Thursday, January 24, 2008

Hollywood Hates You - The Ballad of Yoko Romo

It's being reported that Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony "Slippy Fist" Romo broke up with his girlfriend Jessica "Special Needs" Simpson. Despite my disdain for/apathy toward the Cowboys in general (I'm a lifelong Saints fan), I'd like to congratulate Mr. Romo on making one of the best decisions in his young life.

Now some of you out there may think that it's unfair that Romo dumped her stupid ass. It's no secret that Dallas fans and the Dallas-area media kept blaming Simpson for Romo's underperformance in the game she attended as well as in the NFC Divisional Round after he spent the weekend with her (and her unbelievably creepy father) in Cabo. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that blaming her for his failure is just fuckin' stupid. I mean, she clearly had nothing to do with it. It's not like they're in bed together two minutes before kickoff. It's not like she's TELLING him to fuck up. It's not like she's sitting there saying, "Baby, they don't really need you. Stay here and I'll suck your dick while you eat an ice cream sundae off my ass. Then I'll let you punch me in the face for all the stupid shit I say on a daily basis."

But that doesn't mean she doesn't deserve scorn heaped upon her. Jessica Simpson represents everything that is wrong with America: she lacks talent, intelligence, useful skills of any kind, and is essentially fucking her way towards relevance. So, I agree with your ends, Cowboys fans, though not your means. ... But I'll take it anyway.

By the way, side note, did you see the response from John Mayer a few weeks ago? From his blog:

"All witty barbs, blogs, and fashion policing aside, that girl loves Texas more than you know. It's one of her most defining traits as a person. So please don't try and take that away from her. (You probably wouldn't be able to, but it's less work for all involved.)"
What a fucking tool. She's your EX-GIRLFRIEND, dude. She dumped your pansy ass. Show some fucking self-respect. If one of my exes was getting trashed in the media, I'd laugh my ass off. His plea is just a sad little limp-dicked attempt to reason with Cowboys fans. At the top of his little letter he talks about how he doesn't know shit about sports. Any attempt to reason with football fans clearly proves that point. He's like that lame sensitive kid in high school who the sports kids are mean to: "Stop making fun of her! She has a beautiful soul! You'll never understand how special she is, not like I do! [Cries, writes poetry, kills self]" (There's a great spoken word piece by Dan Leamon called "Save the Emo Kids." He's a funny guy.--ed.)

DOUCHE. Anyway, John Mayer's lack of testicular fortitude isn't what I'm ranting about today, so I'll get back to the topic at hand: Jessica Simpson being the worst thing to happen to America since Vietnam. See, her relationship with Tony Romo is nothing more than a blatant, cynical attempt to keep her name in the gossip rags, as her "career" is currently in a fucking free-fall. Let's go to the timeline:

The Late 90's
"Manufactured" pop acts, like boy bands and Britney Spears, are all the rage. Christina Aguilera's success proves that there's room for a few more "pop princesses" [I just had to take a swig of Jameson to get that out].

Late 1999
Simpson releases her first single; some piece of shit. Her album is released shortly thereafter, and sells more than two million copies -- far fewer than Spears or Aguilera, but a respcetable showing.

Mid 2001
Her second album is released. It doesn't do half the buisness of the first. She's in trouble.

Marries fellow falling star Nick Lachey, as rivals Christina Aguilera and Britney Spears continue to see success through their singing careers. Even rival Mandy Moore successfully transitions into acting, including a positively received turn in "A Walk To Remember."

Becomes a truly household name with her reality show, Newlyweds - Nick & Jessica. The show is a filter-free glimpse into her brain, and proves her to be functionally retarded. She is truly an A-lister for the first time. Paris Hilton got famous for getting fucked on camera, Kim Kardashian got famous for getting pissed on, and Jessica Simpson got famous for being a fucking imbecile. You can decide for yourself which is more reprehensible.

Simspon's star continues to rise as she is cast as Daisy Duke in The Dukes of Hazzard, one of the great cinematic abortions of '05. She's essentially playing herself, and STILL gets shit-tacular reviews from critics. The movie earns more than $100 million world-wide. She sees success for her terrible re-make of Nancy Sinatra's "These Boots Were Made for Walkin'," but mostly because she practically strips naked and fucks a car in the video.

Late '05
Nick Lachey, finally realizing he just can't take this shit anymore, seperates from Simpson, indefinitely fucking over her reality show. I can imagine his first night away from her was something like a soldier coming out of a P.O.W. camp: he's scared, malnourished, and unsteady on his feet, but he is alive, damn it -- HE. IS. ALIVE.

Simpson's second movie, Employee of the Month (Widescreen Edition), co-starring noted douche Dane Cook, tanks at the box office. Her new album does far less business than any of her previous three. She fucks up a song at a Kennedy Center tribute to Dolly Parton. Her reality TV career is over and her singing and acting careers are flailing like an epileptic in the deep end of the community pool.

Early to mid '07
Fucks a string of mid-level celebrities. Her star is clearly fading.

So, this is where the story ends, right? She fades into obscurity, and we all forget she ever existed, right? But no! This is where Papa Joe orchestrates his greatest triumph yet (I'm assuming it's her father, since she's clearly too fucking stupid to come up with this plan on her own). All he did was pull some pages from earlier in his playbook: "Have daughter marry another star, synergize their celebrity, and coast for a few years, until acting lessons start to take." The reason it didn't work the first time was because Nick Lachey wasn't famous enough. So, expand beyond the perimiter of show-business and ask yourself: Who is both incredibly famous and also young and naive? Who's star will (likely) only continue to rise? Who is all-American, good-looking, and currently without a hot model girlfriend and a baby momma, like Tom Brady? Why that would be the new quarterback of one of America's most popular teams, Tony Romo of the Dallas Cowboys. We're through the looking glass here, people.

THAT, Dallas fans, is why she deserves your scorn! She tried to exploit your boy ROMO, and use him to keep her career alive! And if they had gotten married? Shit, Romo would be in Papa Joe's evil grasp for at LEAST the next few years. So be on guard, Cowboys fans: The next time some miserable little cock-holster tries to leech off Romo's celebrity, one of you should consider going all Texas Book Depository/University of Texas Bell Tower on her ass (Weird, how two of the most devastating sniper attacks in U.S. history have both occurred in Texas).

Shit, it's what I'm considering if Kim Kardashian ever gets engaged to Reggie Bush.

ShowHype: hype it up!

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The Loveseat said...


how long till our next one??

Lord Farceface said...

And as it turns out, they're NOT broken up . . . fucking OK Magazine

The Brooklyn Boy said...

Yeah, OK is a trashy rag. Jerks.

My bad on the delay putting this up ... I'ma get this going again one of these days.

Sheezi said...

Did we forget about the sniper attacks in DC? Bad stuff happens outside of Texas too!