three years, so enjoy it while you can.
BEST CABLE SHOW: It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia
I've been a fan of this fucked-up bit of genius since it first came on the air. Written by, produced by, and starring 3 formerly unemployed actors/writers, Sunny is a show about a group of utter narcissists who always try to get their way by screwing over everyone they can, including each other. The biggest detriment to their idiotic schemes is that the characters are fucking idiots (there are several hints that one character, Charlie, is functionally illiterate, if not full-on retarded). This show once touted itself as "Seinfeld on crack," which is a pretty bold statement. Fortunately, it's an accurate one.
Some selected episode titles:
- Season 1
- "Charlie Wants an Abortion"
- "The Gang Finds a Dead Guy"
- "Charlie Got Molested"
- Season 2
- "The Gang Goes Jihad"
- "The Gang Exploits a Miracle"
- "Charlie Goes America All Over Everybody's Ass"
- Season 3
- "The Gang Finds a Dumpster Baby"
- "Frank Sets Sweet Dee on Fire"
- "Dee is Dating a Retarded Person"
WORST SHOW: Big Shots
Holy GOD this looks atrocious. It's a show about the relationship problems of 4 guys who are otherwise super-successful in life. The people behind it say they're going to try to "create well-rounded male friendships in the way that Sex and the City did for women [from an Entertainment Weekly article, Sept. 14, 2007]." Now if you're someone with a penis, you can agree that that quote immediately made you want to avoid whatever the Hell it is they're selling, because if they didn't lose you at "well-rounded male friendships," then the sure as shit lost you at "Sex and the City." Like, seriously? Who created this shit and thinks that they're going to appeal to men in any way with this quote? You want to appeal to men with your show? Here's what you say to the press: "Football, beer, fucking, tits, fucking, football, sports, fucking, beer, chicken wings, guns, tits, punching people in the face, beer, beer, beer, fucking, guns, tits, fucking, tits." Another way to appeal to men? Don't make a show about male relationships, you dipshits.
The average male will watch this crap and think: "hey, that guy's life is much better than mine; he has lots of money and nice things. I already hate him. Oh, great, now he's going to bitch about his relationship for an hour. I don't give a fuck about my friend's relationships; shit, I barely give a fuck about my relationship, and now I've got to listen to this dipshit wax philisophical about his shit? Oh, and there's no titties because it's network TV." AWESOME. SIGN ME THE FUCK UP.
The good news is, I'm pretty sure this will be the first show to get shitcanned by any network. So at least it won't be out there, fucking up my airwaves for too long.
MOST PROMISING NEW SHOW: None
Sorry, folks. The only new show on the ultra-competitive Thursday schedule would be Big Shots, and it won't be around for much longer (provided God answers my prayers).
MOST BONABLE HOTTIE: Jaime Pressly
I can't stand her Goddamn voice. Fortunately, I'm unable to hear her voice when I'm
Next Week: FRIIIIIIIIIIIDAY! You ain't got nothin' to do! You ain't got no job!